All the funny things.

I regret not writing down more of the funny things the boys have said over the years. In the notes app, typing it quickly before I forget, because they are so hilarious to come back to (and so easy to forget, even an hour later). We remember them, always, with an air of disbelief. Did he really say it that way? Man, that’s funny.

Listening to Jonsi in the car the other day. Anders from the backseat, “I want to learn Icelandic instead of Spanish.” Or how about the time he said, “Parker wants muscles to flex and show off in front of a crowd. I want them to lift heavy things.”

The delight of your kids growing older, making you genuinely laugh, understanding the humor around them, and growing in independence and autonomy does soften the blow of the diminishing baby cheeks, and rubber band wrists. They ride bikes around the neighborhood now––by themselves! Isn’t that thrilling? And me, their Mom, standing wistfully at the window watching them ride away up the street, watching their sweet little legs pumping up the hill, those same legs that grew inside my body, thinking to herself, “Please Jesus. Please keep them safe. Please protect them. Please bring them home to me.”

We are well into our homeschool year, and I was genuinely shocked to learn this year was the start of our third full year. I had to count on my fingers, twice, to ensure that I was accurate. Thrust into it, like the rest of the country, spring of 2020, but this September began our third year and I gave myself a moment’s recognition for that. If Steve wants to give me a physical recognition of that, I’ll accept.

Homeschooling is a keen reminder of how much I don’t know. The questions Anders asks are legendary. “Is the North Pole an actual place? Is it always morning there?”

We’re just over 4 weeks from leaving on our trip and my thoughts are often consumed by it. Will the boys walk away from this with the memories I hope they do or will close quarters and the smell of the RV toilet every time someone flushes take precedence? Will I drop dead on the spot if they near the edges of the Grand Canyon? Is Angel’s Landing a huge mistake? Will I pack enough jackets? Will headphones and a meditation playlist really take the place of my much-needed daily alone time? Did I overplan? Did I underplan? Will we go broke doing all the things and eating all the things that we want to do and eat?

In time, in time. Mostly, I am so incredibly excited. But sometimes, I’m a little scared too.