FIVE.

Here I now sit, with a five year old, and I am happy. He is happy. We are all happy. Whatever happy means. Is it just a social construct? Does it matter? Should I be shooting for joy or contentment instead? I’m both of those too. But man, how much this little person would positively fill all the little cracks in our lives and bring us such joy, such laughter. We could never have known. How can you?

Anders, where do I begin? First, you’re hysterical. When I put the City Music song on, and you do your little, “ooh!” at just the right time in the back of the car and I don’t even realize you were paying attention and I begin to laugh so hard, and you are so completely delighted in that. Making your family laugh is about your favorite thing. You’re so in tune with music too. Just this morning Adele’s Sweet Devotion playing in the car… “I love this song.” Driving around you say, “play the song with just instruments!” That’s Yanni’s Santorini. When Penny & Sparrow’s Don’t Wanna Be Without Ya comes on, “turn it up!!” Sometimes I can’t figure out the song you’re trying to get me to play, and that’s very frustrating for us both, but luckily we can find another song you love pretty quickly. (We listen to a lot of music.)

You’re really empathetic, and this is one of the things I love most about you. When Parker is falling apart, you come over and wrap your arms around him. It’s sweet and tender, the love you so readily give. You are constantly (and I mean, every time we enter a room that you’re already in) popping out from behind a door or from under the table, “Boo!”

You are cuddly, and kind, and your voice is simply the best. It goes up and down with every word–it’s hard to even describe–but it has perfect strangers commenting on how cute it is. I’ll miss it one day. This is a place I’m often in, missing things that are currently in my grasp, or missing littler you, even while holding not-as-little you in my lap. I’ve loved being your Mom, Anders. I mean, best job ever. If there’s anything you take away from reading this one day, let it be this: you are cherished, and being your Mom has been one of the biggest blessings of my whole life.

I love you, Anders-badger. Happy birthday, buddy.