This wasn’t my plan this morning, this post, but when the spirit moves, sometimes you go where it leads. I’m also on my period, so there’s that. But, truth is, blogging used to be something a little less planned. I sat, put my fingers to the keys, and just went with it. So, this is a little bit of a throwback, in more ways than one. When you’ve been blogging for like 10 years, a throwback is a good check-in from time to time.That’s a picture of me pregnant with Anders, in a spot in town where we still sometimes take pictures. But now that little baby-in-belly is big and fast and speaks in full sentences. In fact, he trotted down the stairs this morning, keeping his still-tiny hand on the railing the whole way, and the sun shone on his hat–the same hat Parker used to wear–just so, and then he paused at the bottom of the steps, and turned towards me, kissed his hand, and then blew it to me. He turned back towards Dad’s car, but not before he paused, really looking at me, the look filled with so much mutual love it could overflow a room… nay, the ocean. That’s when I waved goodbye, came inside, and had a good cry. Sometimes it’s necessary.
Who remembers this room? This was our old computer room, or den, just off our kitchen. We made it such a cozy spot, and I painted the walls dark brown and bought a totally useless but really cool green velvet couch that Steve could never really understand, but that was very attractive. We spent so much time here. This was the house I moved into when we got married, the one Steve and the kids already lived after Shannon passed away and they moved closer to his work. It was the first house that I’d learn to be a mom and wife in, and learn to make a home. This is where Parker would first crawl, and pull books off the shelves to flip through and it’s also the only time where I had good success with a fiddle leaf fig tree (she was real! I miss her.). William and Lindsey would plop down and get comfy after school here, Jordan would listen to his music really loud in this room with the doors shut really feeling it, stretching out on the floor, and Nathaniel would sit and play computer games at that chair, and we sometimes had movie nights in here too. We would pile all the cushions from the other couch on the floor, bring blankets in, and be giddy with the togetherness.
Also the house where Gracie lived. Parker still talks about her often. We named a tree we planted in this house after her. We miss her. Having a dog in the house is such a comfort. She died a few months after Anders was born from lyme nephritis. 
Fast forwarding–in a new (but smaller) house in a different town we’d been talking about moving to for years. Anders was born in the snowiest winter of all time and, well, if I worried my heart couldn’t fit another, that was quickly dashed with such huge love for this boy. So huge, that I’m now fairly certain I was caught up in a bit of a postpartum depression over him being my last baby. While I have had some well-meaning readers say, “have another!” here’s the thing: it’s not another I want so much as some time back on the ones I have. Though the two feelings can get real mixed up. Our lives are full to the brim and there’s some days, a lot of days, where we barely have time to think. They all grow up, and two or ten babies, I’d forever feel this way. But to be the girl in that above photo, holding that tiny baby who fits in the length of my forearms? Now that’s what I really want, and so much, even if for a moment.
And this one? She heads off to college next year if you can believe it. I can’t, and I can, all at once. She drives, she has a job. But weren’t we just doing sugar cookies together like last year?
William is 19, and in his sophomore year. We still see him multiple times a month–he’ll come home with his girlfriend Kara for dinner for the night, or come home to help rake (he sort of loves yardwork, always has). He’s huge, they all are, and it’s weird. Life is just so totally weird.
Nathaniel is 26 now (!!). That’s the age when I was pregnant with Parker, and it’s just crazy to me. He’s funny and kind and thoughtful and invites us to his apartment for dinner where he cooks up a storm (and it’s delicious). Jordan is almost 25, and was just here this weekend. He’s got a dry sense of humor and is so quick-witted. He’ll keep you on your toes–and keep you laughing really hard. (Everyone comments on how funny he is, and it’s true.) They’re both really successful in their jobs, and we’re grateful they’ve settled down close to home so we can still see them often.
And that’s all for now. This post could be about ten pages long and full of pictures, but it would still never satisfy me so I’ll have to stop somewhere. What a beautiful life this is, what a beautiful life we can make it.
Also, do or don’t blog while on an especially emotional period day? Thoughts?
Definitely blog on an emotional period day! I think that’s when our truest and rawest feelings come out. 🙂
Charmaine Ng | Architecture & Lifestyle Blog
http://charmainenyw.com
Do! Love this, Bridget. I’ve been following you since you were taking those monthly photos of Parker in his rocking chair in his first year (now I have my own babies — 4 yrs & a 6 month old). This is such a beautiful trip down memory lane and also a wonderful reminder to be thankful for this one (amazing, wonderful!) life we get. I vote for more posts like this. Love being here for it! You are an amazing woman. Xoxoxo
oh those pictures… gosh, feels like a lifetime ago and yesterday. and now that boy is off in second grade.
Do! This was beautiful and almost made me cry! I have been following you forever (I think Parker was not yet 1) and it’s so lovely to hear about your family. Thank you always for sharing the vulnerable pieces.
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
One for each of you.
Love this post capturing it all—the weird and the beautiful.
Blog all of the time – all of your feelings because it is where we are all at … or have been and still have the feelings because being a mother is completely life altering. It’s everything and letting go and holding on – sometimes at once is normal and good and hard and you are so good at sharing. So – write when you can and just do it. I love your heart – always have.
oh beth. making me cry one comment at a time. thank you.
Oh, I almost forgot; I do so remember that room—multiple visits spending time there!
YES! we filled that room with egges and hunts alike!
Do! Those will be the posts you are probably most thankful to have down the road. The real, raw emotion of it all.. it is beautiful.
Definitely blog! I miss the old days when more bloggers wrote emotional, stream of mind type posts.
Yep more of this – you had me crying on IG this morning. Because as you were talking I was nursing my sweet boy and I can just picture that being me in 5 years!!
Please DO! This sort of writing is why I began following blogs so many years ago. I really miss it – the slick photos and stylized and sponsored posts have their place, but the human stuff (the truly beautiful stuff) is what I most relate to and love to read. I read this post with bated breath and a smile in my heart, it is so lovely of you to share.
Yes – absolutely do blog on an emotional day. My feeling is that f you’re feeling more emotional (regardless of the reason) it just means that your emotions have made their way closer to the surface and are more accessible, but they’re always there. Sitting with them and honoring them only makes you more connected to yourself.
Do, because I cried! And as much as I LOVE what you sell, it feels amazing to just read and read some more. You are an amazing writer and I bet you could make a living just writing about your life. But don’t stop sharing good finds, you are talented in multiple ways. But you yank on my heart strings in a melancholy, real way and on an emotional level whipped-up in a strong intellect with a twinkle in your eye. I can’t have more kids…so I know the feeling all too well. I just got to have my “miracle” baby but it never goes away as you said. We just have to embrace it and love them as they grow like weeds. So, keep writing on your period and throw us back in time. You are an inspiration!
thank you christina. so much love to you.
Thank you!! Xo
Do, yes, more, do, 100% … best poll I’ve seen lately…
much love xxx
Today i told my 80 6th grade students i am going to be a parent. at the age of 45, i finally get to see my dreams come true. my whole life all i have cared about is being a mom. i mean i chose being a teacher cause i love kids so freakin much. i spent so much of my life focusing on my job, my passion. i spent some years wasted on men. i spent a lot of 35-40 hoping for someone to come as i felt my fertility leaving, my heart aching, my dreams shattering. i spent my 41st year trying to get pregnant through sperm donation. then i spent 42-44 healing from the pain of realizing parenting, or life, didn’t turn out the way i hoped. the burden of realizing i have one life, one chance and it was leaving became so heavy. after i healed and came out of the fog, i realized i was strong enough to achieve parenthood..alone. next week i will be approved to be a foster parent. my heart and mind can’t fully digest this new role. although in many ways i have been a mom to 1,000’s of 1st to 8th graders at school. i’ve helped with tying shoes, listened to broken pre-teen hearts, and heard an accidental “mom” for 21 years. i can’t wait for a messy house. a loud house. to see my rescued golden watch over kids. i can’t wait to have a reason to decorate for the holidays. help with homework. get down to eye level and assure a child through my hugs. read bedtime stories and visit their school. and, truthfully, one day maybe send them back to their families where everyone gets to work on a different kind of healing. the pain of not being a parent would have been so much greater a pain to endure than learning to let go of a child i helped heal. so although i will never feel a kick in my belly, hold a baby to my breast or wonder if they will have my curly hair, i get to be a parent. oh, my heart!
aimee!!!! writing this through my tears. you are going to be the most incredible mother to that child. what a gift you will give to each other. i am so happy for you.
I just want to say that your students are so lucky to have had a teacher who clearly cared/cares so much about them, and any children you have in the future are incredibly lucky as well.
SO happy for you, Aimee! You will be an amazing mother, and I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Lots of love to you!!
Wow, my eyes welled up with tears reading this post. When you said “it’s not another I want so much as some time back on the ones I have.” That hit home to me so hard. I just wish I could turn back time and hold my babies again. It just seems like yesterday and yet they are 8 and 10 now. Beautiful post, Bridget. Loved hearing about the big kids, too.
Wow- your words here right so true to me. My friends are getting pregnant with #3 and I question do we want one more…..but your words make me realize, no we are complete as a family of 4: While I have had some well-meaning readers say, “have another!” here’s the thing: it’s not another I want so much as some time back on the ones I have. Though the two feelings can get real mixed up. Our lives are full to the brim and there’s some days, a lot of days, where we barely have time to think. They all grow up, and two or ten babies, I’d forever feel this way. But to be the girl in that above photo, holding that tiny baby who fits in the length of my forearms? Now that’s what I really want, and so much, even if for a moment.
I totally get it. You’re not alone, Amy. It’s forever hard to close that chapter, no matter how many you have.
That’s the truth though isn’t it, always wishing for more time with our kids while they were little? I never wished away babyhood, never longed for time apart from my children, I would do nothing differently in the very limited time we’ve spent apart from each other, and yet I blinked and my kids are 7 and 11 and I still wish I had more time with them, I still long to turn back the hands of time and return to when they were younger and on the other hand love the incredible moments of watching them grow and change every day.
I think I’ve come to realize that’s the dichotomy of emotions watching our kids grow up, the push and pull, the desire to go back and the joy of the present, the loss of one stage and the anticipation of others. I find raising children, watching them grow and my emotions about that to be like the ebb and flow of so many other things in life.
another yes for the heart posts ❤️
it’s taken until this fall for me to come the just-wanting-my-babies-to-be-babies-again realization, and it breaks my heart. not that we are likely done having babies, but we are done with our babies. it’s too much!
gratitude has turned out to be my word of the year, and I’m focused on drinking up with who they are now, who we get to be together now. we are so abundantly heaped upon with blessings.
I’ve been reading since I was in college and you were pregnant with Parker. I remember reading through your birth stories (and life since) and have always enjoyed the simple snapshots of life you share.
Now I’m pregnant with my first baby and I just went through to read your birth stories again. It feels a little surreal to be in this place and thinking about who I was when I read the posts the first time. Makes me nostalgic too 🙂 keep blogging! I love the substance it brings over instagram. Also, if you want to post any pregnancy tips again, I’ll eat them up!
oh congrats rose!!! i am so happy for you!!
I love these posts where you go back! I’ve been reading since Parker was born. So crazy to see him so big, and to see William and (almost) Lindsay in college!
Totally understand and admire the way you respect the older kids’ privacy now that they’re on social media themselves, but it’s always so nice to get updates every now and then on how they’re doing. 🙂
Yes! These are the types of blogs I love to read. I’m a long-time follower, and must admit I miss the less “scripted” types of blogs.
I think so many of us (myself included!) feel the same way.
Do, yes, 100%!
Mariya | https://www.brunetteondemand.com/
I am behind on my blog reading, but i wanted to say how much i loved this post and appreciate the from the heart updates like OG blogging of old. I remember the photos shared from your old home and sweet gracie girl. Life is rich with a furry friend. Just wanted to say thanks for so many years of blogging and that i still love reading along!