Here I am, 34 years old, and in some ways just hitting my stride. You hear women declare that 40s were their best decade, 30s, so on–I can’t say I often hear 20s–but I do feel like I’m hitting my stride in a way I haven’t before. And that’s not to say that my personal life is perfect. Far from it. But more my reaction to things, life, the inevitable stress. I talked a little bit about this on my wellness account recently, but I think I used to be held hostage by my reaction to, well, all of it. Like whether or not I would have a great day was hinging on all the stuff outside of my control. I love the relatively recent push for mindfulness, awareness, meditation that seems to be ever present in podcasts and books and conversations these days. Certainly this stuff has been around for centuries, but it’s become more, dare I say, trendy to be aware of it now.
I am, most likely, out of the baby stage now. Writing that now is not nearly as loaded with heaviness as it once was. I had both boys by the time I was 30 and have been parenting from 22 years of age. What was a relatively short period of time in the grand scheme, especially that real in-the-thick-of-it baby stage of life, felt like a lifetime. An incredible one though. One that I was not even a little bit ready to move out of such that I felt a sadness settle deep in me when Anders was still so tiny just because everything was the last. If you’ve been here for more than two seconds, you already know this about me. How I want an eternal-baby strapped to my chest, a forever baby nursing and babbling and spastic kicking in the early mornings in bed. As I write that out, it sounds exhausting but romanticizing is real, people.
Today, I have a 4-year old, a 7-year old, a 17-year old, an 19-year old, a 24-year old, and a 26-year old. No tiny babies (one still in diapers; please don’t ask about how potty-training is going) but more of a sense of peace about this than I’ve had in 4 years. Today I’m finding myself excited about where I am and the future adventures that life holds. We never really let babies keep us from adventuring in the past, but being out of that phase does open doors to some things that just aren’t feasible with babies. We’re going camping next month. I’m thinking about the next mountain we’ll climb in New Hampshire this spring. I’m going on dates with my husband and feel like I’m really present for them, not distracted by what’s going on at home. I go to the gym now and run on the treadmill without the stress of leaving a nursing baby behind, and with the very real motivation that I am doing this so I can scramble up rocks with my kids for years to come. I put my head down and get work done knowing that as my paycheck grows, so does our opportunity to check these very real dreams off the list. I’m checking out books about the national parks and dreaming (actual dreams; I rarely have ones that I remember and last month I had a very vivid dream about being in Yosemite and it was awesome) of all the places I want my kids to see. I want to foster in them a sense of love and care and discovery for this incredible planet we live on and that starts with me. Do I still miss a baby on my hip? Always and forever. But if you find yourself, much like me for the last few years, scared to leave that territory and completely unsure of who you are in the next one, let me assure you that with time and patience, you’ll hit your stride again. I promise.
{Favorite kids book lately; it’s fun to flip through with the kids and talk about all the places we’ll go}
Wow. Just wow im so glad for you and this acceptance your talking about. Im in a similar place only on the other end … Not finding the lack of peace at all eady and just sad a lot of the time. But enough of me …
Really happy to read this fantastic update hope you have all the fun with the planning and adventuring ahead! Lots of love Marcia
Yes to all of this! I will always miss the baby phase. But, grabbing water bottles and getting in the car to go for a hike or spontaneous trip has been pretty marvelous. I was really blessed as a kid to get to visit and camp in many of the national parks. I hope to check them off the list with my own children also.
This was a lovely read. It’s nice to know that at some age, we truly do find ourselves! I’m still waiting for that moment 🙂
Charmaine Ng | Architecture & Lifestyle Blog
http://charmainenyw.com
I have a gut feeling you aren’t finished quite yet…I think you will have a baby girl in the next two years!
I think you’re crazy! But hey, I’ve been wrong before!
Needed this! I’m sitting here nursing our third (and likely, probably, last) and the grief is hard. If only older folks would start reminding me of the joy to come instead of what will soon be past!
Great that you’re feeling settled…dare I say, content. You could be a grandmother in the next five years! It will be lovely b/c you can love that little all day and then send him home with his parents. You’ll have many opportunities for a baby on your hip and you’ll be the hippest granny in Mass.
Sitting here crying while nursing my “last baby”
I’m so glad you’re looking forward to the future, all of those adventures sound amazing. I can relate so well to both sides as I’m sitting smack in the middle, not sure if there will be another baby yet or not, but excited about all the new things still to come. Glad to hear the grip on the baby phase will lighten with time.
This post really touched me, Bridget! Thank you for sharing. My youngest turned 6 this week, and I’m a little in shock. It really hit me that I can no longer think of myself as a mom of littles. That identity shift (should I even call it that? It’s been happening for a good long while now, I think I’m just finally opening my eyes to it :S) has so many fun things attached to it – some really lifegiving projects at work, fun family adventures, kids who can buckle themselves into the car and get themselves a glass of water. Hallelujah! But I think I’m grieving the loss of what has come before. I guess that’s an inevitable part of motherhood. No matter what age they are my heart will always be remembering them as they were and longing just a little for the things we shared that have now passed.
I love this. And I can’t WAIT for you to come see Yosemite…I hope I get to be there for it!
Dear Bridget, We haven’t met yet, but I hope to meet you sometime. I’m Steve’s Aunt Barbara. I’ve been reading your posts for quite some time and enjoying them immensely! Of course, I LOVE the pictures – all of them. You have such a wonderful ability to give words to your thoughts, emotions, and feelings. The things that, I suppose, all women feel at one time or another. You make me smile, laugh and sometimes you being tears to my eyes. But, that’s not what is on my mind right now. Anders is still in diapers and you are going camping soon. Oh, can I relate to that!
When Rob (my youngest who will celebrate his 58th birthday soon) was going on 4 and still in diapers and we were going tent camping in a few weeks. One morning, while I changing an “icky” diaper, I mentioned that we would be going camping soon and I reminded him of how much fun he had had the previous summer camping. Then I told him wouldn’t it be wonderful if he was wearing “big boy” underwear this time. How much more fun it would be for him if he could use the big boys’ bathroom on our trip. It worked. Within about 10 days he wasn’t even having “accidents” anymore. I was so proud of him! I wonder if it would work with Anders.It just makes traveling so much easier when diapers are no longer needed! Have a wonderful time on your trip. I look forward to your post about it!
Aunt Barbara
Hello there Aunt Barbara! And thank you so much for this tip! I’ll try employing it with Anders though he seems very committed to diapers for life. (Even when I’ve explained how his big brothers no longer wear them!)
Thanks for the sweet words too. I’m glad you’re here!
Wow, this feels huge – in a very, very good way. I’m genuinely happy for you and ever so thankful for your encouraging words. Hope you have a lovely weekend.