34.

Last week was my birthday. 34. And I wanted to write a post but it’s been one of the busier weeks that I’ve had in a long time, so here I am, a week later, trying to figure out what it is I wanted to say in the first place before I dive into roasted green beans and the best sweet potatoes ever. What was it? What’s important to record here anyway? Anything, everything, that’s how this blog has always been. When I’m driving around town, here and there, listening to music (at the moment, the new Mumford and Sons), the ideas are always right at my fingertips. Then I sit here and they all escape me.

A new (birth) year is a time to reflect though, and note what’s really important, and the shedding away of what’s just not. I’ve been giving that some thought. So here goes.

Life is pain. (This is quite the start. Stay with me, though.) Life is also beauty. I’m finding that, both of them, are truer and more poignant every year. I just tried taking an enneagram test–it was a very basic one and I’m not sure how accurate so please send a good one along–and there was a part with two answers to choose from: ‘I’m okay with feeling painful and difficult emotions’ or ‘I move on quickly from painful emotions and prefer to stay upbeat and positive.’ I supposed I’d prefer to stay upbeat and positive, but the first answer is definitely mine. It used to frustrate me that I was this way. Like it was a weakness. I’d see people who weren’t wearing the weight of the world on their shoulders and wonder why I couldn’t have a bit more of that. Or I’d have a moment of total and utter joy and have it interrupted by, “Oh God, this is perfect, but when is the rug going to be pulled out from under me?” Maybe it is something of a weakness. But I am slowly coming to know that it is also my strength. It’s in those painful moments that I grow and that I give. That I am better at apologizing to my children, or being their soft place to land. That I feel true, deep-in-my-soul gratefulness for the life I’ve been given and have made. That I can recognize another’s need for help. That in those times of devastation is where we really bear one another’s burdens in ways that make humankind seems so much kinder, less cutting. That we see one another doing God’s work with our own two hands, not with our mouths. It is so easy these days to believe that things are really, really bad. And, in some ways, we wouldn’t be wrong. But goodness I do see some amazing things growing out of the wreck. Truly tangible beauty rising from the ashes. It’s life-giving when you see that. As I write all of this, and read it back, I also recognize my privilege. That I’m in a position of giving more than I am receiving. That I have, in some capacity, always had a voice and that alone is privilege. I was in NYC recently with my sister Kate and there we were at the Madewell racks, shuffling through a rack of sweaters when I blurted out, “Ugh. It’s just so much easier to get dressed in the summertime.” I paused. Replayed it in my head. And then I said, “Oh my God, what an asshole.” Mocking myself, my privilege, like my inability to throw on a pair of denim shorts and flip flops cause of the weather is a real problem. I wanted to punch myself in the face. So I guess in my desire to grow, I want to be more forthright about what I don’t know or understand about another’s pain, burden. About the fact that my most painful days ever have still included three meals and a hot shower. I want to do better, to understand better, to give better. I don’t want to just do it so long as it feels comfortable to me or doesn’t infringe too much on my life. I want to do it until I’m tired, and then do it some more. I feel really convicted these days that there is nothing more important on the planet than bearing one another’s burdens. All of us, no matter the race, the country, the politics, the gender, the religion.

Where to even begin is a big question. I guess, we just begin somewhere.

{If you’re looking for ideas–do it for me! for my birthday!–here are some. If you already have your own ideas, carry on!}

Go to Tom’s to send a postcard to your representative urging them to institute universal background checks for gun purchases. This took under 30 seconds. Then shop Tom’s this season. Vote with your dollar. (Do this one no matter what, please!)

Go to Kiva.org to give a micro-loan to someone around the globe trying to start their business and make a living. (I just checked my account and with about $200 total, I’ve made 30 loans in 19 different countries over the last few years; the Kiva model is truly incredible.)

Find a local food bank in your area and see if they’re accepting Thanksgiving food donations. Could be as simple as a couple cans of something, or a turkey. Bring your kids! I think it’s so good to include them in this.

Help provide aid for the refugee caravan. They are seeking asylum at a US port of entry.

I could go on. Animals! National Parks! Yemen (the stories coming out of there are unbearable)! If you have a favorite, leave it in the comments. Let’s keep talking about these things.

And happy Thanksgiving. I’m grateful for all of you.

{picture from the incredible Jenny during a Nani Pani shoot this past summer}