02. Don’t take it personally. This is really advice for you, your mother, your brother, your sister, your aunt, your aunt’s best friend’s cousin, the barista downtown, and your mailman. It’s not always perfectly applicable (sometimes, you are just being an asshole, and you should absolutely take it personally and change your behavior), but a lot of the time it is. Now before I go preaching on the merits of not taking it personally, let me state that this is something I continually struggle with and, more often than not, fail at entirely. Where it is applicable, 99% of the time, is with teenagers.
I have had very different experiences as a step parent. With Nathaniel and Jordan, who were 12 and 10 when their mother died, it’s looked one way. With William and Lindsey who were 4 and 2, it’s looked another way. And just when I think I know what to expect, everything changes on me. I think that’s just the nature of teenagers who are trying to figure life out, themselves out, one foot in childhood, the other in adulthood, and all of this with loads of chemicals coursing through their veins. Sometimes, depending on your situation, you’ll feel like it’s smooth sailing and you’re on good terms and everything’s great and you’re Mom. And then suddenly you’ll feel distant, and hurt, and like you’re suddenly not Mom, but step mom. And you’ll wonder, “Am I feeling like the step mom unnecessarily?” As in, they’d be going through the same stuff whether it was their biological mom or you. “Or are we in this place specifically because I am the step mom?” (I’m in my own head a lot.) It’s especially tricky to go through it when you’re sort of the only Mom they’ve ever known (but technically still hold the title of step mom–if we’re talking literally).
I’ve had to remind myself a lot recently that it is not personal. It doesn’t necessarily take the sting away, but it helps a little. And, when it is personal, and you do deserve it (which has been the case for me, more times than I care to admit), an apology goes a long way. Even if they don’t tell you so. Your child is on their own journey–so are you!–and perhaps more so in a step parenting scenario whether they lost a parent or have witnessed a divorce. They might need to pull away, to figure things out, to figure out your role in their life, to make you feel less than. They may be hurt by you too. Still, the adage remains, most of the time, don’t take it personally. Another old adage: be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.
One of my friends gave her stepdad a really hard time when we were younger. It must’ve been so hard on him… I guess it’s hard for both parties.
Charmaine Ng | Architecture & Lifestyle Blog
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I am LOVING this series. I was brought up by a Step Parent and I always referred to him as Dad (my own father was off the scene for far too many complicated reasons) and I would say that he didnt find it too difficult to bring us up (I certainly never used the phrase, you aren’t my real dad.). However I think my mum found it harder with his sons as they still lived with their mum and only stayed with us on holidays and once a month. Step Parenting is such a hard path to go as there are so many Grey areas. You seem to be doing a great job and I am sure once all the kids have went through the trials and tribulations of being a teenager, they will realise to an even greater extent how well you all did. I think with your situation you have such a unique situation as well with some of the kids calling you Mum and some of them not. Just keep doing what you are doing, keep writing this series and if all else fails drink wine and coffee 🙂
this is good advice- applicable, again, to pretty much every situation! i’d say you are doing a pretty damn good job, bridget!
xo, brittany
toddler approved superfood brownies on my blog today!
http://www.brittanyisablob.blogspot.com
I adore you. Plain and simple. I actually started reading your blog when I first became a step-mom because I felt like you were so graceful and emulated what I believed: that we’re all here to love and support these little people in our live (although years later, they aren’t so little now!!). Thank you for sharing your thoughts on what can be a tough topic. So nice to read!
hi sam! thank you so much for this sweet comment. i feel like i have to say, though, that i’m not nearly as careful and thoughtful in real life / heat of the moment as i might appear to be in these posts! every day is a new day, right?! hope you’re doing well in your own stepparent journey!
I listened to a series for stepfamilies on the radio awhile back and I think you would be encouraged by it. It made me better understand some of the unique challenges that stepfamilies face. http://familylifetoday.com/series/stepfamily-blender-or-crockpot/
You seem to be doing a great job balancing the needs of a blended family but I’m sure it’s not easy!
thanks for that link! i think i’d enjoy it.
For what it’s worth, I am a stepdaughter and I was pretty rough on my stepdad during my teenage years/early 20s. My parents got divorced when I was 2 and my mom met my stepdad when I was 3 (my dad was around but not the greatest). I almost feel physically ill when I think of what a douche I was to him back in those days, “You’re not my father!!!” etc. Now we are so close, he even walked me down the aisle when I got married. It definitely gets easier and better – hang in there, your kids seem like great thoughtful people, as do you!
This comment really is so comforting to read. Thanks for sharing that, Lauren. And so glad you guys are on the other end of it all.
Again, I feel like if I ever found myself in Boston and ran into you randomly, I think we’d be able to talk for HOURS about this.
Something my husband sent me a few weeks ago really grounds me, maybe it’ll help someone else out as well (slightly paraphrased):
“Individual + individual = unique pairing. Period. The sooner you own what you have for what it is, inherently and uncorrupted by what-ifs and who-else’s – who can, by the way, include parents and sibs and best buddies…all represent one’s deep history – the better able you can work with them as a fellow traveler.”
Love and light to you and yours.
Bridget – Thank you! This series speaks volumes to me. Not only am I a step mother to a 13 year old boy, who lost his Mom to cancer when he was 2.5 years old…. but I’m also the product of 4 (yes, FOUR!) step-parents. My Mom and Dad were both married 2 more times each after divorcing each other. Being the product of so many step-parents, I thought I would ROCK the step-parenting thing… and sadly, more often than not, I don’t think I’m rocking it at all.
This post and the comments just brought tears (of encouragement and empathy) to my eyes. While I am still fairly new at step-parenting and not yet officially a step-parent (not married), though in a serious relationship with my partner and father of four with whom I share a household, I sometimes feel like I am doing awesome and being careful and mindful of everyone’s needs, other times I feel like I will never get this right. Maybe because I lost my father at a young age I feel extremely sensitive to not stepping into the role which belongs to the birth parent. I encourage the bond with the mom-mom and just sent off mothers day cards the kids made the last time they were with us. This does seem like a some-what lonely journey at times.
I came into a relationship with a teenage step daughter. Mind you our scenario is slightly different, but still similar. I learned to choose my battles wisely. I also learned how to be more patience and tolerable with both myself and my step daughter. I often questioned myself in the beginning, and then realized I was only damaging myself. We are not perfect, nor are we the replacement of a biological parent. But, we are still human and have to work together to figure out this new life. Boys can be a little harder, as their feelings get held in more. And the fear of loving someone else when they just lost the first love of their life must be hard. Plus for these children to go through a lost to a horrible disease had to effect all of them. It’s a tough road, and you will always be on it. However, the wash board bumps smooth out over time. You just have to stop taking the wheel and sit in the passenger sit with the window down every once in a while. My favorite quote is “a moment of silence in a moment of anger saves a million moments of regret” and ” four things you can’t recover from, the stone after you throw it, the word after you say it, the occasion after its missed and the time after its gone”
I love the last line of your post. I recently read some of Brene Brown’s work and have been trying to apply her philosophy/exercise of making the most generous assumption you can regarding others. Always assume the “other” is facing something that deserves tenderness, or at least, consideration. Well done – thanks for posting.
yes! extending that generosity – how many of the world’s problems would be entirely null if we employed that all the time?
I really hope you will continue with this series. Even though I have been a step mom for almost 11 years (I am going to be 36 next month) and my step kids are grown ups now (boys are 26 and Jane is 24) it is so nice to read about your experiences and your outlook on this matter. I have a great relationship with the kids, but it has not always been the case and looking back I would have changed so much in my own behaviour. I wish I was more understanding, I wish I could have put myself in their shoes more…but I must have done something right as they do come to me when they want to talk and they don’t want to talk to their parents. I feel grateful and appreciated when they tell me first about new relationships, their dreams, etc. And I understand so much more since becoming a biological mum last year…Also seeing them loving on their little sister (technically half-sister, but they never call her that and won’t let anyone use that term when talking about Lola) is the best thing ever. It has not been smooth sailing but it was so worth it. I am really looking forward to reading the next part of this series 🙂