today’s my birthday. i’m turning 32. will it ever stop getting weird? will i ever stop saying these annoyingly trite things like, “i feel like i just graduated high school”? i mean, no, high school does not truly feel like it just happened but it does feel like the years since then have flown by. much faster than, say, one to fifteen years of age did. fifteen to 32? i’ve got kids and a house? i’m on the other side of the wedding planning and baby-making? what?
this was a hard year for me in many ways. most of which, i never really discussed here because they felt really personal and hard and sad and scary to open up and talk about. they’re still those things, but it’s my birthday so i… cry if i want to?
they very much relate to last-baby-stuff and time passing so fucking fast that it actually makes me angry sometimes and how it is so hard to be moving out of the season of babies such that i just want to have another and another and another forever but that’s unrealistic in so many ways. least (or most?) of which is i married into an already-made (large) family with an older husband. a lot of legitimate reasons, but none trump that visceral desire to have a baby on my chest again. i love a newborn baby on my chest. at times, the sadness of it all was (is?) so thick that it felt like my throat might actually close up, like utter panic. there were some days where i felt powerless to it. a song, a picture, and here comes the wave to wash over me. there are days full of chaos, both beautiful and not, and i think, “yes. our hands are very full. this is good, just like this.” and then there are days where i think i would practically give my right arm to have an hour holding my newborn again. i can hardly stress how much i mean that. my right arm! (would make it awful hard to hold them, though.)
and even still there are days when i welcome the flexibility that comes as your kids grow out of the baby stage. i feel the sadness as i leave the stage, and i (very tentatively) welcome the next one. mind-fuck, that’s what that is.
i have a wise friend who i’ve talked to about this and she said what she really wants is a rewind button. a rewind button. it was a lightbulb moment. can you imagine? if the years were more fluid, if we could move back and forth on them like a scale, seamlessly spending a few hours in our childhood home, then traveling over to relive that first moment when you laid eyes on your new baby and the world as you knew it was forever changed. that moment will forever be the moment for me. back home in time to get dinner on the table! these are the things i think about sometime. i know i’m not alone. mom-nostalgia. it’s all over social media. sometimes i simply do not want to read it or add my voice to the chorus because i’m feeling it so deeply already. a blessing and a curse. why am i talking about all of this today? i don’t know. it’s a new year. i’m laying it all out there. my life is really good and i am really lucky, but this thing is real and it’s been hard and i’m betting there’s things in your life that are hard and harder too. you’re not alone.
thanks for reading, as always.
{above image from this beautiful instagram account}
I feel the same way so much of the time. I’m trying to move on and be okay with no more babies, but I’m not there yet. One thing that did help a little was hearing someone say that you will always mourn the last baby, no matter how many you have. Anyway, happy birthday! I pray good things for you and your family this year. 🙂
very true. and i think time goes faster with each one! (another cruel reality!)
Happy Birthday, Bridget
I could write a million thoughts on how this post resonates so deeply with me. Most of them are completely irrational. Like how I’m holding off on having another baby because I’m convinced time will fly doubly fast having 2. Or how I’m jealous of every woman who hasn’t yet entered the baby phase of life bc the experience is so incredibly joyful. I’m already mourning a time that hasn’t yet passed for me and it makes me crazy. Anyway, feeling your feelings today… I suppose we are lucky to even be able to feel these feelings in the end
i understand this so well. and, at the end of the day, i think we are lucky. best wishes to you, caitlin.
I have a feeling you’ll love when you get to be a grandma! Change is definitely one of those things in life that is garunteed, how hard it can be.
Show off and celebrate being 32!
Thanks for sharing your heart.
happy happy birthday. this is amazingly written and resonates hard with me- i’m afriad to even entertain the idea of baby #2 yet because my husband only wants two and i don’t want to be in my last pregnancy or only hold my last baby or anything last. ahhhhhh.
xo, brittany
i’ve got a gift guide for the kiddos on my blog today!
http://www.notablob.com
Good morning and happy birthday to you…I really rarely comment here (or anywhere) but I felt your post this morning. Really all I wanted to say was thank you. Thank you for sharing your life and thoughts here and maintaining this community. It is a really important job (not as important as our families, but still so important). It makes me feel a little less alone in my thoughts and feelings. I hope your day is wonderful and full of kindness.
Anne
Hope that didn’t sound weird the way I phrased it, just meant to say I know Mama is the number one job title:)
thanks so much for your comment, anne. best wishes to you.
This is such a meaningful post, but it’s hard to read with the f-word. You are speaking about the most sacred thing humans do – create life, but use the most derogatory word. Mothers are so powerful .
sorry to have offended, jen. i don’t use the word terribly often but this shock i’ve experienced in my adulthood of time’s swift passage can make me that angry–such that wording it so strongly felt appropriate.
Motherhood makes me cuss all of the time for so many different reasons ?
This.is.so.true!
happy happy birthday – and thanks for sharing such big feelings so honestly. i know many women will hear themselves in your words and be comforted.
one thought (take it or leave it with a grain of salt!) is to look ahead to ways to channel your passion when your own newborn/baby stages have passed. whether it be a job helping new mothers, childcare, writing, fostering, birth/breastfeeding coaching, what have you – we should all look for paths that embrace our God-given gifts and this is clearly yours. maybe you will not carry the future newborns in your life through pregnancy but that doesn’t mean you won’t have many more to celebrate and shower with kisses.
XOXO
true, katie! all of what you said. still, it all feels less than the experience of actually having another. hopefully in time i will see the beauty and value more in many different paths!
Happy birthday! Ugh. The decision to be done is sooo final and soo overwhelming. I’m sorry it’s been so rough on you. I feel you 100%.
Take time to celebrate and enjoy your birthday!
I too approach milestones with joy and hesitation. My little one was baptized yesterday and the days leading up I was an emotional wreck. And still am a bit today. I just can’t stop all the feelings…whew. Mom-nostalgia is most definitely a real thing. And this post brought it all right back to the surface – don’t mind me wiping the tears at my desk during my lunh break haha.
No way you just wrote this; I just got back from good will to donate my baby boy clothes and maternity clothes and almost freaked out in the parking lot. I’m basking in my newborn girl right now but I know this is the last and know exactly what you’re feeling. Happy birthday and celebrate knowing you’re an amazing mama. Thank you for writing this so I know I’m not totally crazy!
Happy Birthday! I turned 32 in July and our third child (our last) is 19 months old. I can relate to many of the things you said. My husband and I are agreed that we will not have more children and I feel peace about it, but it’s still sad to think that I am leaving the baby phase and will never truly be back (although grandkids are a small consolation.) I feel that I am “best” at mothering babies as opposed to older kids. It’s sad to think that I will never be at my best again when it comes to mothering since I won’t be doing the baby thing anymore.
I do feel a twinge of jealousy when I hear of other women getting pregnant. I do feel a little “less than” others who go on to have more than 3 kids like me… like somehow they are better mothers or more capable mothers for being able to handle more than 3. At the same time, I know that I am blessed with 3 wonderful children and they are really all I can handle and all my marriage can handle.
I imagine it would be more challenging to be married to someone who already went through the baby phase 4 times before you got to experience it even once. It does make it feel just a little unfair. Even though you sort of knew what you were getting into when you chose to marry a widower father of four, you couldn’t possibly know how you would feel about the situation as a 32 year old mother of two. My husband and I have faced some conflicts over things that we couldn’t possibly have foreseen as young twenty somethings. I sometimes wish I would have thought some things through more before choosing a husband, and yet you never really know how you will both change as you get older. Your goals and values change and it’s sometimes hard to mesh that with another person who is also changing. Still, we go into marriage for better or for worse and we aim to keep that commitment no matter what. I try to embrace the good, even in the midst of some disappointments. I think we all experience them to some extent. Such is life.
rachel, your comment resonated so deeply with me. thank you for leaving it.
I’m surrounded by people who tell me the “you knew what you were getting” thing all the time (I did and did not the same time, I guess ;)) so I don’t really feel safe enough to open up about wanting to have another one and not wanting to drive my husband insane –
I could create a huge list of things I love about your blog, but the feeling of “not being alone in this” is one I think I do value the most. It’s not just about your posts – in addition to them I find so much reassurance in comments like this one for example, so thank you so much, to the both of you for your honesty and for making it all a bit more bearable.
so glad you’re finding comfort in this, Licia. the post and comments!
If I found that rewind button, I would let you know first, just as a small compensation for all the comfort this here as brought me over the course of the years when everything else was just a huge pile of dirty laundry not ever getting smaller 😉
Licia,
Thank you for your kind words! I think the relative anonymity of the comments section allows me to be more honest than I would feel comfortable being in person. It makes me wonder how many others are feeling the same way but are afraid to express it. You are certainly not alone! I hope you eventually get your heart’s desire… whether that is in the form of another baby to love or in the change of heart and being at peace with the way your family is now.
When I said “mother of 2,” I should have clarified that I meant mother of 2 babies. Clearly, you are a mother of 6. Didn’t mean to leave the older kids out! 🙂
I also love and resonate with this comment, on two levels. Firstly, feeling as though women who go on to have more than (my) 3 are somehow better mothers, more capable, able to handle it etc – I feel this way strongly as well. We are still to-ing and fro-ing about more, I thought I definitely wanted more, had a miscarriage and am now back at the other end of the pendulum. The choice is driving me mental.
Secondly, wishing you thought through things more, but also knowing that you can’t foresee the issues that pop up in your 30s, 40s, whatever. I am totally there. I am also landing on the side of “if I thought through things more, I probably would have been scared away from my choice and the possibility of not having this because I was scared of not being able to cope with what it means ….. is incredibly sad”. I’m glad I didn’t know, because if I’d known, I might not have chosen, and then I would have missed out due to fear.
Oh, the ache. I am there.
Oh and I forgot something: when I had my miscarriage, I realised that while I do want another baby just for their own sake, I was also pining for what a new baby represents: hope, freshness, new beginnings. Lots about my life feels really hard and heartbreaking right now, but a new baby felt like a symbol of joy and hope, something beautiful and perfect in the midst of a lot of mess.
When I lost the baby, I realised that all new people bring with them their own joy, but also their own capacity for heartbreak.
Lacey, I’m glad my comment resonated with you. As someone who is also living in a lot of “mess,” I can totally relate to your longing for a new beginning and fresh start. I’m so sorry for your miscarriage. I also had one (my first pregnancy) and it was so hard to experience that loss. I hope you are encouraged to know there are others also feeling the frustration and heartache of unforeseen challenges, disappointments, and difficulties. Sometimes, it’s just nice to hear someone say, “Me too.” and know you’re not the only one. 🙂
lacey, wishing you so much peace in your future and that you find what you’re looking for. life is so incredibly complex, isn’t it?
Happy birthday and I am right there with you in the almost leaving baby stage! Such heartache and goodness wrapped up together. I’m still holding out hope for one more newborn. Nothing like it.
Happy birthday, Bridget! Thanks for sharing a little bit about what’s going on in your heart today. One observation is how MUCH love you have in a heart that’s practically exploding for your two little guys – that’s an amazing part of being the age you are now and the place you’re at in life now! I’m 28 (no kids yet) and have been trying to appreciate, especially this week with all that’s been going on, how much deeper I feel things now, having never been a very emotionally connected person. There’s a desire to go back to the innocence of youth, but I would never want to forego the riches of what I have now, even though it can be harder sometimes/ a lot of times. Hope you can feel the feelings you have but also appreciate the beauty in them! <3
I turned 32 in summer and still desperately hope I’ll cradle another newborn one day soon. I hope, I pray, I snuggle my fidgety two year old.
I don’t mean this is an “easy” solution or passing-gratification (I’m not sure what it’s “not” exactly) but have you thought about fostering newborns? At some stage my parents looked into fostering newborn babies before they were placed with long-term foster families and adoptive parents. I don’t know the appropriate way to ask or suggest this, I don’t mean to sound insensitive, but you have the love to give and love the littles and goodness knows, there are many who need it.
Maybe one more? Not sure how many times that works, and eventually one will actually be the last, but this sounds so deep and real that maybe you can’t be done yet.
I feel similar feelings as a mother of one who hopes to have 2-3 more babies in the coming years. The end while hopefully far off for me seems so final and I cannot imagine ever being there and being ok with it, but I think when you’re really done it feels that way in your heart. I know your family is a bit different in that there are already 6 kids, but my go to is that you have to listen to your heart and instincts as best as you can in the present to avoid future heartache. So, I’ll conclude with the same as my opener – maybe do it again. I have to believe that there will be a point that it feels okay.
I don’t usually give deep or personal (especially unsolicited!) advice as a total stranger, but clearly just did it, as many of your words resonated with me and gave me the same panic feeling that you described. Regardless, happy birthday and thank you for sharing your life in such a vulnerable way. I always look forward to your posts.
Totally get it. My oldest is 15. And she’s the dearest girl. And she has all of these plans and dreams and none of them seem to involve her staying here in the same town. And I grieve it with all of my heart. It’s never made more painful than when my kids break out the old home movies. I.CANNOT.DO.IT. I am convinced we are not wired to withstand literally watching our babies be babies many years after the fact. Heart crushing.
Sigh. I don’t have any wisdom to offer. I’m just with ya. (Except for the cursing….sorry to be a prude but I despise that word…..)
I think you’re right on the wiring thing. I also think we’re just not wired to love them so hard and deep and with every fiber of our being with the end goal (one of them anyway) being their independence of us. I spend every waking hour with them and one day… I won’t? Will they remember all of this time we spent together? Guh. I’m going to stop before I cry. Hoping your girl chases her dreams, but comes home to hug her Mama a lot too.
I don’t swear all the time – sorry for the offense! – but it just makes me that mad sometimes!!!
My oldest is turning four in January and it seems impossible – even though every birthday and month feels that way at some point. and i feel you on not wanting to even voice it sometimes because it hurts so real. Most of the time I am hyper aware of it. I often say I wish we could get 5 years out of every 1 year with them. So we could really soak it up – but then I’d probably be begging for five more years. Time is INSANE.
Hope you have a wonderful birthday today, Bridget!! You are such an amazing mother and an inspiration to so many. xox
Although I don’t particularly enjoy the newborn phase, I love watching the different personalities and interactions between the kids develop and I had mixed feelings about my last babies (twins) being the last – not wanting to go through pregnancy again, but wanting to have the time to focus on ONE baby.. I think it’s especially hard for you, as you have already experienced what comes as the kids grow up – the baby phase is the only part you haven’t experienced before. And still so young….I hadn’t even had my first at your age! I hope you find peace with your decision and look forward to the fun times ahead that will come as Anders becomes more independent. Yes it’s bitter sweet, but the love I see between my children as they grow is really special and I can’t wait to see how they evolve.
Hope you had a wonderful birthday.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
I wish you peace and joy and know that someday your home will be filled beyond capacity with bigs and littles and everyone in between. It doesn’t really end. Yes, they leave you but you have created a bond that is true and deep. They return and they bring their littles and those littles love you more than you can imagine and then you send them home and return to your peace and joy and time with your husband. It’s all good.
thank you cynthia! that is a beautiful picture you just painted.
I know this will sound silly to some, but I am currently pregnant with my first child and I ALREADY feel a bit like this. I’ve looked forward to this time in my life for so long and now that it’s here, I just want time to slow way way (fucking) down. Is it possible to feel nostalgic for this time RIGHT NOW? ha. Everyone keeps telling me to enjoy it while it lasts because time goes so quickly and I just want to shout, “I KNOW, SHUT UP!” as if that will help slow things down.
Anyways, I get it, even though I’m not there yet.
Happy birthday, Bridget!
oh gosh. soooo many telling you how fast it goes, right?! (myself included!) so frustrating! enjoy your pregnancy, breanna! such beautiful days ahead.
Happy BIRTHDay Bridget! I have to say, i love that you said fuck. It conveys such an honest and raw level of emotion. Even though I’m in a very different stage in my life journey I felt alongside you and your pain. Thank for for sharing with us all.
sometimes the f-word is just necessary. at least, that’s my feeling anyway. thanks meghan 🙂
Hi Bridget,
I always love reading your blog. Today’s post reminds me of a conversation I had with a friend who said when you’re done having babies there is a grieving period and it’s real. You have to let yourself have that time and know all the feelings are valid. It allows your heart to move forward.
And its ok to say fuck, sometimes life is just fuckin hard.
: )
Happy Birthday!!
This topic and the comments are so interesting and helpful to me. I’m from a religious culture where you have as many babies as you want to have, and you stop when you feel it’s enough. So people have big families, like four, five or six kids. Of course I know you have six kids total, and yea that’s a lot. I feel so so bad for you that you don’t get to have as many as you yearn for- it happens to so many women through various circumstances. For pretty much all of my friends though, they’re totally “done” at a certain point so they stop- but I’m pregnant with my fifth and I have this fear that I will never get that “done” feeling. Reading your thoughts and the comments comforts me because I realize there is more than one reason to stop- you don’t always get that done feeling and that’s ok. It can be grievous and sad to stop instead of a relief and that’s ok. It seems so clear to so many of my friends and an easy choice when to stop, and for me I just can’t imagine it ever being clear or easy. You’ll get through this.
Happy birthday…? That feels trite when you’ve written such a deep post. I can’t imagine those conversations about being “done” with kids, considering I cried when my husband said “maybe we aren’t ready for baby #2 right now” when I had previously thought we were both on board.
Hoping your heart overflows with love from the people around you. <3
Happy birthday lady. Well said. VERY well said.
Oh boy, this is all so true. I didn’t even like the newborn stage (I currently have one 8 month old) but even when she was just 3 days old, I was nursing her and had this image of her as a little old lady at the end of her life and it just made me sob and sob. The passing of time is so bittersweet and who knows if I’ll ever feel at peace with it.
In the meantime….happy birthday! Thank you for such a lovely blog.
Oh how I understand this. I purposely stopped those Facebook memories because my heart just can’t take it . We just moved out of the house (& across the county) from where we started our little family. My oldest is turning 10 this week and I’m a mess. Double digit! I don’t think these feelings ever really go away – I just think we get better at managing them! My wish is just for a pause button. Happy 32- the best is yet to be. Xoxo- Stephanie
Well, I’m glad you shared this. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one mourning this. My husband and I are in our thirties and have two kids. I think we are probably done but i don’t know…. for the past year I feel like I’m constantly having the debate between sticking with two kids or going for a third in my mind. At times I think….seriously, why is this consuming my thoughts soooo much! I can totally relate to the throat closing, panicky feeling about it all. It’s really hard to possibly be saying goodbye to the baby times and at the same time there is so much to look forward to with sticking with what you have. Ugh, decisions!
steph, if i could tally how many hours i spend going over this in my head… hundreds at this point! drives me crazy. wishing you peace and happiness in your future!!!
Oh Bridget, I feel you. After we lost our Frannie, I joined a grief group for moms who lost babies. Every single person in the group went on to have another baby and I went on to a cancer scare and an emergency hysterectomy. It feels so unfair to me that I never will never again see the milk drunk look of my newborn while others experience it over and over. I too have moments were two feels ok, but I tell Jared all the time that I would give every thing we own and years of my life to spend time with Phinny or Gray as newborns again. What greater gift could there be? I never voice these opinions, because I know that I’ve been given much, but solidarity friend. Right there with you.
oh Mel. that is so hard. while my situation is different than yours, it feels like, for both of us, things out of our control have had a huge say in our life without our mind or heart being on board. we’ve been given so much, but man, that rewind button. don’t i wish…
It is tough one. I am pregnant with my third and maybe last baby and am trying to think about it being the end but I am conflicted with relief and just not being sure. I am also 36 so I am staring down the end of the barrel either way. It is the human condition to look back and miss where we have been, especially when we have been blessed with good lives and families. I miss being a newlywed and while I love my husband more now and we have our awesome kids, that was a special time and I miss it. It is hard hard stuff.
oh gracious, i am sending so much love in your direction!! i relate too well. time passing is so so hard for me, in a way that sometimes makes all of life feel like a beautiful, cruel trick. here! enjoy this magical, fleeting thing! quick, because now it’s gone!!!! now here’s this one! nope gone! here’s this one! do you love it? are you pouring your soul into it? GOOD! remember that cause now it’s gone, too. but i know God is good and has so much more goodness in store. also, happy birthday!!!! yay november birthdays!!! i turn 30 in a week which, you know, is one of *those* ages you think too much on, so. 😉
Bridget- this is so beautifully written. As a new mom to a 6 month old I so resonate with this. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
This. Thank you for sharing these words that most of us feel but do not share. P.S Use Fuck whenever you want/need to lady, it’s your blog, and freedom of speech cha feel?
So of course this comment is two months too late, but I just couldn’t stop myself from chiming in. I always have related so much to your post and comments on the experience of giving birth and having a small baby. I can’t think of anything in my life that has come anywhere near the unbelievable wave of joy and peace and wonder. I gave birth to my seventh just two days before your Anders. And all I can say is it is always the same. I would read your post on him and think – it’s so true and wonderful and unbelievably fleeting. But my point is I don’t think there is ever a number of children that you can have that feels like enough when you are a person that thrives through those days and experiences. I feel that this baby/ toddler is my last because I’m getting old, and really- seven! But if I thought it would go well and I could do it, I would have seven more. I think for certain people it is just something you would never choose to be done with, but reason and circumstances dictate that that phase must pass. I guess I don’t have any practical advice because I am pretty squarely where you are, but to say even in different circumstances you would still probably feel broken hearted eventually. – What a ridiculous comment. I apologize if it would have been better to keep to myself.
hi susanna! gosh, no. i’m glad you left this comment because it gets right to something i believe would be true for me too — i’d mourn this stage’s passing no matter what. no amount of babies will ever give me my birth and newborn “fill”. so happy for you and your seven (!!). so much chaos and love must be swirling around your house daily. we have plenty of both too!