I am counting to 1, 2, 3 at least four times a day for Parker right now. Or threatening, “I’m about to ask a third time. I’m about to!” We’re not certain what happens if I reach 3 and my request continues to go unnoticed. Sometimes I declare, “No Paw Patrol!” (An addiction of his at the moment, and one that I am trying to break.)
But I’d like to get a better system. A chart? Something with stickers? Good listening, being kind to Anders, getting ready for the day nicely, and helping around the house gets him closer to… a new Matchbox car? A knight? Something that motivates him to do xyz and keeps me from feeling frustrated. I don’t want it to be so difficult and the reward so hard to attain that he loses interest. I want it to be something where he can obviously see his progress. I also don’t love rewarding children for things that they should do like brushing their teeth, or picking up their room, but maybe I should reward for those now? Stop when he’s older and more is expected of him? Do you give a sticker for a full day of good behavior? Or a sticker for every time they listen when they don’t want to? I want to have it spelled out for me! What do you do?
A quick search on Pinterest brought up two that I like: this ticket system maybe? Or this pom-pom jar one?
Steve and I–and maybe you too?–have the hardest time sticking to things when it comes to discipline. Desperate times call for desperate measures, and when times are desperate we do come up with a system. And then, time passes, things are less desperate, we get lax. Our inconsistency is so frustrating to me. Our last big parenting move was banning technology from 5-7:30 unless it was for school use. (Things were very desperate at the time.) We’ve since, you guessed it, gotten more lax. Until things turn desperate again.
What’s your system?
Going to check back back and see if others have suggestions! I feel like we're in a tough spot too right now—and she's so disappointed in herself when stuff gets taken away/out of control…I want her to feel like she's in charge of her success and can see her progress. I like the pom poms—we tried that 'desperately' once and used a random jar with random objects she didn't care about…and it didn't work. I had a hard time remembering to reward for good…but easily took away when things were bad. Maybe limiting to 3 jobs and then bonus ones is better.
Ack. It's not easy.
We don't do a rewards system at this point. Right now we do time-out. We could backwards from 5. If we hit 0, it's time-out for the # of minutes that they are old in years. This has worked quite well for us–our 3yo very rarely gets in time-out anymore. There are some things that are an automatic time-out (hitting, yelling at us, etc.) and we have a chair he sits in and we set the timer on the microwave. After the time is up we go to them, explain why they are there and behavior that would be a better solution next time, and ask them to apologize. Sometimes the 3YO doesn't want to apologize. If this is the case, time-out starts over.
He has been known to sit in time-out for a very long time. But that was in the beginning and now it is a rarity for that to happen.
Discipline stinks and I know it totally varies child to child. We aren't opposed to spanking but we also know our children wouldn't respond well (oldest is sensitive and would feel betrayed and youngest DGAF about… anything). Time-out didn't work so well for 3 when he was younger but it definitely became appealing around 2. Good luck! This stuff isn't for the faint of heart. I know it sucks and is hard but consistency is key.
My boys are now 8, 6 and 3, but when the middle child was young, he didn't know the number four. He counted by saying "one, two, three, time out!" So, I've been there. Those years were awesome, but difficult.
We started a "gem jar" and we still use it today. I got a big jar of "gems" or those little glass things you're supposed to put in the bottoms of vases, and an empty mason jar. When the boys did something good, a gem went in. Something bad, a gem went out. When they were very young, I tried to make sure more went in than came out. If I hadn't put any in for a couple days, I made sure I gave them opportunities to do good and be good. When the jar was halfway full, we went out for ice cream. When they filled it, we went bowling or had a special movie night or some family fun time.
It worked (and continues to work) for us for several reasons.
1. It's totally at my discretion. I'm not tied in to figuring out what I want them to do because when they were young, we were always working on different things. One week it was back talk. The next it might be hitting. Or getting out the door in a decent manner. Or dinner behavior. Or they might get 4 gems for following directions when somebody is sick and I really really need them to follow my directions. They still always get a gem anytime they get a compliment on their behavior in public. Gems in is always good, so it has staying power.
2. It's visual. When they get close to a treat, they start voluntarily cleaning and all sorts of awesome stuff. On the flip side, we've had a couple times when behavior was BAD and I dumped the whole jar out. This was only when they were older and something huge was needed to make an impression on them.
3. It's positive. It helped me develop a good habit of complimenting them on good behavior, reinforcing the good and hopefully giving them an internal dialogue that they're great kids and even when you forget or screw up, it doesn't take away all the great things.
I really like this idea. Thanks for sharing!
I also like this! I love that it encourages good behaviour as a family team. I might give it a go!
We do something really similar found in the link below. Basically fill a happy face jar and a frowny face jar each half full with corn kernels. Good behavior gets a scoop from the frowny jar into the happy jar. Bad behavior gets the opposite. A full happy jar gets a major reward! We try to do an outing or family activity as much as possible so it's not always about getting stuff. And a full sad jar … well, we've never gotten there. But the threat is that it would be a major consequence … a favorite toy revoked until the happy jar is filled or a tv show taken away for an extended period, etc. I like this for the same reasons above, but also because:
1) it neutralizes the negative attention. I have a 1 year old and a 4 year old and I find that now that the 1 year old is competing for attention and no longer just an adorable lump, the 4 year old is going to be happy with any attention she gets. And sometimes negative attention is more powerful. With this, I don't have to make a big deal of her bad behavior. I just say, "I'm going to do a frowny scoop." And then I do it and it's over. But it also helps to magnify the positive attention. It's not just a "great job, kiddo! Thanks!" It's "great job! That was so awesome I'm going to give you a happy scoop!" So it puts negative and positive attention on a more even playing field.
And 2) I find that a lot of our negative stuff is something really small … some kind of small boundary testing that just adds up throughout the day. It's maybe not worth a full punishment. I ask her to stop throwing, so she tosses it lower to see how much she can get away with. I don't want to play this game all day, but the low toss wouldn't be a problem on it's own. This helps me to have a way to not totally ignore this kind of thing without blowing it out of proportion, either. I can give scoops for just having a generally good day, or for something that happens in the moment when she was kind to her sister or considerate of a friend or remembered to clear her plate without being told, etc.
It has helped us A LOT! We go in and out of use with it a bit, but it has generally had pretty good staying power, and tends to work for us.
Good luck! I'll be interested to see what method(s) you try! http://www.farmerswifeamy.com/2014/10/effective-toddler-discipline-happy-sad.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed:+blogspot/ZRdfh+(%7Bthe+farmer%27s+wife%7D)&m=1
Guys! Thank you for all of this information.
I am right there with you, solidarity sister! I don't know the answer. I've started to be more consistent with just not asking more than twice for him to do what he's supposed to do (he's almost 4). So if I've asked twice, I'll tell him I'm not going to tell him again and then I'll start counting. If he hasn't come to me or done whatever by the time I get to 3, he sits in time-out.
I tried a version of the bean jar but it just didn't work for us. I probably didn't do it right. But every time he'd get in trouble, I'd take a bean away, and he'd have a total meltdown that he lost a bean. So not only did I have him acting up for the original thing, then I'd have a meltdown over a stupid bean. So I phased that out. It wasn't worth the added drama.
All this to say I'm just commiserating with you, we haven't figured it out either but I'm slowly realizing that consistency is key with whatever we try to do.
I love her and I hate her, but Janet Lansbury usually has something helpful for me when I'm losing my mind with my kids. I think you have to approach all parenting advice with a "take what you can, leave what you can't" attitude, but I do find her approach to be really revealing of my own motives in sorting out my kids behavior. (ie: I usually just want it (the screaming/tantrums/biting) to stop.) Anyway. Maybe a good starting place for figuring out what you want to work towards!
I second this! Including the bit about (I think) not stressing about doing everything she recommends perfectly.
I swear we are literally in the same world right now. My almost 4-yr-old, while completely adorable and funny, is making me crazy. I was just saying to my husband last night, why does it have to be this hard? I don't want to yell and bicker and give empty threats!! I end up mad at myself after I lost my patience on him. Our current issue is getting him to sleep in his own bed. We had several weeks away or family visiting and he got used to not sleeping alone. Now, it's hell trying to get him there without 30 min of fighting…and him eventually pattering in at 2pm. I am totally reading all the comments on this one. IT TAKES A VILLAGE!
I yelled at my kid today so feel like the last person to make a suggestion. But we like Dr. Laura Markham and her approach to the topic, using the relationship and focusing on underlying needs. We know most annoying kid behaviours are developmental and they'll grow out of them.. I'd rather nurture the trust in our parent-child bond then gain short-term good behavior and I believe kids feel more secure and grow into their authentic selves when they don't need to earn approval through good behaviours. But that doesn't mean there are no limits or no boundaries.. I just have to accept I'll be repeating myself a lot instead of getting more instant results. " I know waiting is really hard, let's find something else we can do instead of trying to grab the toy from your brother".. But I'm in it for the long game. I also really admire other parenting styles and mean zero judgment, just an interesting approach that works for us. Except for the days when I lose my patience, lol. Hugs!
http://goodjobandotherthings.com/dare-not-to-discipline-my-conversation-with-dr-laura-markham/
Really appreciate your insight, Meghan. Thank you!
We went through this with our daughter when she was barely three. We started noticing some serious signs of defiance and testing the limits. I started doing a sticker chart with her, where if she got to 10 stickers at the end of the day (after dinner), she would get a "prize" from a prize bin (stocked with Dollar Store items). My husband is a teacher so remembered from his early education classes that you need to start with rewarding every single little thing they do right to get them to understand the reward system, then each day you reward for bigger things. It worked well for us! Another thing I do is warn her when I'm about to lose my shit. haha. I tell her that "Mommy's losing her patience" and she usually knows then that I mean business! Daddy's the enforcer at our house, so sometimes I struggle with making my words come across as much as I would like them to, because they know mommy usually gives in 😉
Good luck! "This too shall pass"
Totally agree! I second the teaching children about rewards as well. As adults, we assume certain things are supposed to happen, or that certain behaviors should be given. However, children usually do not have the innate sense of internal motivation. So, using positive reinforcement (over and over and over again, eee gads, because it just takes so long for them to get it) teaches children about the feeling of a reward. It helps them to understand routines, what's expected, etc. Many studies have shown that positive reinforcement help to develop a child's internal motivation- or in other words, it helps them start to understand that certain things are expected, and that it feels good to help out, be a good sibling, etc, etc. Either way, it is certainly not easy!!
I agree! I'm a teacher and an animal trainer and I only use positive reinforcement and that is what develops trust with my students and animals! For teaching, at the beginning of the year, I reward for every little thing that is a positive choice in the right direction. Same thing with animals! You reward every step in the right direction at the beginning and then you can slowly take the small rewards away(not in a bad way and slowly!) and start to reward a bigger prize at the end of the day instead of throughout the entire day. I am constantly using verbal positive reinforcement as well!
Man oh man! Discipline is so hard. As an elementary school teacher, it is my biggest weakness. I do a ticket system for individual students that a lot of parents use at home, but I think a jar of stones or something visual works best, which is what I use for my whole class behavior. I also don't like to reward with "things" so I try to do fun stuff, like get to use a fun pen or wear slippers to school. Instead of rewarding with toys, I would recommend using rewards such as "movie night" or "ice cream date with Mom" so that the emphasis becomes more on spending time with each other and less about the "thing." Whatever you decide to do, stick with it! It'll be worth it in the long run!
My husband and I have been seeing a cognitive behavior therapist to help us with our parenting. There is lot to it. But the basics is praise the heck out of the good behavior when you see it. Praise to the point you think it is over the top. He puts on his shoes – praise. He is nice to his brother – praise. He says thank you – praise. We have had good luck.
On it!
The book "How to talk so your kids will listen and listen so your kids will talk" has some great insights, without developing a full system that's hard to keep up with. It's worked wonders for our 5 & 3 year old!
I actually have that one, and have read it too! Now to remember all of its lessons and actually employ them…
Everyone else's suggestions are better than mine, but I just wanted to say I am right there with you with the 1-2-3. My 3yo now says, "Mom, count to three!!" when the 18mo is misbehaving and then will yell, "BLAKE, YOU LOST YOUR DESSERT!" ????
LOL Tara I know this must frustrate the heck out of you when it happens, but this little story absolutely cracked me up!! 🙂
Our little one isn't as old as Parker (closer to Anders age) but we tried counting. We noticed that he realized he got 3 chances when really he gets one so we stopped. Now we are implementing time out (which Parker is too old for). Why is parenting so hard? And why are they so smart? Sending you good vibes and patience for days 🙂
They are so smart! (Laughed a little at him thinking he has three chances… oh, kids!)
I have a morning routine system that's simple enough for me to keep up with — when I say it's time, the 3 and 5 year old need to get themselves dressed (I help when needed, fold and put away PJs and make their bed. Then they get themselves a sticker and put it on a hand drawn chart of 10 boxes on their door. When the chart is full, they get a very small chocolate that I keep in the freezer so I don't eat them (ha!).
I'm a lazy parent, but this helps because it's a small thing, consistent and encourages independence. Success in this has bred success in other areas like putting on shoes, leaving the baby alone, washing hands etc. I have learnt, though, that it's not realistic for me to expect that I can fluff around on my phone or stack the morning dishes while they do their routine. We will get there eventually, but for now, I need to be physically present and help them move along to the next step. "Great work with the buttons. Okay, now you need to lay the shirt flat so you can fold it." They are almost independent at it and it has really helped me start the day well.
Hope you find a great idea that you can maintain — isn't that the challenge!? I hate that I start all these stupid systems and then can't follow through. I make them too complicated, I buy something special for it, or design some ridiculous graphic print out that I never use again etc.
I really like your system. And I agree–I sometimes make it way too complicated and then have zero follow through!
Bridget I have to tell you charts and stickers and pompoms don't work. The only thing that works is to verbally reinforce the good behaviors (no need to overdo it though) and model behaviors in need of shaping. For example, if Parker doesn't put his shoes on when you've told him he needs to, calmly help him put on his shoes. Expecting a four year old to keep his room clean is unrealistic. Every morning you make his bed and maybe he plumps the pillow. At the end of the day (before dinner), you all pick up the toys and put them in their places. If you have so many toys that this is a huge chore for even you, reduce until you have only 1-2 bins of stuff. The rest that is worth saving can rotate in from your personal toy library when other toys rotate out. Be calm, patient, repetitive. Children will learn from this consistency. It takes longer than you'd wish but that's just the way it is. I'd also recommend that you allow Parker and Anders to work out their own squabbles independently as often as possible. As long as no one is getting seriously hurt, they will do much better in the long run than if you interject yourself as the overseer and referee. There will be some rough and tumble but that is BOYS. (My credentials are having raised two sons who remain best friends and are both wonderful, gentle, loving papas!)
Your credentials are good enough for me! Thank you, Cynthia.
I respectfully disagree with these suggestions. If I always help my children when they don't do as I've asked, they get the idea that they don't have to do anything because I'll come do it! Depends on your kids, I suppose, but I have some who will definitely use their "helplessness" to their advantage. I'm trying to foster independence, so in our house, if you sleep in a bed that's not a crib, you make it. Now the three year olds never do a good job, but that's not the pint. The point is we have high expectations and we know our kids can try to meet them. I don't ask for crisp sheets, just pulled up covers and some effort around household responsibilities. Little kids can do a lot, and I think when they see how much they can do, they are encouraged. When they think they can't do anything without help, they are not developing a positive sense of self. Also, we have a big family. We cannot put on coats for everyone who's choosing not to listen at that moment. So we have to enforce doing as you're told, with punishments and rewards, if we ever want to get out the door!
I respectfully disagree with these suggestions. If I always help my children when they don't do as I've asked, they get the idea that they don't have to do anything because I'll come do it! Depends on your kids, I suppose, but I have some who will definitely use their "helplessness" to their advantage. I'm trying to foster independence, so in our house, if you sleep in a bed that's not a crib, you make it. Now the three year olds never do a good job, but that's not the pint. The point is we have high expectations and we know our kids can try to meet them. I don't ask for crisp sheets, just pulled up covers and some effort around household responsibilities. Little kids can do a lot, and I think when they see how much they can do, they are encouraged. When they think they can't do anything without help, they are not developing a positive sense of self. Also, we have a big family. We cannot put on coats for everyone who's choosing not to listen at that moment. So we have to enforce doing as you're told, with punishments and rewards, if we ever want to get out the door!
Yes, Kati! Littles are much more capable than we give them credit for! My credentials are 9 kids ages 7 mo – 16 yrs. They are kind, respectful, hard working, fun, obedient, and I really like them! And I did I mention they're fun and a joy to be around. My mom commented to my sister the other day after having the oldest 5 stay with her for 4 days that she never hears them argue.
I encourage them when they do the right thing and when they disobey, they receive a consequence. I don't count, I don't warn. My oldest 5 (11-16) rarely, if ever, get in trouble. The 4 and 5 year olds know what is expected because we've practiced.
So, Bridget, if you want to help yourself and those babies, take some time to practice. We call it training time. Sit them down and say, "Ok cuties! When Mommy tells you to do something, I want you to cheerfully answer me with, 'Yes, Mommy' then go right away and do it. Let's practice." Tell Parker to go to the couch and sit down (or some simple instruction). He says, "Yes, Mommy." and goes right away and does it. You encourage him and thank him for obeying cheerfully and right away. Practice with Anders and over a hand to lead him. Do this for 5-10 minutes 3 times a week.
Because Parker is older, let him know that if he doesn't obey right away or cheerfully, there will be a consequence. The next morning when you go to give him instructions and he ignores, whines, whatever, remind him only this first time (maybe after naptime too) but not every time, that he practiced the right way to respond to Mommy and if he doesn't he'll receive a consequence. Tell him again and expect him to do it. If he doesn't, give the consequence. If kids can obey when you count to 3, they can obey when you speak once, calmly and sweetly. Also, after the consequence, have him apologize and always give him a do-over. So if you told him to pick up a toy and he didn't do it, after the consequence and apology tell him, "Let's try that again." Go back to the scene, repeat your instructions and expect him to say, "Yes, Mommy" in a cheerful voice and then do it.
Be consistent, calm, encouraging, and don't nag, yell, guilt, threaten, or manipulate.
Kids practice music, sports, spelling words, etc. Why not practice kind, respectful, loving behavior, right?
That was supposed to say "offer" not "over" a hand to Anders to lead him.
9 kids! amazing!
thanks so much for this. i think i'll give it a try! i hate counting 1, 2, 3… it's frustrating, to both of us i'm sure. tell me, what do you have as a consequence?
I love what Cynthia said! And also second the friend above who mentioned Janet Lansbury. She's been a wonderful guide for me and my sons thus far. When my son was tiny, we tried just removing him from the situation and chilling out with him in another room – it worked well. I'd observe what I'd seen him do or what I wanted to see in concrete terms, always offering my help or support if he wanted it. Or helping him do what we were asking him to do (as Cynthia mentioned with the shoes). It still is what we do with him – time-ins, he calls them. We haven't done rewards or punishments – and he's a strong-minded kid – and it's been fine so far. We've gotten flack from my parents and brother but oh well. My focus has been the bond and relationship between us all and having him feel that we are behind him and working together toward a common goal (getting out of the house on time for school, keeping our place clean together, each of us being kind to every other member of the family,etc.). It's not easy. Never is! But it's good stuff.
I love Janet! I read two of her books and really enjoyed them – but, of course, am I employing all of her tactics?! Better reread…
Being explicit about the expected behaviors.
Giving choices to avoid power struggles.
Verbally recognizing positive behaviors.
Giving clear consequences that makes sense.
I would be hesitant in giving material rewards for acceptable behavior. As a teacher, I see so many students starting to expect something for doing the right thing. It's something that has increased in my 17 years as a teacher. I feel we are raising a sense of entitlement in children and it's alarming. My reasoning with students is "a police officer has never pulled me over and given me a jolly rancher for going the speed limit". That's not how life works. As a member of this family or classroom community, you are expected to…be kind to one another, be respectful in your tone and words, clean up after yourself, etc.
I would check out love and logic's website. I love their approach. They have a great email list with fast reads that are great reminders about parenting and teaching.
It isn't easy a job! But, wow, our world needs some great parents raising empathetic, responsible, critical thinkers!
This is so interesting to me – particularly that it's increased in your years teaching! (I love your reasoning here, too.)
My husband is a professor and he says that the quality of his student's work (particularly in written papers) has gone down. What does this mean?!?
I agree very much with this. Giving constant rewards for behavior that, if you think about it, should just be the minimum for living in civilized society– no pushing! no yelling! no disrespect!– sets unrealistic expectations. I'm not going to give my three-year-old a high five every time she shares a toy with her sister, you know? I might say "thanks for giving Zoe the ball, honey" but then we move right along. I don't get a pompom on my chart when I clean the bathroom or go grocery shopping, right? 🙂
We're pretty big on 1. establishing respect for the appropriate authority figures (she can learn to intelligently disagree later: right now she is only three, and she needs to do what Mommy says!) and 2. emphasizing the motivations for doing something. I don't JUST want her to share because Mommy said so: I want her to learn to share because she loves her baby sister and wants to make her happy, and because it makes our house a better place to live, and ultimately because it pleases God. 🙂
I really feel we live in such a disposable society. I know I am guilty of it myself. I don't take care of my possessions the way my 87 year old grandpa does because now there are so many things accessible for cheap. I wonder how that translates for children?
Honestly, I intentionally make myself not multi-task most of the time at school. Just so I can recognize positive behaviors- "thanks for throwing that away", "really love the tone you used with ____", "I notice the respect you gave me after I made that request". I've taught 1st to 8th grade, all my students eat it up. Most importantly, it is supporting relationship based discipline. Giving students rewards isn't contributing to a relationship. It's easy, its fast, but how authentic is it? I know when my students feel safe, cared for, respected, valued, and respected, their effort increases. But, they also know I am in charge! One of my 4th graders made me an acrostic poem. All with very complimentary words but my favorite was N for "never cross her". 🙂
I suggest reading the quick book "Love and Logic" By Jim Fay and Charles Fay. They give a good number of practical tips on how to train up and educate you child in all disciple areas and hopefully give them success as a 8, 12, 20 year old rather than quick fixes now. The book motivates us as parents to build up character qualities in our child and to try our hardest to STICK WITH IT even when we want an easy way out. (Plus it has good little stopping points so you can read for 3 minutes in the carpool line or 2 minutes outside before your beckoned to come play)
Good job for caring about your kiddos enough to ask for help and advice! Way to go mama!
Just put a hold on that book at the library! Thank you!
So in this same boat with my future stepdaughter.
From the way she's reacted with us, we believe that cleaning up is a form of discipline at her mom's house. I HATE this – we always have to remind her that she isn't in trouble, that we just like things to be in their place. I mean, she gets so confused and almost cries whenever we tell her to pick up after herself – it twists my heart into knots. We try to make it a positive thing by making it a group activity, "here, I'll put these away while you put those away", especially if it's a bigger mess like Legos.
It's very hard – especially when she's got three different homes, three different atmospheres, and three sets of authority figures to pick and choose as favorites. Not giving into her fighting back – even when she ugly cries – seems to be the thing that works for her the best. Sometimes she has to cool off in another room (or her room, we don't care, even if it has toys in it) for a while, but we eventually talk it out with her once she gets to a better place.
I think that no matter what you do, even if they don't appear to absorb the impact of the discipline right away, it does stick with them if you do it often enough. Make it simple, easy to remember (for all parties), and make it consistent.
We use Love and Logic. It's difficult to be consistent but it really does work! We saw almost immediately changes. However, some things they suggest just go against my natural grain but I do beleive the reasoning behind most of their suggestions is founded. We bought the cd set of Love and Logic for PRESCHOOLERS.
I didn't read all the comments so I don't know if it's already been suggested, but I'm currently reading "If I have to tell you one more time" http://www.amazon.com/Have-Tell-More-Time-Revolutionary/dp/0399160590 and it's amazing. When I read it, I'm kinda like, "really!? THAT'S your suggestion? that's it!?" but then I implement the suggestions and my 4-year-old's behavior changes dramatically. Big keys are NO REWARDS, no time outs, and no counting. Check it out. I'm hopeful it'll change my parenting life. Holding my breath, but it's looking good so far.
i like when/then statements. "when your clothes are in the hamper, then we can play a game of memory" or whatever is the thing they're looking forward to at the moment. just say it in a positive, upbeat way; no threats. "when the table is cleared, then we can start painting." then you carry on with whatever you're doing and see if they start getting busy. works pretty well with my 3-year-old.
Don't worry about being inconsistent! That's life and anyone who says differently is selling something (name that movie). Love and Logic really is great. I was a doubter but it works. Doing a sticker for a whole day of behavior would be distrastrous and teaching perfectionism. We are all made up of moments. My friend puts a button in a jar your good behavior and takes one away for bad behavior and it works great for her kids. The kids love the buttons and if they have a certain number in their jar at the end of the week they get a reward. Simple sticker charts have worked great for my kids. Whatever feels right, then you stop doing it for awhile because that's life, then you pick it back up when needed. Good luck! (I was just kidding about the selling something thing but really embrace your inconsistency because your kids will need to be able to do the same for themselves in so many things in life and they will thank you for your example!)
And I only think charts or external reward systems are something to be implemented every once in awhile, when the child and you need a one boost or when things are getting a little out of control. In big families especially, since kind of reward system for one child helps that child feel important, because sometimes they are acting out front lost in the shuffle. I have 4 kids and have problems with my two middle children, and they really respond positively to external reward systems because it's like it gives me and them control in the choas. Also don't overthink parenting… With all this advice you're getting remember the only truly truly important thing is our connection with our children (at least this is what my friends say who have lost a parent young).