as it turns out, going abroad doesn’t magically erase all of the woes, however big or little, you had back home. so, last night, when i was playing andrea bocelli’s ‘the prayer’ while cleaning the kitchen and i started to cry, i chose not to be surprised, not to tell myself snap out of it, bridget, you’re in italy for god’s sake, and instead i let the tears go. (even on the best of days, that song can make me cry.) parker was right there in the kitchen, holding his cross bow and looking up at me and i told him i was feeling sad and could i have a hug and he immediately stopped what he was doing to let me hold him while he patted my back and said, “it’s ok.” i had gotten an email earlier about a playdate for all the kids going to preschool this year (which parker will join in on when we return) and i thought about the fact that he’s missing that (though, no doubt he wouldn’t even care and is way more resilient than i am), and the fact that he’s going to school at all. i told steve yesterday that it feels as though my heart is always breathlessly playing catch up with the speed of time. how exhausting it would be to forever remain in the baby stage, or the toddler stage, or any stage at all, of course, but how am i already exiting that with parker? how did we arrive here so fast? i let myself, for a hot second, drift backwards to the moment i gave birth to him and he was placed in my arms. i saw it all like i was some other presence in the room, and then felt the weight of his body in present day while i held him and while he comforted me and while i told him how much i love him and how sometimes it makes me cry. i asked him if he’d still cuddle me when he got big and he said, “yes even when i’m big like faniel (nathaniel).”
i’ve never had a quote to call my own. i’ll read one and think yes that’s it and then promptly forget it the moment i close the book, walk away from the screen, what have you. but one that i keep coming back to lately is this by, my very favorite, james taylor: the secret of life is enjoying the passage of time. it’s so simple yet requires such diligent hard work on my part. to hold so many things so dearly that time has become something of an enemy also means that i am grateful, i am lucky, i am blessed. so, here i sit, from a bedroom in orvieto, working on this seemingly simple practice. i am grateful, i am lucky, i am blessed. over and over and over again.
I totally get it. I feel the same. Last weekend was a little celebration for the kids graduating from preschool, and even though my kid has 3 more years to go before that – I still totally cried. It's going fast. One consolation is that though I loved him dearly as a newborn I keep realizing that I love him more more more as time goes on…
love that. and so true. it changes, but it grows.
This! Yes! That exact line from that james taylor song has been in my head recently! I've thought of it often while holding my babies. Especially my 7 week old who already seems to be growing so fast!
i know! they speed through the newborn stage too quickly. it's such a curse, really.
Thanks for sharing this moment.
'a quote to call my own' — i love that. and that's a good one to keep close to your heart.
so good. it's a great song.
You write beautifully!!!
I've always noticed the rapid passage of time, but lately, the rapidity is scaring me. i feel like it's running out and running past so many things i wanted for myself. i fear the missing. and the wanting is crushing. and yet, the time keeps ticking. you're a lucky woman to have a bundle to hold on to–even if he grows.
yes, yes! i find that this fear/anxiety comes and goes in waves–and i hope yours does too–and you're right. so many bundles here, i am so lucky.
Beautiful & true. I understand your feelings completely. Watching my girls grow is such a blessing & so bittersweet.
So true, and so good for me today! I just had another birthday yesterday, and last year feels like it was so good, it could never be topped. But these words… Thank you! 🙂
happy belated birthday! i hope this year is even better than the last.
Beautiful, thank you. I just tended our 8 mo neighbor and had similar feelings as I watched my 20 mo play next to him. It is so difficult to remember to stop wishing for time to stop, or pause, or rewind. I needed this reminder today.
so difficult! if we could only get out of our own heads more.. not easy for me!
Ah – we had that song sung at our wedding 11 years ago…talk about time going too fast! Beautifully written, per the usual. 😉
This is so good for me to read because I've been in more of a "these little baby years are tough" place recently. I'm actively working on embracing these babies in these moments instead of scurrying them into independent activities because mama pretty much constantly needs a break…
I hear your heart and feel the same. One beautiful thing about you is that you are so present to your children, so tuned in, and intentional about living life to the fullest with them that though there is that deep pain of time passing, it is a "clean" pain for you, I'd think. That you will not have the additional, harder pain of regrets: of looking back and thinking you missed out on these years with them or you didn't really take time to enjoy them. My son is starting kindergarten in two weeks; he hasn't been in preschool at all. I feel overjoyed at this new chapter for him and am also, privately, sad about time's passage. But as I told my mom this week, "I feel content and happy that I left it all out on the court with this guy, so to speak. We freaking ROCKED the past six years of being together and it's been great. No regrets."
Thinking of you as you feel your pain, ask to be comforted and live with that duality of the preciousness of today and the fleeting nature of it too.
I think you need to have another kid or two! Honestly, you are such a good mom! Way to let yourself be sad.
So good. So true.
So good. So true.
Beautiful words, and so very true. Gratitude and recognition of all that's good and beautiful in life. It's not always an easy thing to do, but it makes everything better.
My wife has followed your blog closely for quite sometime and as I have recently started a "Dad" blog I checked it out for inspiration. Truly top notch work. Quite impressive. Check mine out sometime if you have a chance. http://www.mediocredad.org
Really enjoy what you've done here.
Oh I love that quote! The one I've been claiming the past number of years is similar – John Lennon -"life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." Good reminders to live in the moment, and enjoy normal every day life. Thanks for sharing!
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