this smiley boy has been such a light to our lives through a long and dark winter. he has the sweetest temperament. i catch him giggling at his brother parker (perched on my hip and with parker just below, he gets the best view of the whirlwind of a three year old), at his own reflection in the mirror, grinning ear to ear as we ride along in the car (i do so love watching him in the rear view mirror), as william heads his way to say hello, as steve gives him raspberries on his stomach. he’s the kickiest baby, his arms and legs are constantly flapping and kicking and when he really gets into it, he has this serious look on his face. he lights up when familiar people make eye contact with him, but it seems as though he’ll lend a smile to anyone who looks at him. in the mornings, he is my wake up call, and he will lie there kicking and cooing and staring at the trees outside the window until i stir enough to open my eyes and look back at him. when i do, without fail, he always gives me an enormous smile as if to say, “she’s awake! she’s awake!” he has the fairest skin, i’m always covering him when we’re out, and the bluest eyes and his hair, which is just starting to come in, seems to be blonde. i wonder if it’ll be straight or wavy. he’s ready to do more than his body will allow, which does result in some discontentment at times. he wants to sit up, he wants to crawl, he wants to eat, he wants to talk! oh anders, it’ll all come in time!
so much of him is simple and easy. he came into this world without much ado, he sleeps like a dream, and nurses great too. the hardest part of anders is me, really. since he’s been born, it’s all felt like it has been flying by and to say it’s left me, at times, gasping for air, isn’t an overstatement. here i am writing his six month post?! how!! i really, really, really love being the mother of a baby. yes it’s hard and there are times when i’m eager to hand him off so i can get laundry folded, emails answered, take a shower. but there is something so desperately beautiful in it all. in being needed so much, in having another’s face light up at the very sight of you. it’s chaos, but if you let yourself sit in it, you’ll find such satisfaction. it’s such hard work but it is such good work too.
i sometimes (a lot of times) wish i were different. it’s a blessing and a curse, this heartache that i feel as a mother. my friend recently shared these words by debra ginsberg with me, knowing they’d resonate so fully: “Through the blur, I wondered if I was alone or if other parents felt the same way I did – that everything involving our children was painful in some way. The emotions, whether they were joy, sorrow, love or pride, were so deep and sharp that in the end they left you raw, exposed and yes, in pain. The human heart was not designed to beat outside the human body and yet, each child represented just that – a parent’s heart bared, beating forever outside its chest.” i mean, it’s so beautiful, right? do all mothers feel this way? i really do wonder that. how can one feel the highs so fully without also feeling the sorrow the lows bring. and so, since he’s been here with us, i have looked at him and thought, “gosh, i wish this would last longer than i know it will,” instead of just enjoying the moment! if you’re wondering whether i drive myself crazy the answer is yes. i really love it, and so, its passing is mourned.
i’ll end with a little note to my littlest love on his six months and one day birthday.
dear anders,
you’re so big! you’re so bright! your personality lights up this home, and your big bright eyes do too. you are rosy, your cheeks and your disposition, and i’m so, so glad you’re here. i remember finding out i was pregnant with you in our downstairs bathroom of our old house. i gave your brother the test so he could hand it to your dad when he got home from work. i was so shocked and so happy to know you were on your way. you’ve been so nice to us, so easygoing ever since. i can’t believe you’ve been here six months already. i wonder if you’ll ever know how hard it is to watch your kids grow up, or if that’s something only moms feel so deeply. i am pretty certain you’re going to make people really happy in this world, as you’ve made us so far. there’s something really good in you. you might be thinking that moms are supposed to say that, but i can just tell. i love you to the moon and back. happy six months, baby boy (okay if i call you that forever?).
love mom
oh how time flies! happy birthday to you, anders!
Happy birthday, sweet boy!
Iris, The Starving Inspired
The sweetest post! Happy 6 months to sweet Anders! He is truly one beautiful little boy and he's one lucky little guy to get to call you mommy for all his days!
Please tell me you cry as you write these posts because I can't ever seem to keep a dry eye reading them. Beautiful words!
ohhhhh yes.
Yes yes yes!! I feel the same and my children are big. Our youngest is seventeen and motherhood is by far the biggest and hardest and loveliest part of my life. You are dear and tender and precious. God bless your sweet life.
Once again you found so beautiful words. Bravo! I cried when I first read the words on instagram, I cried again while reading this post and I can't believe it's been 6 month now. Happy 6 months to Anders and all the very best to you
Everything about this. I love it. I feel it. It's the intense vulnerability of being a mom which is so good, yet so hard. I love your blog and your beautiful kiddos!
oh I just found this post and my oh my the tears:)
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