I realized at some point in my motherhood journey that I wasn’t exactly the norm as far as mothers go. I’m not sure I’m the exception either, but I waver somewhere in the middle? I feel things so deeply. Sometimes I shake my head at myself because it’s, at times, too burdensome. My emotions feel so big and deep, I feel them so keenly. About two weeks after Anders was born, there I was lying in bed with him nursing when I had this thought, “One day I’m going to be arm in arm with this very child, dancing with him at his own wedding. And, maybe while I do that, I’ll be thinking back to this very moment when he was so tiny and new and dependent on me.” It gave me this enormous knot in my throat, and this swelling of emotion. It nearly took the wind out of me. Overwhelming sadness and happiness all at the same time. Sometimes, I regret, the sadness of it all trumps the rest. How lucky I am to be a mother, how lucky I am to watch them grow, how excruciatingly hard it is to do so. I feel like sometimes I’m holding onto them with these tight fists, onto each moment, replaying them at the end of the day with a heartbreaking sweetness. Will that ever go away? Will I ever listen to the songs I gave birth to without crying and aching for that newness of life being placed on my chest? Will I ever approach a birthday with only celebration and no mourning? Will I ever lose this urgent need to document every funny habit they’ve developed, every word they say improperly? Will I ever be able to let this precious stage of my life go? And how?
Motherhood, man.
(my birth playlist; it’s a good one.)
i feel ya. it's a heart-gripping, consuming fire of love, this motherhood gig.
You took the words right out of my mouth.
Your birth playlist really is a good one!
You said that all so perfectly and beautifuly. I was never prepared for the way love, happiness and sadness floods my whole being and I'm still struggling with it, because it is overwhelming. My husband really is looking forward to every birthday of his/our kids, he is so curious, how they will change during puberty and now, after leaving school – and I'm all "Slow down please, I'm not ready for this and probably never will". He always focus on things he/we can do, when they are older and not that dependent on us. I'm not sure whether it works for me too, still trying 😉
I hear you! I have a four month old (my first) and felt so SAD while I FaceTimed with my cousin and her newborn last weekend. My little guy was sitting in my lap and looking at that tiny, floppy little baby on the other side of the screen just killed me. It goes too fast.
I have this heartache as well; sometimes I feel like being a mother is almost too much and I can't bear the sadness of my children growing up. I've felt alone in these feelings, like you. <3
Oh Bridget, I'm there with you. Alice's first 6+ months? Basically the best-worst experience of my life as I celebrated and mourned every.damn.incredible.moment. It is invigorating and stifling and lots of other oxymoronic things too. But I wouldn't want it otherwise. I'm grateful to feel these things so deeply, because I know motherhood has made me an altogether better human being- more vulnerable, more keen to listen, more still and present. Motherhood has made me raw. It is terrifying and wonderful. And there I go with another oxymoron…
best/worst – i totally understand that. i love everything you said here.
Oh it's so deep, and I've never been so swept up in the tides and the currents before in my life! It's beautiful and I've never been more thankful to be a mum and to get to live it, truly life's greate gift. I swear it is a taste of heaven!
Have you read Operating Instructions by Anne Lamott? She does such a great job describing the emotions of the first years of her sons life, it was wonderful.
I have described myself as being drugged haha, mommy hormones are powerful things and oh so useful. Nature is perfect, mommy and baby in harmony.
So happy you shared, enjoy!!!
i have! love her.
You are not alone sweet friend….and I love your honesty. I am expecting my first bundle of joy in June and I get weepy and overwhelmed with those same feelings already {I know the hormones don't help!} and I can't imagine what I'll feel once I meet with little baby!
Yep. It regularly shocks me how deeply I now feel all the things, all the time. I was so much better at being a hard ass before I was a mom! The day our little girl was born, I just kept shaking my head and saying to my husband, "I can't believe I love her this much". I struggle with fear that easily overwhelms – fear that my life will outlast hers, fear that she will be irreversibly hurt by people in her life, fear that anything bad will ever happen to her. I just want everyone to love her and treasure her like I do. Oh, man, motherhood.
Exactly. Motherhood is without a doubt the deepest, DEEPEST love. Makes you feel like you're crazy. I couldn't have possibly expected how protective i'd be of my son, or how i'd have so much love it could make me cry in any given moment. Honestly, above all, I wish somebody had told me before I had him how much it physically hurts to think about and watch them grow!
so many tears, motherhood.
Oh Bridget. I hear you, and often feel the same way. But what helps me is knowing that there is beauty in every stage. I truly wouldn't trade my toddler for her as a baby now, because she is what she is, and nothing in life is unchanging. And I'd hate to look back and realize that I wasted precious time with her not embracing the moment, the positives in that age, and that phase of life. There is something so special about all of it. Hugs to you!
Everything you're feeling is natural…I would dare to say that every new mom goes through the very same experience, so you are not alone in that. Also, you'll never stop having those type of throat-tightning moments for your children…I still get super chocked up about silly things and my son is almost 7. Enjoy every wonderful moment, it's a blessing.
Best, Lisa
You're in my head! Just yesterday I was pushing my kids in swings at the park and thinking, "One day these kids will be my age and I will be my parents' age and I will think back to the days when they were young enough to need me to push them in the swings." Advance nostalgia is killer, man.
you and me – cut from the same mold! advance nostalgia!
I get this big time!! It is SO wonderful and SO hard! Sometimes I already feel jealous of my future daughter-in-law…now THAT seems messed up, right?!?! haha! *Please God, do not let me be one of those mothers in law!* 😉
ha. i have to say, i sort of hear you (and i just pray that she's someone i get along with!!!).
perfect post, your words are so true. sometimes I feel like my heart will just burst open.
Having just spent many days watching all the home videos I had converted to DVD, I can hardly believe that those teeny tiny kiddos are now 15 and 12. I miss their cute voices, the sweet expressions, their toddler clumsiness..pretty much everything. It all goes by so fast and before you know it, puberty sets in, homework is too hard for me to do and they don't need me quite like they did before. The days are long and the years are short; there's no truer statement. Enjoy these precious moments.