monday was like… 40 degrees? 45? which to us is balmy right now (that’s just sad), so upon seeing the forecast i knew we had to get outside that day. parker has been housebound for the better part of the past six weeks and it’s hard. it’s hard on him, it’s hard on me. but getting all of us out the door in twenty five degrees just for the sake of it sometimes feels a little bit like punishment and martyrdom mixed together. is it really that necessary? surely it can wait until march… so, 40 degrees? okay, let’s get ‘er done.
we’ve done it a few times this week, and by ourselves too (except sunday, when steve was home!). i’ll admit, it’s nice to sort of check that box: “okay. i can do it. i can be outnumbered and still get us to town and back in one piece and with clean diapers and hands and hopefully little to no tears.” i want some normalcy for parker. getting him back to the cafe where he sits across from me and picks out a yogurt while i have a latte, walking up the street to the library where we fill our book bag, and at least passing the playground we’re used to even though it’s way too cold to actually play on it right now. he’s been disciplined more than usual. how do you convey any sense of urgency to a three-year old? when you really need them to come to you right then and there to get dressed because you’ve just put the baby down to be hands free and said baby is now crying so sadly SO COME HERE NOW SO I CAN GET YOU DRESSED.
it’s a learning curve, for both of us. before i go to bed, i always go to check on parker, put my hand on his forehead, kiss his cheek. i can’t believe how big he is, i can’t believe the baby is all gone. i tell him that he’ll always be my baby. “but no! i’m a big bo!” he responds. i tell him every chance i get that i love him so much my heart could burst. he is doing so well, doing so much, having so much expected of him. he is still so small! but he’s also so big! he seems so different to me, just in the past few months. such a little person, with opinions and words and feelings. and anders? i was just face timing with my mom and telling her how i don’t get to spend an hour (or two, or three) every morning in bed just staring at him and taking him in quite the way i did with parker. it’s more, “okay baby is sleeping… quick, switch the laundry! let the dog out! get parker breakfast!” my mom is always trying to help ease my mom-guilt, told me anders is just fine, that i’m doing the best i can. which he is, which i am. but i need it too. it’s not just for him, i need that time with him! maybe more than he needs it from me.
so, we’re taking it day by day, feeling the weight of it, and the utter joy of it, all at once. figuring out how to make it all work, happy kids, happy home, happy husband and wife. i think the key here is to lower your expectations, but i’m not always good at that. i like to check things off my list, which is so not conducive to having a newborn. and at the very same time, i told steve last night while watching the bachelor with anders all folded up so contently and sweetly on me that i’d just like to sit, just like this, for the next six months or so. “you can handle things, right?” oh, wouldn’t that be nice! but life moves on, and and so we follow it one foot in front of the other. sometimes i look around and, like a soundtrack of my life (seriously, this happens a lot lately), i start playing 10,000 maniacs “these are days” in my head. because it’s true! these are the days–i’m not sure why natalie merchant left out the the in that sentence. but anyway, it’s so true it could make me cry. who am i kidding, it’s so true it does make me cry. god, this life is good.
would it be so entirely cheesy of me to close this rambling post with the song and lyrics? yes, yes it would! but i’m doing it! it’s just too poignant right now!
These are the days.
These are days you’ll remember.
Never before and never since, I promise, will the whole world be warm as this.
And as you feel it, you’ll know it’s true that you are blessed and lucky.
It’s true that you are touched by something that will grow and bloom in you.
These are days you’ll remember.
When May is rushing over you with desire to be part of the miracles you see in
Every hour.
Every hour.
You’ll know it’s true that you are blessed and lucky.
It’s true that you are touched by something that will grow and bloom in you.
These are days.
These are the days you might fill with laughter until you break.
These days you might feel a shaft of light make its way across your face.
And when you do you’ll know how it was meant to be.
See the signs and know their meaning.
It’s true, you’ll know how it was meant to be.
Hear the signs and know they’re speaking to you, to you.
parker’s jacket was sent to us by the kind people at joules and it is such a classic jacket. better in real life than even the pictures. fleece insides, a big furry hood, a great color, and a perfect fit. joules has such great things, this jacket is no exception!
I think many of us have a hard time rallying to get out in the cold when it is only ourselves that we need to care for. So to do it with not one but TWO babies? I applaud you, mama. Life is messy and difficult, and I love that you can look around and love every minute.
I remember when I had my one little guy it was hard for me to get out and once I did it was fine – so great that you're out & about already! seems like it was a success….. will be closely following coming up as my one little man will have a sibling this year and i'm simultaneously terrified and ecstatic!
also – where is your fab skirt/dress? from?! Love.
white plum, thank you! and congrats on your second!!
I love your photos! I'm glad it got warm enough to go outside. It was 50 degrees in Kentucky yesterday and I took my dogs on a nice, long walk. It's funny how 50 degrees feels warm during winter 🙂
xx
Jenny // Mish Mosh Makeup
You're doing it, Bridget and you're doing it good and the best way you know how! That's all we can do, right?! That Parker just looks so much older all of a sudden too but boy he is just as cute as ever! Taking care of 2 little ones and both of their needs is a learning process but you know what, at the end of the day when you're saying your I love you's before bed and they are all tucked in and happy, that's what matters and what makes a happy home….love and to know that mama is always going to be there whether it was a good day or not!
amen, liz!!!
Lovely photos! Such sweet little ones you have. I admire you for turning a frenzied situation into a happy one. You are cultivating a beautiful garden of a family!
Circus & Bloom
I totally know how you feel! I only have one but I have those mom guilt feelings too. It's a weird juxtaposition between wanting to lay and snuggle with my baby forever and at the same time wanting to keep the house in order. I hate falling behind on laundry and dishes and hate when the house is messy but, at the same time, my baby will only be a baby for so long. I want to be present in every moment with her but find it hard to sometimes which is where the guilt comes in. I hate the guilt but, at the same time, I know it's a result of loving her so completely, so unconditionally, that I can't help but feel these feelings.
i could've written this comment, emily! it's like i WISH i were content with the growing mess around me while i sit and stare at my baby… but i just want to keep things in order AND stare at the baby all day long.
Love this post! currently listening to 10,000 maniacs on spotify for grading finals 🙂
It's as if you crawled into my head…my oldest boy is 4 (Dylan) and younger bro is 15 months (Gray). For the first time since we welcomed Gray, Dylan and I went on a 4 HOUR! date yesterday. I seriously never thought it would happen but it did and it was magical. You'll get back to that spot and someday date Parker and know Anders is fine at home. Until then, ask your library about playaways and buy some cute kids animal headphones (saved me last winter) for P to use while you need to keep him still for a moment. XO
Oh my word – this song – I LOVE Natalie Merchant. 🙂 I too have struggled with the "second baby isn't the same as the first" thing. It's hard to realize that the way it is with the first baby, those magical hours upon hours of just one on one time just isn't the same with the second.
i need lower expectations. always.
so glad things are going along swimmingly for you all. parker is just the bomb. . but we all knew that already. 😉
XO