I’m really, really excited to meet this baby. I’m visualizing that moment when you’ve just had your last push and you reach down to grab your slippery baby and your heart is instantaneously ten times bigger and I am so excited to do it again.
But my biggest mental roadblock is the question of how Parker will do with this transition. I think it’s safe to say that the transition will be biggest for him, more than any of us. Maybe bigger than even my own? He and I have spent nearly every day of the last three-plus years together. I’m excited to give him another sibling–my own sisters are some of the greatest gifts my parents gave me–and also scared to do so. He’ll barely remember life before a little brother, right? But I know there’ll be growing pains. He’s a sensitive boy, and I’m a sensitive Mom, the growing pains will be real.
So, asking you more well-seasonsed Moms: how can I ease this transition? Is it wise to have him meet the baby in the hospital or better to do so at home? I know the baby shouldn’t be in my arms when he sees him for the first time, but what else? I’ve heard it’s nice to have a little gift from the baby to the big sibling. Throughout this pregnancy, I’ve kept discussing the baby pretty light. Calling the baby “our baby” and telling him all the things he’ll get to teach the baby one day, or how the baby will love to watch him play. There are times where he’s so tender like putting his hand on my belly to feel the baby move, but other times when he seems so disinterested. I figure this is normal. I’d love to continue little dates with just Parker and I but I know that won’t happen right away. I’m all over the place. So, here’s where I ask, any tried and true tips??? I would love to have them in my arsenal for a few weeks (days?!) from now!
Thank you!
My daughter had just turned 2 when my second daughter was born. For us, the hardest part of the adjustment period came when life returned to normal. The hospital meeting went fine and even the first few days home. However, whenever the grandparents left and dad went back to work and our life went back to "normal" that is when my oldest daughter really seemed to realize the baby was staying and taking up a lot of mom's attention. She did not like that ha! The things that helped me where 1) some of the blog posts from Erstwhiledear about feeling a teensy bit resentful of the new baby who you don't have much of a relationship with for taking you away from your older child who you have a much stronger relationship with. It was helpful just to know that it is ok to feel that way. 2) I read Siblings Without Rivalry. One thing I got from there was just validating my oldest child's feelings even if I couldn't give her what she wanted. For example, in the first 4-8 weeks of having the new baby around, my oldest would start crying or need me as soon as the baby started crying. Then, I'm stuck trying to figure out who to attend to and working through all of the emotions that is 2 needy kids to 1 mom ratio. It was helpful if I just acknowledged what my oldest wanted even if I couldn't do it because I was nursing the baby. I'd say "you wish I could hold you right now?" or "you wish mommy could play with you instead of feed the baby" etc. A lot of times this helped my oldest to calm down. 3) Really trying to establish a bond between them early on. I read that also in the book. I'd say things to my oldest all the time about how much her sister loved her or loved watching her play etc. Also, when I would make cooing noises to the baby while my oldest was around I wouldn't just say things about the baby like "you're so cute" or whatever you say to babies ha, but I would say things about my oldest daughter like "your big sister is so great to you" or "your big sister loves you so much" to try to include my oldest in while still giving the baby attention. From my experience, the first few weeks are tough, but it gets so much easier really quickly. Give yourself time. The hormones will adjust and you will find a balance.
Yes. I can totally see the normalcy setting in, the wonder if it all wearing off, and that's when the going gets rough! I'm all about validation even if things can't be changed – so I'm glad to hear that worked for your oldest. Definitely will be trying that. And the hormones–oh the hormones! Hoping they adjust quickly. I was so weepy after Parker.
I have 3 and they've all done pretty well when we've added a new baby. We always brought them to the hospital to meet the baby. They usually don't do super well. There's so much other stuff to see and mama is on a weird bed, they just don't handle it very well. Bring snacks! Lots of snacks! We always make a big deal about new babies. Talking about the baby and where the baby will sleep and the baby's new toys and how they used to be their toys and books the baby might like to read. Just give it time. He'll do great!
Snacks! Done. I may do it at home– now that I'm visualizing the hospital setting, I think I'd be scared as a three year old too!
My kids are all 21 months apart. When our youngest was born, my oldest (both boys) was about 3 1/2. My oldest did GREAT at the hospital with our youngest. He wanted to hold the baby and I got a hug and everything.
We brought my older daughter to the hospital to meet our second daughter and it was wildly successful. We sent the baby to the nursery so she wasn't even in the room when our older daughter arrived and then ordered room service and had a little picnic with the three of us on my bed (and my daughter loved making the bed go up and down). Finally, my husband and daughter went to the nursery to bring back the baby together and my older daughter was SO thrilled to bring her in and show her to me. It was like the whole baby was her idea 🙂
Good luck! It's going to be amazing.
Oh that picnic idea! I love that Janssen.
My son was 2 years and 2 months when we welcomed our daughter in October. We bought him a baby doll and talked about how there was a baby in my belly/all the things he should expect from baby when it came out. When the day came, my mom brought him to the hospital and we brought him back first, by himself, to meet her. He held her and has been smitten since (even went so far as to tell a 1-year-old in our small group who was checking her out that "that's MY Edith!"
So basically just talking a TON about baby, what will happen (you will not be home for a few days I'm assuming? So you and Daddy will be gone and come home with his brother), what to expect.. kids are a lot sharper than we realize! Good luck!
They are so much sharper (and more resilient) than we do give them credit for. Must remember that. Thank you!
My advice is don't have him come to the hospital to meet the baby. My oldest was 20 months when my second was born and the hospital was way too overwhelming. I was dying to see him but in hindsight it was too much for him to handle. All of the people, surroundings, and noises of the machines really scared him. He didn't even want to come near me- I think seeing me in the hospital bed confused him and made him upset. I would much rather have come home and had him meet the baby in an environment where he was totally comfortable and felt safe. When we did come home, he was happy to meet the baby. The hospital was just too difficult for him to understand.
I'm thinking more along those lines now. Especially since Parker's had stitches already, he is especially nervous around doctors/hospitals. Home might be the best option!
I have two boys 22mos apart, and I'm due with my third (boy or girl – we don't know!) in February, and I remember being overwhelmed emotionally about the whole thing, but it ended up being pretty painless, aside from the whole lack of sleep, etc. I got some great tips from the L&D nurses – 1) try to plan some one on one time with your oldest, even if it's just cuddling and watching a show alone the two of you, or a quick trip for some munchkins, something special and just the two of you 2) when baby is crying, and you are occupied with parker say things like "i hear you crying baby, i will be with you in a minute, right now it's parker's turn" etc etc – so he feels like his needs are just as important 3) anyone that comes and visits give them some primer to go to parker and ask him about the baby first and play up how awesome and important his new job is….We tried to do some or all of these for the first few weeks, who knows how much it helped. But now the boys are 22mos & 3.5 and are buds to the max and I worry now about bringing #3 into the mix, but I feel confident that these guys will have each other throughout it all, even though my soon-to-be middle child is a mama's boy at the moment. Good luck! The first few weeks will be a blur, be kind to yourself!
I love those tips. Thank you so much.
My oldest was 2 1/2 when my youngest was born. We did not have him come to the hospital, and we set his expectations that I'd be coming home with his baby brother in a couple days. His new baby also did come with a gift (a box of matchbox cars), which went over very well. When we got home, he wanted to show the baby his room, all his toys, read him books…it was awesome.
It'll be fine. Talk to him about everything, set his expectations as much as you can, be patient if he gets frustrated at times, and it'll be all good.
Good luck and happy Thanksgiving!
This sums up pretty much everything I wanted to say.
Thank you – both of you!
Don't over think it! I had the same emotions when I was going form 1 to 2. I am a stay at home Mom too and was terrified at how having a new baby would be life changing for my sweet little boy who was so use to having me all to himself. Let Parker set the pace for developing a new relationship with his brother; don't push any aspect of it. They will become bestfriends; no doubt, but it will be a better transition if it is done on his own terms. And your relationship will be different with your new babe than it was the first time around; not in a bad way, but different. You won't be a first time Mom and you will have another little boy; you will do things differently. And babies are a lot easier when you have experience on your side; I am sure you will find you have more time to give to Parker than you would have thought going off when Parker was a baby; at least I did. I was so sure I wouldn't have anytime for my toddler when I brought our new baby home, but that wasn't realistic; I had to figure out a way to do both. You will learn how to make the most of all your time and to carve out what each of you require. Remember he is going to be a big brother; that is an incredible job, hype that up for him! We all feel important if we have an important job! And Parker has siblings that are older; older than when he was a new babe, let them help especailly with Parker! They will be such a great help! Most of all enjoy; there is nothing like having a new baby in your home! It will be such a great experience for everyone; including a little boy that is senstive. So excited for you!!!
Let Parker set the pace for developing a new relationship with his brother; don't push any aspect of it.
That makes SO much sense.
Thank you!
I know your feelings as I had them too but just know that you will be so surprised at how well Parker will do with the transition, he really will and so will you! It's scary to think of the unknown, I know. I'm so excited for you guys and I can't wait to read when you write that you can't believe you even worried about such things! 🙂 And I haven't read the other comments but in my opinion and experience I say that yes, you should most definetly let Parker meet the new baby at the hospital….it's the sweetest moment and he will feel more like he's a part of everything than waiting till you and the baby come home! Hugs, sweet mama! Thinking about you during this transition as it's all the emotions wrapped into one but the emotions you will get when your boys meet for the first time will erase all the worrisome ones your having now! xxxx
First, don't worry about it. Each child is so different that the best advice is allow Parker to determine and establish his own relationship with the baby. Don't force him to interact with the baby as this will just make him resent the new one and you. Let Parker establish the relationship on his own terms and not yours. We took our oldest to the hospital when her little sister was born. She was excited and called her a puppy for two weeks. When our third girl was born, our second one ignored her for about three months. The only time her little sister existed in her world was when someone was taking pictures. She would cuddle and love on her sister so she could be in the picture, and the minute picture time was over, she would walk away. We couldn't even get her to say her name. As hard as it was, I never said anything or forced her to interact with the baby. I would ask her to get diapers, etc., and she would tell me "No, we don't have diapers in the house." Instead of forcing her, I would just get the item myself. One day, she started playing with her and talking to her and they have been best friends ever since.
I just really really think it will be a non-issue. I worried about it when I had my second but there were just no problems. And when people came to meet the new baby the big kid totally just thought they were coming to play with him and a lot of them brought gifts for the big kid too – might have been the best time of his life.
The only advice I can think of is that reading to the big kid while breastfeeding the baby was pretty doable and kept everyone happy.
Ha! I'm totally reading these too! Reading while bf'ing. Genius. 🙂
I didn't read through all those comments, but Levi was two months shy of turning three, and just like you I was with him every day for almost 3 years. It was just us. I cried a lot during my pregnancy as if I was grieving our alone time. I know it sounds weird. But, as I started pulling out the baby things, clothes, swings, etc Levi really understood that those were baby's things. Other than that, I don't think he knew a real life baby was about to join us. I wanted Levi to be the first to meet Lily before my other family did. It was really important to me that our family of four was together before anyone else. That being said, it was a perfect moment-just us four before the whole family swooped in. But it was harder saying goodbye to him, and he was really upset when he had to leave me. So now thinking about it, that moment of four could be just as special and maybe less hard for Parker, at home. We did a gift too, but the overwhelming moment of brother meeting baby, kind of makes the gift not so special-in my opinion.
Transition wise, besides reading tons of book and talking about what was going to happen, my super chill, laid back almost 3 year old had a really rough time. He cried, screamed, demanded I take the baby away, he even tried to hit, throw things at her. Which had me devastated, because this was so unlike him. I just recommend having a lot of support at home which I didn't have much of. My hubby had no time to take off from work. Either way, Levi bounced back after about 2 weeks. He started just staring at her, then finally asked to hold her, and then I was able to leave them alone in a room. It was a process, but just including him a lot really helped. And follow his cues, because sometimes Levi just didn't want to keep talking about the baby. Lily is 4 months now, and he makes her laugh, he holds her, helps with feedings, diapers etc. He checks on her in the moses crib in our room and says, "Shhhh, baby seeping", and covers her up, pats her back and says, "seep tight baby girl." The difference is night and day.
I never expected Levi to have a hard time at first, but he bounced back fairly quickly. He adores her now, and loves to tell me when she burps, laughs, smiles, etc.
Good luck! Once the new babe is here, from my experience, everything just felt so natural. My fears of loving Lily as much as Levi diminished as soon as I pulled her out. I didn't "miss" alone time with Levi-instead of made new time with him. It all will work out, and be perfect!
🙂
Transitions! This comment is a good one for me to read so I know that even if it's not going well at first… that doesn't mean it's that way to stay!
Thank you!
Right after I had my second I really missed all my one on one time that I once had with my first. Everyone was so great at entertaining him while I nursed the baby and what not but I definitely found it helpful (for myself and him) if I made time for just us two. Of course I was still recovering from childbirth so what that meant for me was that we had lots of snuggling on the couch while reading books or watching a cartoon. I was probably totally hormonal having just had a baby, but I really needed that snuggly one on one contact with him.
My boys are 7, 5 and 20 months. Two main things jumped to mind about the transitions. First, I reminded the boys often that I loved them even more now with a new baby. Before the baby, I loved Drew as Drew, my first baby and little boy. After the baby I loved him as all those things and as a big brother. It was just that much more love because I'd never seen him use gentle hands or make his brother smile and seeing him be a big brother was just one more thing to love about him.
Second, there will be some hard days for all of you. Assume the best of your little one. If he doesn't help or he's uninterested in the baby, assume that he's very interested in something else. If his helping isn't helping at all or he's being rough or loud, assume that he's trying his best and gently help him. He'll feel you seeing the best in him and feel the love that comes with that.
You've got some good tips there.
I think: don't over-think or over-feel it (tough!). Kids are way more resilient than we give them credit for. Even the worst reactions wear off and they adjust so quickly. You will have moments where you wonder if you've ruined their life, their sense of self and security etc. You haven't! You have given him a gift that he doesn't understand yet 🙂
Practically: lots of one-on-one time with Dad and siblings helps. We did things like a big purchase of a play kitchen or a new bike etc, something that they want to do all.the.time. don't force him to do anything with or near the baby unless he wants to. Just follow his cues of how he wants to relate to the new brother. I think it helps to take the baby with you everywhere as much as possible, as it sends a consistent message that he is here to stay. Baby sleeps in the rocker beside us at dinner, he is on the floor playing with us etc. Of course, if Parker is really losing it and just needs mum then it makes sense to give him that time. But the rest of the time, set the new 'normal' as quickly as possible and he will adjust better and quicker than you fear.
And vice versa works too: he will take his cues from you. I think when we overplay the situation, that's often when kids lose it. We set up this big fake excitement scenario, expecting a three year old to understand why a new soul in the world is a big deal. We want them to feel what we're feeling and they just don't. If we accept that to them, a baby is not a big deal, and treat it as such, they will follow suit. The baby doesn't mean much to most kids, it's the change in their own life that sets them off.
Good luck – you will do just great!
Not over acting or over feeling it – that's good advice (I can tend to do both of those things!).
My three year old did great — even though he was Very attached!! It was my 5 year old who had a harder time — my absolute saving grace was to pray out loud during the first difficult weak at home–he recently confessed he is glad to know the baby is fun! 🙂
Well, I was holding my new baby in my arms when my oldest walked in. It was because of a miscommunication with my husband about when he was coming and I was so mad at him for letting that happen. But it all turned out fine. She wasn't scarred for life. So if that does happen, it won't be the end of the world!
Have loooooowwww expectations for the first meeting between siblings. It's easy to see blog posts and pictures that make it seem like the most magical moment. Before my two kids met, I had just read Grace Patton's post about her kids meeting Theo for the first time and it made me laugh and gave me a realistic view of what to expect. I was so glad I didn't feel pressure to get some incredible photographs or have this memorable bonding moment. If that happens, great! If not, it's no big deal.
I think every mother worries about how to share the love between her current child and the new baby. Somehow, you just have enough for both! There are definitely times I felt annoyed by my oldest or frustrated with my youngest, but over all, I was so in love with both.
I tried to make sure my oldest didn't feel overlooked when people visited us. It's natural for people to gush over the new baby and bring gifts for him. While you can't require people to bring a gift for your oldest as well, I always appreciated when they did. And I would try to draw attention to my oldest, saying things like, "She is such a good big sister!" or "Look what she made today!"
When I had my second, I was unprepared for how much I would miss having time alone with my first. It felt like the new baby was nursing around the clock and sometimes I would sit there nursing him and just wish I could be spending quality one-on-one time with my daughter without another child permanently attached to my chest. I tried to spend alone time with my oldest as much as I could… putting her to bed, reading stories, etc.
I'd also say to expect there to be some sort of regression with your oldest, whether it be with potty training, sleep schedules, tantrums, etc. With my daughter, she began crying a lot at bedtime and needing a lot more attention then than she had before. It lasted a few weeks or so. Try to be patient with your oldest. It's hard when you're so tired and you are expecting a certain level of good behavior out of your oldest. When they don't cooperate and suddenly become more needy, it can be frustrating.
I'm expecting my third child in the spring and I'm sure I'll have some new experiences to negotiate then. My oldest is Parker's age so it will be interesting to see how it is different with a somewhat older child.
Give Parker a present and tell him it's from the baby that works really well
That was my biggest worry as well. I had a straight up panic attack on the way to the hospital when having my second baby, and it had nothing to do with labor. All about how was my first going to react to this? We didn't bring him to the hospital, and I didn't do that when I had my third, and we aren't planning on it for this fourth baby either. We did do the whole gift thing "from the new baby" each time and that seemed to help. But the biggest thing I found that helped the transition was to include them in everything! Just asking them to help hold the wipes during diaper changes, or grabbing the baby a new onesie, or sitting and having a snack with the baby when I nursed. Making it an over the top helping extravaganza all the time. That seemed to ease their jealousy and give them more responsibility over the baby too. It wasn't always sunshine and rainbows, but you will do great. And Parker will love having a little brother!
my son is a super sensitive boy as well. When my daughter arrived he was 3 1/2 and he wanted to help so much. I had him help me give her her first bath and he would get diapers and things like that. It was super helpful having family here for the first two weeks. I had a hard time having people take care of him and missing out on things with him while I was glued to the chair nursing the baby. It got better as time went on and I was able to do more with him. We'd read and do puzzles while she ate and when she napped I tried to do things with him and give him a little extra attention. I hope it all goes smoothly and he surprises you with a super smooth transition.
One other thing: a lot of people do the "help out with the first bath" thing. It's been an epic fail for us, as my babies s-c-r-e-a-m through their first bath, and then the next 2 or 3 after that before realising they like it. My oldest child freaked out big time. It must work for other people, but never has for us.
I have four boys all about 18 months apart, so I find it hard to remember a time that we haven't been adding a new baby to the mix. Really the best plan for us was to not have a plan and kind of go on with life as if the new baby was always part of our family. I think we maybe we lucked out with smooth transitions and everyone getting along? If Parker wants to help out with the baby, let him! If he ignores the baby for awhile, that's okay too. He will eventually warm up to the new addition. Try not to stress about it too much! You'll find a new routine and rhythm. Good luck mama!
I've never heard of not having the baby in your arms when the sibling meets him. That seems unnatural to me, I'm sorry. Go with your gut. I can't imagine you being able to not have parker come see the new baby. You'll be way too excited! Just let him come for a few minutes. Those moments are my total favorites! (I have 4 kids). But then send them on their merry way and go back to taking care of yourself and baby.
We had a baby 2 months ago, right before my daughter turned 3. We had a birthday party for the little baby, but of course it was more for my daughter. 🙂 At first we planned to do it with only the four of us, but we ended up doing it when my parents and sisters were over. We sang happy birthday and our daughter got to help her brother blow out the candles. She also got a present from her brother. It was a really fun way to celebrate, and our daughter loved the special party. And the cake. 🙂
Mine are three years apart and I didn't think too much about it, I just had these visions of them playing together and being so close. The first two weeks after baby #2 was born I cried every single day thinking that I had ruined my family and that I missed spending time with my oldest so much. What really helped for us was having daddy spend a lot of one on one time with the oldest, getting her out of the house so she wasn't trapped with us in our housebound round-the-clock nursing frenzy. After three years of being an attached-at-the-hip mama's girl, she really developed a strong bond with her dad and that was beautiful to watch.
The other thing I noticed was that the oldest had absolutely zero interest in the new baby, so I didn't push it at all. They basically lived on different planets for almost two years. Especially when the oldest started preschool, she had her own thing going on and wasn't interested in helping with the baby. Now they are 2.5 and 5.5 and they love each other SOOOOO much and are super close. I'd say if at first things aren't what you had imagined them to be, they will get better! And it may take 2 or more years to get there.
Now we're due with baby #3 and I'm anticipating that transition, I felt like I had a handle on the parenting thing the first time around and #2 completely threw me, so we'll see what the next round has in store for us.
I'm a little late to the game in reading this post and commenting, but fwiw and all that…
We added baby #2 back in May. The first two weeks I think I cried every night when both kids were finally asleep. Then again, my husband's job situation wasn't good and he didn't get paternity leave and I was basically on my own with them from day 1 home from the hospital. It got easier! By one month I felt like, okay, I see how people can do this two kids thing and survive. Nowadays it's like, hasn't it always been this way?
In the moments of calm you will feel like, "I've got this!" and in the moments of chaos you will probably feel like," how can anyone do this?!" At least, that's how it was for me. But gradually the moments of calm are more and more frequent.
My 2 year old loved the baby for the most part — I'm sure that helped! She took out her adjustment issues on me and other adults primarily and not on the new addition, hah!
MagnaTiles are a GREAT GREAT GREAT toy, especially for as young as 2-3 year olds!
For the first few weeks I try to never say "no" to them holding the baby, which works well when they're that little because you know if they are sleeping, moving them around is not going to interrupt precious sleep time. I feel like it solidifies that the baby is all of ours, who knows if it actually works?? 🙂