I suffer from Mom-guilt. And sometimes, a lot of the time, I’m really not a great Mom so there’s a lot of guilt, so on and so forth. I hate myself when I’m not content to just sit, when I get Parker happily distracted with a puzzle only to take that as my cue to quickly escape and get some work done, check my email one more time. I hate when instead of having a conversation with Lindsey, I’m looking at my phone. I hate it while I’m doing it and yet that’s often not enough to make me put it down. I hate the draw of social media and that I care. I hate that, as soon as I feel the guilt, I find a way to justify it. I hate that these things trump simply watching Parker play. Even if he’s content to play by himself does that mean I should take that as my opportunity to go do something else nearly every time? What about sitting and watching him play and delighting in that alone? The thing about being a Mom is I feel fairly busy all the time and yet at the end of the day when I look at what I got done, it doesn’t look like much. We all crave productivity but it’s almost an enemy. Do I want my kids to look back and think, “My Mom was so productive” or “My Mom played with me and listened to me a lot.”
The days where I’m just on as a Mom, I’m patient and I say no to the rest of the world and say yes to my kids are the very best days. I go to bed so fulfilled on those days–way more than the days when I managed to empty my inbox and write a post–so why don’t I strive to have those days more often? In ten years, will I remember the emails I answered? The post I wrote while Parker was watching Daniel Tiger? The instagrams I “liked” while Lindsey was trying to talk to me about what she did at her friend’s house? I know there’s a benefit to kids playing alone, entertaining themselves, watching their parents be productive. But our attention is too divided. At least mine is. I’m sick of it. I remember when Parker was really little, I didn’t have an iPhone. He was about six months old when I got one (truth be told, I miss those non iPhone days). And yet I can recall lying in bed with him for what felt like hours (in reality it was probably one or two) just looking at him, watching him kick his legs, I’d pull the sheet up over our heads, and watch his eyes take it all in, squeeze his chubby joints (like this, oh memory lane, you wicked thing.). I used to be better at being present. What changed? Is there not enough balance in my life? Do I need to get out more so I’m better when here? Do I need to just put it into practice more until it feels second nature? I know myself. I know that I’ll be full of regrets if I don’t get my priorities straight and keep them there. There’s way too much at stake. I look through pictures at how much the kids have changed even in the last year and it’s astonishing. I don’t want to miss a thing.
(These pictures have little to do with this post. Just a morning I did my best to not be distracted and to just craft. We did that for awhile. But, complete with pictures which brings me to another point: if I don’t get pictures of something does it mean it didn’t happen? NO. Though… I really, really love having the pictures.)
Yes. Yes. Yes.
I love your pictures. And, for what it's worth, ten years from now I think you'll love having these posts to look back on
You have 5 children and a blog business. You're doing a LOT and you're doing the best you can. I say high five! Kudos to you! (Although I imagine I'll be in the exact same place one day).
So you're totally living in my brain on this one. It's hard to make it all work, but you're so right that at the end of the day the desire is to be a better mom. To be a woman who loves so completely that everything else just pales in comparison!
it's so hard to find balance. keep in mind, there is something to be said for an independent child who can play on his own without his mama helping along with every step. that is a good thing! that being said, i hear you completely!
http://semiweeklyeats.blogspot.com/2014/01/fake-out-matzoh-ball-soup.html
Oh.my.goodness.
It's as if you took the words right out of head and posted them on here.
I know exactly what you mean and I struggle with the exact same thing.
And lately, I'm feeling like something's gotta give.
From time to time i'll pull away from social media and/or stop blogging for a few weeks, just because it's a time-sucker. And days of little to no social media involvement feel so good. So old school. So refreshing.
And yes, those days when I do my best to shut the world out and focus on my daughter (even if it does mean just staring at her while she plays) make me feel very fulfilled.
I think it's great that we moms feel this way. It means we still care.
And yes, we should do something about it while they're still young.
Great great post. Loved it!
Story of my life, Bridget. Love the comment "will my child look back and say 'my mom was so productive'." Sometimes I feel like such a jerk. Thanks so much for writing this and making me think twice (three times and more) about my actions.
I couldn't agree more….its a constant struggle to find balance. Thanks for sharing <3
You stole the words right out of my heart, as I've been struggling with the very same thing. I just finished filling out my twins (youngest) paperwork for kindergarten. How did it go so fast? I feel like i don't ever just enjoy them like I should and here I am getting ready to send them off to school. I hate my phone. I wish we could all rewind them when everyone wasn't glued to their phones and snapped pics of every little thing. I'm sure there is a way to balance it all but I don't know how. And it makes me sick some days with guilt. Maybe we do a technology free time everyday? A support group if you will since it seems everyone struggles with the same thing. I know i would be right on board!
time is a wicked thing! i like the technology free time every day (and then sundays — maybe all day!).
i genuinely appreciate the raw vulnerability it took to write this post. i am too ashamed to say your words out loud and truth be told, it's my reality, too. i think some seasons we are better at balancing than others. i have deleted the social media folder on my iPhone more times than i can count- thinking that would prevent me from using playtime to sneak looks at instagram. the apps always seem to make their way back in an embarrassingly short amount of time.
thanks for the reality check.
"if I don't get pictures of something does it mean it didn't happen? NO." <- this is my greatest struggle. Missing the moment, or maybe not missing it, but not being fully present because I'm also worried about capturing it so I'll remember it… SO hard to find a balance… especially when I feel like life is flying by and she is changing every single day… I loved this post. Thanks for sharing 🙂
This post is one of many reasons I really adore your blog and I'm really grateful and happy you got some time to write things like that – and I wish I would find a way to really express the way you inspire me with your words and thoughts, so for me your blogpost are never useless or timesuckers. Thank you so much for sharing!
For the new year (what a clish̩) I challenged myself to cut of the internet of my Iphone in the evenings so I can spend time with the kids and my husband without checking emails or any other social medias РI felt so bad during the first days, but now it feels really good and I got the impression that I enjoy using the internet much more now, without the guilt thing pending over my head.
I wish you all the best for finding a way that really suits you.
thank you so much for this kind comment!
wonderfully stated. you are amazing. don't ever forget that and don't hold yourself to an impossible standard. you are a fabulous mom and being fabulous doesn't ever mean being perfect. so much imperfection goes into making life beautiful.
i was feeling this very strongly, so i got rid of my iphone in exchange for a non smartphone a few months ago. it has a facebook app that works alright, but i am WAY more attentive to my mister because of it, and i am a more patient mom. i know that is not the solution for everyone, but i couldn't make and enforce my own boundaries with my phone. it had to go and i don't regret it.
I can't even really put into words how much I needed this post right now….mainly to just read that someone else struggles and has the same feelings as I do when it comes to mom guilt. And the main reason for my mom guilt is social media and even typing that out brings tears to me eyes because really, social media plays that much of a role in my life that I feel mom guilt about it?? Sad is what I say to that. What am I going to miss if I don't check my email, blogs, fb and ig all the damn time….nothing….but when I am checking them I am missing what is most important to me and that is my family. Thank You for this post, Thank You for being real and honest and Thank You for being you! You are a great mom….just sayin!!! xoxo
thank you liz. there are a lot of us struggling with this! it is sad!
Yesss…. And the dino shirt. Love.
~ Country Girl's Daybook, recently posted: #whywemarch http://bit.ly/1aEsJk2
Yes! A thousand times yes!
I hear you! I feel the same way between trying to balance it all (including my cravings for social interaction) and trying to let all those things fly so I can be in the moment. And the picture thing? I hear that too. I want proof of every moment. I want to be certain I don't forget and pictures do that for me, but it does take me out of the moment.
From a goofy attempt at artistic analysis, the first picture where the stuff is in the foreground and Parker is out of focus followed by the one where he is in focus…totally goes with the post's message 🙂
ha, i love that artistic analysis!
it is something that i am battling with as well… i hate it also. for most of jacob's life (he's 15 now, almost 16), this battle didn't even exist. knowing what it (i) was like before, makes it that much harder.
just this morning (as i scrolled through ig/fb… as hailey was walking in and out- getting ready for school… as the guilt was heavily on me, but i had my "reasons" {excuses}), i realized that i need to go back to waking up early… doing my 'online check-ins', & then turning it off… so i can be present when they wake up. this seems to work best for me. i do not want them to remember me as "my mom was ALWAYS on her computer/phone". here's to making a few changes, while staying connected/inspired online (in moderation)! xo
You DO need to get out more. And so do I.
I so often "fall out" of "right here and right now" and look for an escape in anything else (social media, daydreaming, etc), but my babies. I keep hating myself for it. But then I try to analyze the situation and i clearly see that there is no way for me to be an engaging, content mother I wanna be without having any "me" time. I still consider myself very productive, but I know I have a potential for so much more. But i cannot possible realize that potential without being "my own" person, beside being a mother and a wife.
just made plans for a girl's night!!
yessss. we all need to get out, hit the refresh, and get back at it once we're home. so hard to do though!
I just planned something even bigger than a night out. Huge, actually. I just booked a three-day Mexico getaway. Wanna come along? 😉
I think this is something that all of us struggle with, especially us bloggers. There's a fine line between wanting to preserve our family memories (through photography and blogging) and actually being present in our family. And the iPhone! Don't even get me started.
Yes. Everyday. I vowed to be more present this year and I think I am, but not to the best of my ability. I say this as my youngest is watching a show on the iPad ha! When naptime is used for eating lunch, cleaning up the messy house, folding laundry and putting away dishes I justify him watching something on the iPad while I get a little break and check blogs, email and IG. But why isn't it enough to at the very least sit there with him and watch WITH him? iPhones are ruining us and we dont even know how to stop it (myself included). Gah! Great post my friend.
I think the fact that you can be the self evaluating and see what you want to be as a mom is so empowering and awesome. Knowing your goal is important but I can tell by the love you pour into this blog and the words you write about your children that you are a wonderful mother. Keep inspiring mother and non-mothers alike 🙂
thank you katie 🙂
guilt is a fantastic/awful right of passage in motherhood. I'm 24 (almost 25?!) years in and am constantly second guessing and wondering and worrying and…i say you're doing it right if you are feeling guilty. i haven't met a smug momma that i like <3
it's true – my cousin (laura, in fact!) said 'a guilty mom is a sign of a good mom' — so there's that!
Time to stop the "good mom"/"bad mom" script! Of course we all relate. As a mom of four young kids, I have thought about this a lot. I've decided I refuse to call myself a "good mom" when my kids eat healthy foods, or when I help them practice piano for 5 days in a row, or when I do a craft with them, and I refuse to call myself a "bad mom" when I ignore them all afternoon or lose my temper or this or that. Instead, I'm naming moments. There are good moments and bad moments in parenting, in life, in marriage, in everything. It's a lot healthier of an inner-script. Here's my good friend's blog post on the subject:
http://www.joshweed.com/2013/11/are-you-good-mom.html
mel, you're right you're right. as i read this it makes so much sense but it is so hard to get out of the practice of good mom/bad mom. my sisters and mom tell me my mom-guilt is on overdrive. in fact my mom read this post and said 'wish you'd stop being so hard on yourself!' — so, learning this would be especially good for me to do! thanks for sharing. i liked that post too (the lunch boxes/costco bit was very funny.)
Continuing my above thought I meant to add: I'm just a good mom. Period. It's not attached to what I did today or what I'll do tomorrow. It's attached to the fact that I am an imperfect person who adores my children and finds joy being their mom. Same with you. You are clearly a good mom, too.
Mel, this is SO spot on. I'm really proud of you (even though I don't know you) for taking care of yourself this way. You have totally inspired me to change my script.
Yes!
Ugh, I can relate. I put limits on myself this year. Texting to friends only on Mondays and Fridays. Responding to emails Tuesdays and Thursdays. I'm not perfect, but it's a start. It's addicting.
I think that we all (as moms) deal with this on so many levels. Both of my kids are at school all day now and I find it hard to let myself sit and read, something that I should be able to do now! It's almost as if I have to be up and productive or I haven't accomplished anything, when in fact that's just not true. Lately I've been making more time for me and time unplugged with the kids, after school and on the weekends. You'll find a balance, it's possible! Nothing wrong with taking time for yourself, but also making time to just be present with the kids.
Hi
My Mom worked full time when I was growing up (and I am an only child, so learning to entertain myself was key), and never resented her for it. Even when she had to work late, or go on week long business trips. I'm really proud of her for all that she has accomplished. I felt very loved, and that's really what mattered to me. I've never felt like she was absent, or didn't have her priorities straight… I hope this helps settle your worries. xo
my mom worked full time too! and you're right, i never resented her for it (though i realize how hard that must've been now that i'm a parent myself).
thank you grace.
I adore this post! I have been having that internal struggle of divided attention, especially when it comes to my phone and social media. Is it so important that I check it so often? Why am I so drawn to picking it up and scrolling through mindlessly? I have no idea. I catch myself and remind myself to be present with my son. Thank you for voicing what so many of us struggle with! It's not always easy for me to say "I have a problem with being on my phone too much" but I do!
This line will really stay with me: "We all crave productivity but it's almost an enemy." How true. I nodded my head reading this post, even though I don't have kids. Sometimes I just feel like I'll be more present if I empty my inbox and check off my to-do list. And yet, I find myself going through my instagram feed and inbox even after I've called it a day. Both things can happen. Both things need to happen; productivity and presence, but it's kind of like they can't exist together. Or at least that there should be a designated time for each during the (week) days.
By the way, I'm sure you're a much better mother than you give yourself credit for. I feel like I know that, even though I don't really "know" you.
Right there with you. I make myself sick, too. I've started leaving my phone in my bedroom for a few hours at a time to make myself be more present. I often think we were all probably better off before the invention of smartphones. I also often fantasize about getting a non-smartphone to eliminate the temptation altogether. But really, shouldn't I be able to practice some self-discipline instead? Ugh. It's hard. And the fact that it's hard seems so silly and makes me sick. Vicious cycle!
It seems we think very similarly on so many issues. I applaud you for writing this out and I agree wholeheartedly. I feel like I am in the most difficult school I have ever attended. The school of motherhood. But I am happy to be a student:) I love these photos of Parker!
Set your timer. I get ten minutes each throughout the day to manage different social media channels and I'm developing office hours so that when I am working that is what I focus on and otherwise I can focus on our little one. It allows me to be more organized with both parts of life.
You write some wicked great stuff on the regular Bridget…. But this one is exceptionally great, truly. I'm declaring this a very Sydney Poulton-esque post, circa December 6th. You know what I mean? Of course you do. Thanks for this one. XO
pandora bracelets
coach outlet
insanity workout
ralph lauren bedding
gucci bags
toms canada
ray ban sunglass
coach outlet
christian louboutin shoes
air jordan 8
pandora rings
kate spade diaper bag
michael kors handbags
true religion
christian louboutin shoes
louis vuitton uk outlet
burberry bags
burberry outlet online
cheap jerseys
coach outlet store online
abercrombie fitch
michael kors uk
celine handbags
soccer cleats
fake oakleys
louis vuitton
jordan 3 retro
red bottom shoes
air max uk
gucci handbags
christian louboutin sale
christian louboutin sale
retro jordans 13
coach outlet store online
abercrombie outlet
michael kors outlet online
20150715xiong
michael kors canada
adidas canada
tiffany and co
abercrombie kids
hollister canada
oakley canada
prom dresses
swarovski canada
tommy hilfiger
new balance canada
burberry canada
the north face
polo ralph
rayban
christian louboutin
nike air max
ugg boots
flat iron
christian louboutin shoes
louboutin
christian louboutin outlet
coachoutlet.com
coach factory outlet
coach outlet online usa
coach outlet online
coach store outlet online
coach outlet online
chanel handbags
converse outlet
michael kors handbags
glasses online
bcbg max azria
uggs