So, just today I started listening to one of my favorite Christmas albums. Josh Groban’s Noel. I know, it’s really freaking early and I think this is the earliest that I’ve given into the longing yet. Most of you are probably eye-rolling and, lest you write me off, so am I! Really! But hear me out: I needed something good, something promising, something hopeful. I’m just feeling a little bleh. This is not a true funk, no, but a little mini one? Here’s the thing with me. I feel things way too deeply. I feel my own things, I feel everyone else’s things. I know that I’m not the only one, and I know it’s not some curse, but shit, sometimes I just wish I could be more casual, more blasé. It’s a blessing and a curse, really. I go to bed thinking about that Danvers teacher who was killed and how the kid just took himself to the movies afterwards. I wake up thinking about the parents of Newtown who are coming up on the year anniversary without their kids. Sometimes Steve begins to tell me a news story he heard, he begins it, “You won’t believe this,” and I know it’s going to be bad and I have to actually stop him. I tell him that I’m emotionally tapped out (which feels like such a cop-out. Isn’t it my responsibility? To know what’s going on, no matter how terrible? To shoulder one another’s sadness?). I can definitely work up a tear, or ten (it’s the latter), when I consider the passage of time in my own family, and how they’ll eventually leave these doors and go out into the world that, to me at almost thirty, seems pretty crazy.
It’s not all bad. There are times I feel so much joy, like real almost tangible joy. Too good to be true joy. It’s the sweetest high and it seriously permeates every little bit of me. But the bad stuff is so much louder, more memorable than the good. It makes me angry. Is it myself I’m angry with–that I let it get to me? Is it the world I’m angry with–that my kids have to hear this stuff, see this stuff, go into a world with this stuff? Both? The kids came home, having heard about the teacher’s death while at school, and I told Lindsey at the dinner table, “There’s a lot of good. Sometimes it feels like it’s all bad, but I think we just hear more about that and remember it more.” She agreed. Now, I just need to convince myself.
i feel you on this. on all of it. it's such a battle to let the joy stick, when all it wants to do is give way to the hurt. but it's a battle worth fighting, over and over again, if necessary. which, for me, the repetition is so necessary. day to day, sometimes minute to minute.
it is a battle worth fighting. and sometimes, yeah, minute to minute. love this comment, love you!
Girl.. this is where I'm at. I feel things way too deeply, too. I have OCD.. we didn't know this until 2012 but you might remember me panicking that William and Lindsay called you mama (none of my business, first of all.. but completely wrapped up in my own fears of my children losing me). You might remember me responding to a question about Mormons (my bff is a mormon) with a little more gusto than necessary. My husband can't tell me things that are going on. One of the main reasons we sacked cable is because I would FLIP OUT after watching Sister Wives or break out in hives after watching 10 minutes of the news. I can't read the paper. I have a strict policy about what life details can and can't be shared with me by the teen mamas I work with because I internalize everything and obsess over it. I ain't been to the movies since the Batman movie shooting (yes, seriously. I'm crazy).
I don't know where I'm going with this. Just that I feel you. It gets dark here at 5 freaking 30 now. I'm in a funk, too. I've been in one for quite some time but this time of year doesn't help.
Snuggle Parker. Hug and kiss your big kids. Most importntly, as my best friend told me last night (as I was flipping out), "get on your knees after your babies are sleeping. and stay there." Talk to Him. He can take it.
i do remember that! and the mormon one too! i figured, at the time, it was a hang up of yours, one that i really do understand (particularly the kids losing you and moving on to another mom… altogether frightening as their present mom). so, no worries about those comments, really and truly. we all have our hang ups, do we ever. myself included.
the last bit of your comment… YES. i need to be better about that, though sometimes i get in the whole "what for?!" mind frame. is he hearing us?
a daily battle.
thanks girl. for reading and baring a part of yourself through this comment (and others!).
Bliss,
Thank you and your best friend for that last line…"get on your knees after your babies are sleeping and stay there." Talk to Him. He can take it.
Simply put, just thank you.
Bridget,
Thank you for your entire post. I think we all get in that place sometimes, we just can't stay there. Just what I needed to hear this morning.
I'm with you on both accounts.
I started listening to Christmas music on Saturday, so if you ask me, it's not too early.
On a more serious note, I think the end of the year is a time for us to stop and reflect on our lives, which is probably why you're feeling like you are. I told my darling last night that I felt like in a lot of ways I was tarnishing my life because I’m so serious. I take too much in, and I don’t know how to being more relaxed/carefree. It's good to be a compassionate and caring person but not to the point that you’re so amerced that you start to feel fragile. I'm consciously trying to maintain what I call a level 5. Not too high (level 10) and not too low (level 1).
Enjoy your Christmas music 🙂
http://www.brasshoney.blogspot.com
it's true. a sort of "evaluate-2013" is going on, or something?
it does make me start to feel fragile. i feel a responsibility to hear the news, to feel it too. but to what end? till i feel really, really, really sad about it all so that i'm no good as mom and wife?
a level 5! that's what i need.
Christmas music all the way…heard it at the mall yesterday and it made me all sorts of happy.
As for the other stuff, I get it. I think for me becoming a mom and wanting to protect my babies from this sometimes crazy world has made me feel things more deeply and let things sit on my heart and worry about them more often than I ever used to. I look back to my own childhood often and think about how carefree it seemed to be, not worrying about the craziness of the news and out doing my thing from morning till dusk and all I had to do was tell my parents where I was. Now, now it is so very different and I often think too deeply and let it get to me how things have changed so very much. Being an adult is hard, at least at times I feel it is because we know so much and feel so much and want to protect our own so much that somedays it's overpowering and it gets to you. And it makes me sad and angry that especially kids these days have to worry about things that they shouldn't have to and think about things that they shouldn't have to…like Lindsay even having to hear about that teacher"s death or that it even happend in the first place.
I am rambling here and this probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense so I will end this. Crank that Christmas music and enjoy the season!!!
for me too. i've always been a pretty empathetic person, more than a lot of people, but it went into overdrive when i became a parent. big time.
cranking the music!
and yes. i went through a serious mourning of naive childhood a few years ago. what a beautiful time childhood is.
Totally there with you! And enjoy whatever is good for your soul! 🙂
doing it!
This was beautiful and truthfully written. I identify whole-heartitly with the line: "I feel things way too deeply. I feel my own things, I feel everyone else's things." Empathy is a gift we definitely don't all possess that is why it's a gift. A strength. Cherish it even when the world feels like it's caving in on us.
you're right, you're right! it is a gift. i'm mostly glad i have it.
thanks girl.
like the hundreds of other highly sensitive, incredibly empathic women who will comment on this post, i know exactly how you are feeling. gave a bit of a wry smile when i read about steve and the news – j does the exact same thing with the exact same starting line and sometimes i just have to say "no, please no. i don't want to hear this right now."
—m
yes. like "i've given all the emotion i can today. now i just need to refill my cup for tomorrow's news."
with ya, girl.
This is one of the reasons I love the holiday season most… between Thanksgiving and Christmas we just get to be a little happier, a little more hopeful, and a little more thoughtful. 🙂 I'm already listening to Christmas music too.
it's true. i am more excited for this christmas than possibly any christmas ever.
I think this is (one of the many reasons) why we're blog friends. I am the feeler of all feels. My FEELS have feels. Yep. I so get it.
I've realized that, in order to calm my feels a little, I need to be doing something. And sometimes it seems so small and insignificant when looking at the big picture, but I truly believe everything little thing we give or send out into the world is important. Donating money to people who run to tragedies. (I love that Mr. Rogers quote about "always looking for the helpers" – that has always brought comfort to my feeling heart) Helping animals. Buying dinner for the homeless. Paying for a stranger's coffee. Encouraging a friend. Being brave for someone, even though we don't feel brave deep down. Writing someone a letter. Even sharing our own stories (like you have) can make people feel like they're not alone, like someone is in their corner. And that's important. It matters.
I think it takes a lot of strength to feel. It can be exhausting, though, right? But, I also think it makes us more compassionate people, and the world so desperately needs that.
my feels have feels. yep. fistpump, with ya 100%.
i love the doing something bit. honestly. cliche as it may sound, you have no idea what that little something means to someone. the ripple it creates that grows. the little paying it forward that has a domino effect. i love it.
exhausting, yes, but you're right.
Dude. I keep some Christmas songs hanging out in random iPod playlists because they're just necessary throughout the other 11 months. They just are.
Also. Feelings are as hard as they are important. People like us having them makes the world go 'round.
Finally. I am still floored by the Danvers teacher. I think about her every day.
can't stop thinking about her. her mom, dad. how her life was just snuffed out by this kid and for what?
too sad.
*Hug*
Sometimes we think we are so alone in our thoughts and feelings. As I was reading this I thought, "holy sh*t, it isn't just me." I feel things so deeply that everything is so personal…and sometimes it is just terrible. Be brave, warrior. Be brave.
i sometimes feel so alone with these thoughts — so nice to read the comments, such as yours, that let me know it's not just me! and it's not just you either! xo.
Sometimes, as my dad often says, "people are no damn good." And it's often true, if we only listen to the news and read the tragic stories that are printed in the papers. But how often good triumphs evil! And if listening to Josh Groban's melodious voice helps you remember that, then by all means, go for it. I just listened to a Pandora Christmas station while making dinner. So really, no judgment.
your dad hits the nail on the head! or at least how it feels a lot. but no, i can't believe it. hope springs eternal, even when i get all depressed about this stuff…
I can't watch anything suspenseful because it stresses me out so much!!! My husband makes fun of me, but I can't shake it.
I actually think it's incredibly appropriate you're listening to Christmas music (even though I usually don't listen to it till the week leading up to it).
I remember thinking I would make a good counselor, and then thinking even if that were true, I couldn't do it because I would constantly be bearing the weight of everyone else's burdens, and I was sure I couldn't handle that.
There's so much that will break us, if we let it. But I think the beauty and the hope and the joy of Christmas is that out of a place called Nazareth that is viewed essentially as the scum of Judaea comes a baby, the Messiah, born to deliver us from and through what would otherwise break us.
I read a post about a visit to Auschwitz only a few minutes ago. And I said on that post, I think to see such evil, both then and now, is to give us the motivation we need to fight all the more vehemently for the good of which we're equally as capable. And I don't know if that's a comforting thought at all, or maybe just not today or right now. But I think if there's anything to hold on to, it's the reminder that Christmas is coming, the day we remember and grasp firmly the promise delivered.
(And Kelly Ann's comment? LOVE. Especially the last paragraph. It takes strength for us to keep functioning, especially emotionally, but I think we know ourselves as human and grows our compassion when we allow ourselves to feel.)
I wish we could somehow remain motivated… to do the good, to be the good, even without the evil. Maybe that's what heaven will be like?
Oh man, I am so in the same space at the moment. I'm almost at the point of avoiding news sites for a while – avoiding the articles full of awfulness with comments full of vitriol. I know what you mean about wanting to dial down the empathy, just for a bit – for a break. If only it could be lent out to those who don't have any.
Haven't cracked the Josh Groban album out yet, but I did start the Christmas craft on the weekend. No regrets.
YES. All of this. I hang on to emotional things that aren't even MY OWN things too much. Can't shake the anxiety and incessant thoughts they bring. I totally feel you on wanting to tap out of feeling other's sadness…wish it was easier done than it is said, of course. It's so much easier to talk about the bad things going on. Because talking about good things all the time seems like bragging. Or at least that's the way my brain thinks. You've posed a great reminder to let go of wearing the weight of the world on my own shoulders and focus on the joy directly around me. Thanks for this. 🙂
I feel you girl. I feel you so so much. There's just so much HAPPENING in the world, it can be so hard to just go on about your day like it's no big thing. Especially when things start hitting close to our literal home, like with Newtown and Danvers. It's not a bad thing to feel this way AT ALL. But do remember that there's a hell of a lot more good in the world than there is bad. I mean, just look at you and your family! SO MUCH GOOD!
Also I posted this on my Facebook yesterday, but I think you might enjoy reading it. It's really kind of long, so maybe wait until Parker's taking a little nappypoo or he's asleep for the night: http://nymag.com/news/features/newtown-2013-11/
I totally agree with you. I feel things too deeply too. It is, I think, a curse. I feel other people's pain and sadness far too much. I always say my empathy gene is just too darn big. Sometimes I just keep thinking, wondering, worrying if other people are okay to the point where I'm not okay. Also, there is SOOO much bad stuff out there that it's hard to think of the good sometimes. I know it's there but like you said, the bad is far too loud. Sad.
I think the media should be required to follow a good-bad-good story lineup – always ending with something good. Because it's out there. It just gets overshadowed by the bad which is so much easier to sensationalize.
-Amy
I completely understand how you feel. Watching the news makes my heart ache, and actually makes me fear more for my children and worry more than I probably should.
Hello! I stumbled onto your blog a month or so ago and was really thankful to find it because I was feeling somewhat isolated at the time. I've been a parental figure (what do you call yourself when you're legions beyond just "dad's girlfriend" to the kids but not yet a "step mom"?…) to my boyfriend's two young kids for the last two and a half years and most of my friends can't really relate to the lifestyle and have judged me for it. When I found your story I seriously almost cried :). The kids' mom is still around, but seeing that somone else in their 20s experienced/is still experiencing all the emotional twists and turns of parenting non-biological children was a relief.
Beyond all that, I can relate deeply to this post about feeling everyone else's stuff and being too emotionally tapped out to handle more bad news. Whenever I start feeling that way, I youtube Susan Boyle's initial performance on Britain's Got Talent haha. The energy in that auditorium once she starts singing is beyond lifting.
– Leila
Ohhh boy, can I totally relate to this?! Heck yes, I can. It's good to feel things and have a healthy sense of all your emotions, but dang! If I could just watch a commercial or read a story on my FaceBook newsfeed without tearing up, well, it would be pretty cool. My husband will even censor things for me, saying, "Oh nope, you can't handle this one so just forget about it before you ask me to read it to you."
But yes, the world needs compassionate people. Those people need to spread it around. To teach it to kiddos and help nuture more compassionate people.
Thanks for sharing this post and let's all continue to "Be Brave".
I love this post. I don't think it's a cop out to say you're tapped out. Think about it- only in the last 100 years have we really begun to shoulder not only our own sorrows- but also the whole world around us too! People used to never have to concern themselves so much with the daily influx of media like we do now: usually only dealing with local tragedies instead of everything in the whole world at once. The human heart just isn't meant to handle all that!
this makes a lot of sense. steve's told me before that today it's actually quite a bit safer than it was hundreds of years ago, but how would we know that? we hear EVERYTHING. sometimes, ignorance is bliss.
I can relate as well. I think social media has allowed for the "bad" to reach us a little more quickly than before (and i'm only 28). Maybe it's a sort of coming of age, or right of passage. The worlds problems are "knighted" onto our shoulders as we become "real adults." I'm a naturally anxious person and I sometimes struggle with my own sense of empathy. I can wear someone or something else's grief, and it will stay a while and make itself feel right at home. I've had to internalize that without the bad, I would never appreciate the good. I also have to repeat that over and over again. The bible teaches that empathy is at the center of an ethic based on love. This world would be a horrible place if it wasn't for people like us. If you ever have time, "Born for Love: Why Empathy Is Essential–and Endangered" is a good read. Especially for Momma's.
"rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep” (Romans 12:15).
Love and appreciate all the beautiful comments here. I was just telling my youngest brother yesterday, as we were saying how we both wish we were a bit tougher emotionally, more detached, than we are, that it is how it is: we're sensitive to stuff, particularly suffering, and that's how we're wired. I suddenly felt like — hey, for too long I've tried to be more detached and feel things less or I've wanted to be like people who are like that — no more. It seemed time to simply own it and roll with it instead of fighting it. And reading your words today really helped, Bridget. Made me feel less alone. Like a commenter above, I also thought of Mr. Rogers' comment and looking for the helpers. And being one yourself, even in small ways. Such a vital and beautiful task.
Incidentally, I'm adding my voice to the growing chorus of us who've started listening to Christmas music. Just felt like I needed it — and it was wonderful and healing to hear it. When I got over the weirdness of it being early November, that is. 🙂
all this just means you have a big heart. aint nothing wrong with that sister. we just carry things a little longer and a little deeper than most. i'm right there with you. it's easy to get in a funk over things of this world. cause there is so.much.bad. but just look for the good. it's there. I started writing in a journal a few years ago when I felt like all I paid attention to was the bad, and I just started writing 5 good things a day…big or little…and you really can go on and on and on with the good. seems to outweigh the bad once you get it on paper.
love your heart sister! big time!
first of all, christmas music! yay! secondly, love this sweet sweet post. xo
the well-traveled wife
^^enter our giveaway!
Perhaps you've heard the Fred Rogers quote “When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, 'Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.'” Gotta love Mr. Rogers! This is such a great reminder and I use it often with my very sensitive 5 year old son. There are (and always have been) people who do terrible things, but there are innumerably more people who are looking to do good. I don't think this minimizes the suffering of the victims. Rather it urges us to do something in response (look for helpers, be the helpers, etc.) instead of being crushed by the weight of pain. Easier said than done…but half the battle is in our minds, right!?
What a gift your sensitivity is… for being the wife of a widower and the stepmom to those kids! Your ability to have such compassion is no doubt one of the greatest gifts you've given them.
Oh I'm so glad you posted this. My husband loves to read the news, and if it's sad he deals with it by sharing with me. And then I cry myself to sleep because I just can't handle the sadness. I beg him not to tell me, but he just can't help it (also can't keep from telling me my Christmas presents, that's just his way)
So I guess I'm just glad I'm not the only one who feels too deeply and needs to hear less bad stuff (I always feel wimpy, but maybe that's not the case?)
i feel ya, girl. i deal with the same problem. God uses big hearts like ours (is that weird to say? haha) to bless those around us.
Girl, I hear ya! I work with abused and neglected teen moms in the foster care system and my heart hurts so much every day for them. But to become entrenched in their situation, to deem myself helpless or their situations hopeless, is no help to them. I think the key is using our empathy to ACT, to EMPOWER, to do good!
I hear ya and feel the same so often. I hurt so hard sometimes over the biggest and smallest of things.
yep, me too. you'd probably never know it from my blog but im the same way. working in news all those years was hard.. always brought me back to my favorite verse, "Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."
Ohhhhh yes. I am the ultra sensitive absorber of everyone's everything which is why I have started to limit how much I tap into social media and read blogs, etc….because I barely have enough emotional energy for my own life and my close family's. Its a tough balance and this is why I am allowing Christmas music extra early. Hugs!
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