I’ve heard the term, twice just this week, low-grade anxiety, and realized, “Hey wait! I think I’ve got that too!” While we all want to put a label to things, name it, call it something, put it in a box, who really cares cause it is what it is regardless, right? Nevertheless, I feel a deep need to be further, farther, faster along then where I am now. Whether it’s in some various stage of life, finances, building up my photography, graphic design know-how, writing, even a clean house, whatever… it’s permeating every bit of me and causing waves of anxiety where I just wish I could be breezing through all of the steps and find myself at a place where I sit back, look around me, and think, “Yes! This is it. I have arrived!” Something about never comparing your beginning to someone else’s middle? Yes, that.
It’s hard, of course, when you think there are about a million things you could be doing but toddlerdom really thwarts the ability to give one’s full attention to anything besides, well, that toddler. And Parker knows when I’m half-assing it. He knows when I’m slinking away quietly to, “Oh! Just check to see if that one person wrote me back!” And, as always, I feel like a shit head one hundred percent of the time when I don’t give him the attention he deserves. Wah, wah, wah, the saga of mom-guilt continues.
We’ve managed to get out of the house a lot these days and I never regret those times. I figure, this life is a marathon and I’m not gonna get to the finish quickly, right? Getting out, getting fresh air, running the wipers and getting all that neon green pollen fuzz off the car windshield as we hit the open road to, perhaps, a new farm or playdate… I never return home thinking it was a mistake. So, I need to take it easy on myself. I need to just be. Learn patience with myself. Be content in the journey.
And remember, above all else, I have so much to be grateful for.
{A note to all affected in Oklahoma: can’t begin to put words to what you’ve experienced but I think I speak for many when I say we’re sending our love from all ends of the globe.}
What a beautiful beach photo! You two look lovely!
xox
giedre
http://www.walkingdotphotography.com
I know exactly what you mean. . . And I appreciate that sentence up there about never comparing your beginning to someone else's middle. I do that ALL the time.
And I can relate when it comes to wanting, truly wanting, to be that perfect mom whose priorities are always in line and who manages to accomplish a bagillion things daily while staring into the eyes of her child, letting him/her know that mommy is there and mommy cares.
But that doesn't always happen, and I do get distracted.
Bottom line, you're a great mom and i'm sure your boy knows he's super duper loved by you and the rest of the crew.
At the end of the day, that's what matters most.
you and me both! comparison, the thief of joy.
thanks becky!!
I love thinking that life is a marathon. I need to adopt that motto. Beautiful post.
amen!
Bridget, thanks for your words! That is exactly what I'm feeling. And you get so much better through the days if you don't constantly think of what you should be doing right now instead…
I think this is on so many people's minds right now. Thanks for sharing! I find myself just wanting to see the next step. I don't need the arrival necessarily, or to label every ding-dang thing about myself that I know I struggle with (issues, issues, blah, blah). I just want to see what's maybe a mile up ahead :). It is definitely challenging to have patience and most of all to trust in something greater than ourselves. If "anxiety" is what I have…well, I figure He already knows it (Psalm 139) and throwing a label on it or stressing myself further won't help. I completely agree- let's give ourselves a break and really soak in every moment of the journey.
psalm 139 – one of the very best.
Why is it we all know this, but it's so SO hard to put into action when we really need to. At least for me. I had a conversation on the phone about this with my friend Cassi about a year ago when she had just slowed waaaay down on her photography career to welcome her second child. I was venting, ungratefully, about how this phase of life feels so hard. I feel poor, tired, and live a mundane life, although hectic life. She told me she had made peace with the fact that our lives have seasons, and this was the season for us to experience being a young mom. Seasons change, and so will ours, but this is what season it is now. I don't know WHY I hadn't thought of it that way, but it truly has helped me let things change on their own time, and know that everyone is in a different season, and that's okay, because we'll all experience changing seasons. Anyway, it's late and I'm ranting now, but that helps me.
seasons of life, AMEN. (and in my opinion, chelsea, you are doing some really fantastic things!!)
It's not just the mom thing, it's a woman thing. We have this innate ability to feel guilt even if we did something well just not enough umph behind it… If there is guilt, we will find it, craft it, create it. Something I didn't realize until my kids were older is I can't be a good mom if I'm not happy with me. Truthfully, I am just as busy and needed now that my kids are older. They need more attention and time to talk, sports, school, opinions of the world to share. I started realizing my time and my life might not be coming. There's nothing wrong with bargaining with a toddler for him to get what he wants and you as well. Allow Parker to learn a bit of time management and to appreciate the time he has with you but also teaching him independence and to appreciate his own quiet/play/create time. It's hard, there is no doubt about that, but it can be done. You time and plans for you are not selfish, they're imperative to you 'both' growing up.
pidg, i'm getting the feeling you're full of some good wisdom! keep your comments coming. you're so right in the bit about needing to be happy and fulfilled yourself too. and also the bit about parker learning the value of his own quiet time! i don't need to be entertaining him 24/7 (and i don't, but i also feel badly when i don't!!).
I completely relate and was feeling this exact same way yesterday. Asking myself what can I be doing in addition to being a stay at home mommy for my 9 month old?! How can I maximize my time during nap? Where can I show my creative outlet?? But the real question is who do I need to show I am doing more than raising my son? Why do I feel the need to have people validate?
My little guy does know too when I am not giving him my 100%, and that is not fair to him. Anyways, all of this to say this was such a timely post for me. Thank you!! Big hugs!
You're so sweet Bridget- thank you, really:) I know I AM, and I am proud, but I still do struggle with managing three small kids at home. The twins have rocked my world more than I'd like to admit and I'm still adjusting to being content in this new "season" despite all the fun opportunities that have come my way.
dude, twins. twin BOYS no less. i can't imagine. you are a rockstar in my eyes.
I think this comes in waves for me. I'll go through stretches of time where I think, "If I could just get a handle on X, Y, and Z then I'd be happy." Other times, I'm so contented with the present and feel so good about what's happening around me…I love that peaceful place. For me, I know it will always be an ebb and a flow. I'll go through those valleys of trying to accomplish x, y, and z and then I'll come to that peaceful mountain top and I'll look out over my life and think, "Hey! I feel pretty good about this right here and right now stuff!" It's the human condition, isn't it?!
waves, for sure. sometimes hourly!
I know exactly what you mean. It seems like you could and should always be doing more. No time for putting your feet up during daylight hours! There's work to be done!
I'm going on a vacation in June and I was trying to throw together a bunch of blog posts for my time away because that's just what you should do, right? Whatever. One day I was just like, "screw this". I gave my sponsors the month for free and stopped trying to plan ahead. I'm taking that vacation for real and I'm not going to feel bad about it.
I think it's awesome you spend so much time doing things with Parker. You are the kind of mom I want to be someday.
honestly, it is the best use of my day more than all the other 'stuff' — but, like another commenter said, it's important to feel fulfilled yourself in order that you be able to be your best self for everyone. so true. but sometimes (a lot of times) being a mama alone is the best gig ever. complete with its mom guilt even. it just fulfills this visceral "i'm-doing-exactly-what-i-was-intended-for" need at times and that's when it's all that and more. you're gonna be a good one some day devon, to your little blonde haired surfer babe no doubt 🙂
I love just your title to this post "be content in the journey", that is oh so very true and I keep replaying those words in my head today after I read your post this monring. I will go home and remember to "be content in the journey" tonight as I sit back and play with my sweet girls…..housework and emails can always wait one more day! Thank You for this post!
you are welcome!! it's a keeper of a line – one that i'll be running through my own head as well!!
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2008/10/finding-joy-in-the-journey?lang=eng
Really cool talk that I love 🙂 Hope this doesn't offend. Read if you like. Hits the topic head on.
not the least bit offended – there is so much truth in that talk!! the piles of laundry and fingerprints everywhere and missing them profoundly one day? if i think too hard about it, it'd make me cry. thank you for sharing!!
Thanks for your thoughts for my state. I live about 1.5 hours away a little outside of Tulsa, but I have family (and family of family) that are in Moore. They are alive, thank God. My aunts brother lost his home. I just can't imagine what these families are going thru. I am fortunate that I have never had to be in a tornado even though I have lived in Oklahoma all 31 years of my life.
oh my goodness, so glad you're safe and well, alice. and your family too.
I've read your blog for awhile now, but have never commented. I just wanted to say that I completely understand. As a stay at home mom of a two year old and six month old, I feel pulled in so many directions, yet struggle with immense "mommy guilt". And thank you for your thoughts toward those of us in Oklahoma…I live a couple hours from Moore, but I have several friends in Moore that either lost their home or have damaged homes. It's heartbreaking, but I'm so grateful they are all safe.
a wise mom told me (not too long ago!) – a guilty mom is a good mom. without the guilt, i think we'd be too complacent/unmotivated in our role. the guilt keeps us trying our best. no doubt, it still sucks! but it brought me a bit of peace on the subject!
and so glad your friends are safe!!
This post is just perfect, Bridget… I felt like I was reading my heart's words. The phenomenon that is "mommy-guilt" and remembering to be "content in the journey" are things that I wrestle with daily. I love being able to see the beauty in the present and laying my head down at night with peace in my heart and the knowledge of a day well spent. But there are some days when its hard to see the masterpiece in progress that is raising a child and being a woman. Sometimes I see only teeny, tiny, frazzled brushstrokes on the canvas of my life. Its nice to know that I'm not the only one that occasionally needs a reminder to be content in the journey. And when I really think about it, the journey is the best part. Oh and thats a beautiful photo of you and your little man, by the way. Xoxo
what a beautiful comment, tisse!! you're definitely not the only one (and see what i wrote above about mom guilt. maybe it will help you too!).
I am currently trying not to compare…compare myself to others' beginnings, middles, and ends. We need to remember that we are currently in the "good old days" and it is so easy to forget that!
Welp, this is the first time I've heard of low-grade anxiety, but I think I could check that box too. Why is it that being a woman in our society can produce such anxiety? But amen on being content in the journey. And one of those things that feels like it will take a lifetime to really stick.
I have felt like this so many times, but not as often anymore. One day I came across this article and IT.CHANGED.MY.LIFE. I could see things clear.
It is long, but oh SO good.
http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2012/10/of-regrets-and-resolutions?lang=eng
Oh I'm feeling this so strongly too at this point in my life. There are so many things to be done and accomplished, but we have to take time enjoying the life we're living at this moment or all our work to progress further is entirely in vain. Beautiful post. Thank you.
I am not a mum but I constantly have this problem. My partner is always saying be kinder to myself. One day I hope I can. I really try. It's really hard though. Also I realise (but can't always process) how hard other people's beginnings, middles, and ends have been to get there but I still want it now. Trying not to wish my life away but to enjoy each day.