“In the last weeks, we’d been reduced to spending our time together in recollection, but that was not nothing: The pleasure of remembering had been taken from me, because there was no longer anyone to remember with. It felt like losing your co-rememberer meant losing the memory itself, as if the things we’d done were less real and important than they had been hours before.”
I’m writing this post with tears in my eyes because, well, I just finished The Fault in Our Stars. I took the book outside today, Saturday afternoon, it was way too cold, but the sun was out, the wind minimal, and with a giant fuzzy blanket and an Adirondack chair that sits on our lawn, I was able to read the rest in relative comfort (and, most importantly, quiet). And, God, it was so sad. I cried, and if I let myself, I could’ve turned it into a bit of a mess. I refrained, but then went to type the above quote, and began to cry again. I called Steve over to read it because, really, he’s the one I had in mind when I first read it.
I haven’t experienced any real awful hurt in my life. I’ve experienced some loss, but no tragic losses. No died-before-their-time sorts. I’ve lost my grandparents, the only two I’ve ever known, and I miss them, especially my grandfather as I knew him longer in my adult life–we just passed the year anniversary of his death–but… I don’t even really like to write it or think it because who wants to jinx themselves? But yeah, I’m lucky, I’m really, really lucky. I pray for the health of the people I love most on a daily basis, it’s all I can do, and while I can’t really say that means a thing because doesn’t everyone want, pray, hope, wish for the ones they love to live? And sometimes they don’t? No matter I do it anyway. I don’t know what else to do.
So, I thought of Steve when I read that because, while I haven’t experienced a great hurt, he has. And in some small (really small, no doubt) way, I’ve felt it a little bit too? Because one of the people I love most in this entire world has experienced one of the greatest hurts there is. You just don’t want that for someone you love, you don’t want that to be a part of their past, their history. But, nevertheless, sometimes it actually hurts me that he lost Shannon. I can’t imagine losing him and here that’s just what happened to him. Anyway, I remember him telling me this, when we would talk about Shannon and his grief. That without her, it was like their memories were lost. They’d met in college and they were married 14 years when she died. That is a lot of memories. And when she was gone, it was like they were gone too. I think about how often I have to ask Steve how something went, or where were we when, or did we go there? I can’t imagine being left as the sole memory-rememberer. It’s too much.
The book is really quite beautiful, albeit an easy read (hey, an easy read does not have to preclude a beautiful read!) and if you’re not afraid of a good cry at the end then do pick it up. You’ll probably end up thinking, like I did, that it’s got some of the wittiest and most charming characters. And that there’s no rhyme or reason to life sometimes. But, we keep praying, hoping, and wishing nevertheless, don’t we?
A beautiful read indeed. I made the mistake of finishing it on a flight to Prague. I'm sure my seat neighbours thought I was nuts as I tried, unsuccessfully, to hold it all in.
I think your reaction shows just how compassionate you really are Bridget. I bet Steve appreciates that about you.
I just read this book last week! I enjoyed it and now am curious about Greene's other books as well.
I don't usually comment here although I always enjoy your blog Bridget. Your graciousness and compassion for Steve and the kids is such a beautiful gift to them. It's a beautiful quote you shared. I lost two loved ones in the space of a week, both in their twenties – both suddenly. It is many years ago now, but they are kept 'alive' in the shared process of remembering. But since I have lost my beloved grandmother, I have dreaded losing my grandfather – I know that his loss will make hers more real and somehow more permanent. Thank you for the book recommendation.
thanks so much alli. i can't imagine how that experience has affected you, even now. i hope you try the book and enjoy it!
I'll have to read that book but I bet Inwill sob like A baby. I lost my father 4 years ago when a driver under the influence ran him over on his bicycle. That loss had refocused my life. How I look at life , the day to day, and my loved ones. I think all the time what would happen if I were to die or If I lost Ryan. I don't know how or what would happen. So we just make the most of every day and every week. I photograph more because of loss. I'm always encouraged by your blog and seeing how so much love and beauty can come from heart breaking loss.
Bonnie Rose | A Compass Rose
bonnie rose, i am so sorry for the loss of your dad. god, that must have been awful. i think you're right to just make the most of every day – it's all we can do – thanks for reading my blog too (and always leaving such nice comments!) 🙂
Such a wonderful book. John Greene has such a beautiful way of writing about such hard, intangible things. Looking for Alaska is another one by him that blew my mind.
I read that this week. I sat and cried on and off all day – so heartbreaking. I read those kind of things and try to imagine how miserable life would be if I lost my husband, my mother, my daughter. It's too hard to bear even thinking about! Isn't it funny how a book like that makes us all feel so connected together in the human experience? Love is a powerful thing.
That book is waiting for me at the library to pick it up! I'll probably get it tomorrow (after my current book is done), and I'll start diving in!
Usually I don't tend to read 'popular' books, but this one I wanted to, and the little bit I read via Amazon, was good, so I decided to check it out. Glad you enjoyed it! I'm interested to see if it'll make me cry. Only one book has made me cry before, so I'll have to see if this one does!
I just downloaded this book on my kindle & I think it's time for me to read it. I am another person who has gone through a great loss. I have thought this a few times when reading your posts, but the best thing you can do for someone that you love is be so sensitive and nurturing to a loss of this kind. So many people shut down/get awkward/don't want to talk about it, but it's an amazing gift to give someone, to be the one that they can go to and talk about loss and grief without holding back. My boyfriend has been a person like that for me and it really is an incredible quality in another person 🙂
Beautiful book and a wonderful post.
I love that this is a young adult book that is capturing so many adults too.
I felt the same way when I read it. I would be laughing out loud one second, and then crying my eyes out the next because it just makes you think about how unexpected and short life can be.
My students read this one for their book club at school, and I was blown away at the number of them that said they didn't like the book or just were not affected by it. Maybe these feelings are ones that come with years and experience? Either way, such a good read.
that makes me sad. i think some young kids are just not capable of empathy/sympathy but man, wouldn't their middle school/high school years be easier on them if they were?!
I have book club tonight, and I was already planning to suggest this as our next book! I hope everyone won`t be mad at me for making them cry!
Some Snapshots Blog
Jess
I love this book. I don't even care that it's YA, it's so pertinent and important to read those kinds of words. This book really changed me.
The Fault in Our Stars was beautiful. I sobbed and just kind of sat on my bed in disbelief after it was over because it was just so heartbreaking. A very stunningly beautiful book.
Keep reading this. I have nothing to say because it's just too much–those lost memories.
(Great book)
I read this about two months ago. If you are looking fr something equally good I'd go with Eleanor and Park.
I am actually reading a different book by the same author right now. It is called, "Looking for Alaska," and I am loving it! I will have to pick up "The Fault in Our Stars" next.
Love and miss you friend.
i've been thinking about this topic quite a bit lately (sad, but true). about losing a spouse (about losing ryan). i mentioned here before that he got really sick last year around this time. so, it has been bringing up memories (& fears). i just started reading joan didion's book~ a year of magical thinking, in which her husband dies at the onset of the book. i refuse to be overcome with anxiety/fear, but instead look at it as a reminder of just how precious life {& love} really is.
it's hard to, when you really think about the possibilities, to not let anxiety and fear take over. i get it. i wish i were better at meditation and prayer… i try anyway, what other option is there??? anyway, wishing you peace, torrie!!
p.s. i appreciate you sharing this~ about steve, and shannon~ and your genuine sadness. a hard topic to face, or even think about.
I have got to read this! So curious.
And I always appreciate your being so open about your husband's situation. It takes a big person Brigitte…it really does. Love to you! xo
thanks susan! (i always appreciate your comments!)
I started reading your blog a few months ago and am inspired by every post your write! I look forward so much to reading it! I'm continually inspired by your wisdom, compassion, and huge love for Steve and your family. It makes my heart swell how deeply you feel for your family. The way that you make room in your life for the memory of Shannon and the memories you make as a family is seriously remarkable 🙂
thanks so much keely. this is such a sweet comment! though you may give me more credit than i deserve!! 🙂
Ohhh, I don't think I could read the book as just that little teeny bit made me cry. I've buried both parents, my mom decades ago, my dad just last year. To try to describe the grief would be futile. You just can not. My husband and I have been together for 30 years and I have never thought of our shared memories this way!! It's so thought provoking, as sharing the memories is such a MAJOR part of our life. It usually starts with " do you remember that time we…." or "remember that day when…" No one else shares the full story do they? At least the kids have a wee bit of it! Thanks Bridget for passing this on~ You have as so often, added a bit of goodness to my day!
I've just recently started following your blog and love it! I just HAD to comment because I JUST read this book on Sunday too. My husband teaches 5th grade and some of his students were reading it, and he told me it was a "must read" for me. We've unfortunately lost too many friends and family members…young and old to cancer, and this book spoke volumes to me. So glad you got to read it too!
Fault shattered me. I shook the bed, I was crying so hard. It was all so beautiful…and, my first ever JG read! Your words here make so much sense. I think it's really brave to share in someone's suffering, and that's what you have chosen to do. My kids are all adopted and one of the best gifts I can give them it to never make them choose between love for me or love for their first mom. (I know it's different, but it all feels like it fits together, somehow.)
PS – Did you hear they're making it a movie???
you are quite the lady. that you're even thinking of their birth mother. i'm glad there are people like you out there!
didn't know the movie bit – but i'm glad! i love when good books are made into (good) movies!
I haven't read the book, although I think I will be picking it up. Your words resonated with me though…I lost my best friend a decade ago when we were 21 and that was one of the most painful feelings of loss. I felt like a huge part of my history and childhood were taken from me, and instead of all of the memories being joyful they were so lonely. I have since been able to come to a place of remembering with peace.
I discovered your blog not too long ago and I'm so glad I did. I really appreciate your life perspective. Life is complicated, but that doesn't mean there is a problem!
Your family is beautiful and this blog really touches me!
xo
henna, i'm so sorry for your loss – i don't think we consider the 'memories' thing when we think of the grief of losing someone. i'm glad you were able to come to a peaceful place about it.
thanks so much for reading my blog too 🙂 life is complicated, no doubt!