{lace top: c/o chicnova}
{pants (old): zara}
{denim shirt: h&m}
{boots (old): famous footwear}
{necklace: c/o lisa leonard}
It feels like there’s a shift happening lately. I’m seeking more independence. I want to succeed in things outside the home–and I want to be at step Z and skip right on through steps A through Y. I want to figure out some of those desires I’ve quieted over the last year or so having been in full Mom mode. It’s like Parker neared 20 months and I realized, however foolishly, that nothing earth-shattering would happen if I took a few opportunities–be it girls’ nights, solo errands trips, whatever–outside of the house. Before that, I can honestly say I didn’t mind turning a lot of things down. Now, I mind a little bit more.
Meanwhile, Parker is becoming more of a toddler. More opinions, tantrums, moods. I’m going to be honest, they make me really sad. I suppose this is the curse of a first-time Mom (to this age, anyway). I didn’t see it coming? Or maybe I didn’t expect to feel so sad when it did. I’ve heard of the terrible twos but God, he was such a happy baby. I enjoyed nearly every single day with him. Steve would come home from work and I would proclaim, “I don’t think he cried all day!” Steve and I high-fivin’, all, “Go us!” And now? Well, we’ve got moods, oh do we ever. They come and go. Just as soon as I was venting to my Mom about the change, he was happy as can be like, “Fooled ya, Mom.” And some days, it’s just emotionally draining. Am I doing it right? How am I supposed to discipline him? Are time-outs good? Should I make him eat this meal or skip it and try again later? Am I meeting all his needs to the point where he’ll become spoiled? Is this right? Can I even trust my intuition?
It’s weird, and the whole thing leaves me feeling a bit anxious. I liked being wholly content in being home, nursing him, soaking up his baby-ness. I was good at it not to mention it felt good, it felt right. I owned it one hundred percent. Now, it feels a bit like I’m being stretched. Like I want to do a million things, all at once–edit photos! make a grocery list! read a book! write an essay! hang those pictures!–and here he’s tugging at my hand wanting me to sit and do a puzzle with him. Or crying out, “Mama!” when someone else is trying to play with him. I have a hard time passing off certain responsibilities. Even to Steve. I think, “No, I want to be the one to put him to bed. He wants me to put him to bed, to rock him to sleep, and I want to be there for him.” I want to do it all. I’m afraid wanting to do it all means doing it all but doing none of it well. And then, I fear regrets. Am I going to regret devoting time to other things? Am I going to look back and think I missed out on something pretty important?
It’s just a stage, I think. Growing pains. I know it’s important to feel fulfilled but why is it so hard? And, please share with me your happy-baby-turned-moody-toddler stories. Tell me I’m not alone?
{Also, approximately one of you liked my last playlist and asked for another. So to that one, here you go, and you are welcome!}
One, I really like your lace top. Very pretty.
Two, I can relate when I think back to having just my first kid. I wanted to be able to do everything really well and live up to expectations as a stay at home mum. I had only been married for a year and a half when Ronan was born and my husband just joined the military and we were moving frequently for his different stages of training. I felt like I had a lot to do, a lot expected, and I didnt want anything to not be as it should. Plus I wanted to give all my time to my son. It really can stress you out. I think the important thing to remember is that its okay to let a chore slide or a todo list not get completed, if it means you get an extra hour to play with your little one. They grow up so fast and thats not time you can get back. I feel like I sorta understood that better with my second and now that I would love another I really see it in a new light.
Bonnie Rose | a Compass Rose
coming out of the baby haze I call that. happens to me every time. definitely not alone.
when I'm pregnant I go into a kind of alternate, ha ha — baby space, you could call it, and then I come out of it when my babe's around one and I start to feel more like my old self again. (but you know, with another child đ
this is when I start/go back to uni. yes, essays etc. other people say it's crazy but I get the itch to do stuff. me stuff. totally.
am sorry to say the tantrums get more before they get less, but they do get less. it's not pleasant though: you want them to find their voice but that brings with it a sense of loss and reminds you that they're growing up. that they will change. sob.
p.s preeety pictures.
I don't have any kids, so I can't help with that conundrum, but I had to say – I'm one of those who liked your last playlist, and I've liked this one now. Discovering some great new stuff. Thanks for putting it up!
I've spent the last two weeks close to tears over toddler behavior. It's just overwhelming sometimes. All the tantrums and irrational behavior. WHAT HAPPENED TO MY BABY.
We're in it together.
I think its perfectly natural to eventually crave something for yourself outside the house.
Although I will say I probably will never regret the time I spent at home but could possibly the time I spent away. I don't know there needs to be some kind of balance to keep us all sane.
Absolutely understand your worries! I have a favorite video that I watch on occasion in remembrance of how sweet my little Harvey girl used to be. Some days I miss that smiley baby but like you say their independence gives us some of our independence back as well. Even if it's just an hour by myself to run an errand!
Our little guys are so close in age (Tommy just turned 22 months). Boy, do I feel you on this. He really started the terrible 2s around 19 months but it ramped up this past month. He's the king of tantrums and is supremely stubborn. I feel like everything has become a battle of wills. I really had a crisis moment after his first speech class last week. He screamed and thrashed around because he hated the transitioning between activities and though the teacher assured me all kids go through it, I still felt like somehow, I've done something wrong.
I have to admit, I really look forward to this stage passing as I feel so drained at the end of the day. So you aren't alone! We will get through this stage together!
Normal. Completely normal. You. Your feelings. Parker. All normal. Perhaps you will find this comes in waves. I know with Easton he would be perfect, happy, content and then one week, he'd just be OFF. I don't know what it was, terrible twos, health related, tired, but then just like that it would flip back off and he'd be my sweet Easton again. This is a very testing age. I think they TEST us to see how far they can get with us. Be firm, but stand your ground. This too is the age I started offering choices. You can quit whining now and have such and such or you can continue whining and sit in time out, or go to your room until you're finished. I think they just want to see if you are really the boss. Because they are, as you said, becoming more independent. Before they didn't care who was boss, but now they just need to see. Be firm. Be consistent. He'll love you no matter what.
And. Do those things you want to do. Get some fresh air. Get some girl time. It won't hurt. Says the mom who never does anything other than with her family. My guilt comes in from working outside the home. I think 'I'm not going to have a girls night, I've been away from him all day long'. It's lies though. What they will remember most is the time that you DID spend with him. And if you are refreshed and rejuvinated that time is going to be spent a lot better than when you are worn down.
Ok. Enough. I've gone on too far.
You're a great mom Bridge! Don't you ever doubt that!
xoxoxooxox
Bridget, I'm not a mom and won't be for quite a few years, but I have been reading your blog since long before Parker's birth. You are doing it right. You are a great mom. You'll be there for the important moments and you'll find ways to make your own important moments, too. I believe the fact that you even think about these things, that they can consume your thoughts speaks volumes about who you are as a mother. I hope you feel more peace about all of it soon. xo
Oh I can totally relate. My two yr old twin toddlers are a far cry from the happy babies they once were. It leaves me questioning myself and feeling like a failure most days. I too want some successes outside the home, and that makes me feel guilty. Like shouldn't I enjoy every single stage of their lives?! Ugh. I'm so glad I'm not the only one feeling this way.
http://www.rachelmakinglemonade.com
I am feeling the same anxiousness and questioning everything as my once sweet baby girl is a week away from turning 2 and has been in the throes of terrible two-dom for a few weeks now.
I feel like like I am living with a bipolar (paci)addict.
EXACTLY where you are right now with Finn. I think he switched overnight. He's a real pain in the ass to be around right now. Tate wasn't really this way (I'm chalking it up to her being a girl, but who knows?), so I'm thrown for a loop as well and feel like a first time mom as well! I'm not really sure what I'm doing. There almost ISN'T a day where he doesn't cry. In fact, I think there isn't a day where he hasn't cried by 10am!! Yeah:) It's real fun.
The only thing I'm praying for is good weather. I'm really hoping (and maybe you're feeling this too?) is that the more time we can spend outside, the happier he is. He gets real grumpy when we're cooped up in the house, and it's been so cold here, there's been a lot of indoor play. The sunshine makes everyone happier! I also plan on reading Love & Logic, as I've heard great things about it. Good Luck!! xoxo
You are definitely not alone! I'm still trying to figure all this out with my happy baby now suddenly 3 1/2 year old. There is a blog ahaparenting.com that is more about gentle parenting that you might find some helpful tools in. It's a lot easier for me to send my daughter to time out and to lose my temper…..but in the long run all it does it crank up the attitude she turns toward me and make us both feel sad. It's a long road I think, trying to figure it all out. Good luck! And every other night…that is the bedtime solution. Parker will likely ask for you on nights that it is Steve's turn but it is good for both of you. On dad nights I get my girl ready, so we have time together, and then on mom nights dad gets her ready so I don't have to do it all.
Oh, this is so nice to read! My little guy is 11 months old, still overall happy as a clam, but starting to get more moody when he doesn't get his way. Overall at this point I find it a bit funny, since I know his needs are being met and he's just crying because I won't let him play with the electric razor. But I'm sure it will just get worse as he gets more independent and discipline actually has to come into play.
The part that I totally relate to is how you are struggling with wanting to do so much but not sure what you will regret missing out on. I feel like he is so little and I want to enjoy this time to its fullest, which I totally am doing now, but I also don't want to forget about things that are important to me and to possibly do something a bit bigger in the world and outside of the home. The problem for me is that I'm not sure at all what I want to do really, or how to do it, and then when I do figure something out I get all scared that it might not be right. So even if we aren't on exxxactly the same page, I hear ya and am sure that there are lots more out there with similar feelings! đ
ditto. to what you wrote and to what everyone else commented! thank you all. i'm not as good with words as all of you, but i can totally relate to every single thing.
Yes and yes. Olivia has become the most whiny small person I've ever met. I had mixed emotions about time out because (as far as I can remember) my mom never used time outs. I thought they were weak sauce. But the other day Olivia freaked when I told her she could not play on the iPad. So I scooped her up and set her in her crib. A few minutes later when she had calmed down I got her out and she promised to be happy. The exact thing happened not two minutes later. And again two minutes after that one. But then it was almost magical. After three time outs (and a short explanation after each) she was quite pleasant and she helped me with cleaning the kitchen while the baby slept. I think we just need a break from each other when those tantrums are in full swing. Time for her to cool down and me to not beat her.
Yesterday my husband (who doesn't usually spend entire days with her) said, "I think she's tired!" No, she's 2.
These things are good for me to read. I am days away from having our first baby and I can already sense that I will want to do everything and be everything. I think I feel it even more knowing that I am going back to work. I still want to spend as much time with the baby, have a clean house, cook meals, have some "me" time, etc.
You are sooooo not alone on this one. I had my first child and it's like the heavens opened up. I loved it. I loved every moment. He was happy. He loved to eat, I made all his food. I nursed him and he napped and all was lovely. He was so innocent such a lovely child. I think I loved it a little too much, as I now have 3 babies, 3 and under but yes things rapidly changed. Ge went from eating my organic, homemade food to only wanting pizza and fried chicken. My daughter has tantrums that last an Hour at a time and I seriously question what have I done wrong? Kids!! They will be kids. If say try to let go a little. If he doesn't Want to eat then don't make him and dont worry about it. Kids will eat when they are hungry enough. I too struggled and continue to struggle raising toddlers. They are a handful. This too shall pass believe it or not:)
Is it weird that I worry about this all the time? Clara is only 5 months old and I seriously love every day with her…but I'm already super nervous about the toddler stage! Ah!
i'm a mother to a 14mo & i work fulltime, having returned to work when he was 3mo. i have never had reservations about being a working mom. luckily for me, my mom cares for him during the day while my husband & i work and she loves him completely and i feel confidant that he gets the best care ever with her. but recently my always happy baby has been learning how to throw tantrums, learning how to show & articulate emotion much more, & also has become attached to my hip. he wont let me leave his side, wont let me leave the room, doesnt want anybody else but me. it's heartbreaking for me because i feel that (maybe) he is having abandonment issues with me & acting out because of that. does he miss me during the day? does he want me around more? does he get sad when im not around? does me working fulltime make me a bad mom? does he think im a bad mom? i dont know. maybe all children act this way. maybe it has nothing at all to do with my working fulltime. i hope not. although we are coming from different sides of the spectrum, i completely get where you are coming from. its exhausting, emotional, confusing, etc. i hope it gets better for you and for us both. im sure it will.
Pregnant with my first, and thought I've not been through this, I already feel the need to do everything, and be there for everything…it's nice to have places like blogs where we can here other mom experiences =)
xo,
Katie
hellolittlebean.com
Last year I was a nanny to a 16 month old and he was in full sassy mode. His parents do not believe in any discipline. He acted like a hooligan when they were the ones in charge- because they let him. When I am was charge he did exactly as I said because he knew I don't deal with it. If you show Parker that it ain't gonna fly through a combination of positive reinforcement for good behavior and extinction (completely ignoring bad behavior) mixed with discipline only when necessary, he will eventually come around. I am a behavioral therapist for autistic children and every time there is a tantrum, I actually will grab a book off the shelf while they are screaming and throwing things and huffing and puffing. I do not make eye contact or acknowledge it and sometimes even read out loud happily to myself and laugh at the book. It only takes about 1 minute and they realize I could care less and give up and calm down. Then they want to know what I am reading and laughing at! With extinction, there is always a burst where things temporarily get cahraazzzzyyyy in a last ditch effort to get your attention. After the burst, the behavior begins to diminish. Sorry for waxing poetic with all this technical stuff. đ
3's are harder. At least it has been that way with all 3 of my kids. And I am in the midst of dealing with the 3's right NOW! Fits make me sad too. We do time-outs. And what I love about the fit-throwing is right after it Colton says "I sorry I mad, momma" and hugs me and kisses me and then we go about an hour or two until the next incident. LOL! It will get better đ
I also have the problem of wanting to do it ALL! But sometimes we need to let go and be ourselves without a kid attached to us. You are doing a great job!!
I used to teach preschool and now I nanny a 28 month old boy who has all of a sudden fallen in love with the word "no" and sporadic tantrums. He was the same way–the easiest baby. Happy, compliant, only cried with me one time when I forgot to put his favorite lovey in his crib for nap. Now he cries if I don't give him a "green banana" because the yellow ones are too mushy. It's just the age, I think. They are realizing they have opinions and they want to express them. They want to see how we will react. The best thing I've read lately in relation to kids and parenting is Bringing Up BĂŠbĂŠ…American mom raises her kids in France and notices striking differences in parenting practices. I don't agree with everything said about American parenting (God knows my mom never made any "special request" dinners for any of us), but it is a good read with some interesting insights.
I'm sure you're doing fine. I always figure the most important ingredient in parenting is love and you've got plenty of that.
I'm of no help with the baby to toddler thing, but I am pumped about the new playlist. Thanks!
it annoys me how much i can relate to some of your lines in the post, even with an 8 month old. best of luck to you.
as if we didn't already know this… you and me… same cloth.
i could go on and on and on about the similarities. but there's no need and i know you know… ditto.
xx
i wanted to reply to each one of you but my comment thread is acting wonky – on my end – wanted to be sure to thank each one of you for your comments today… whether it was advice or just relating to me, it means a lot. so grateful for you all! thank you so much!
Oh so true. She was so perfectly happy, every single day. Now it's like everything is a little tantrum filled with so many opinions on every little thing. It's a hard time. We're here together
Thanks for this post. I'm a first-time mom of an 18-month old and we've been going through a lot of changes too. I loved the baby stage more than I expected. He was so cute and happy. He's still cute but seems to be hitting the "terrible two's" early. It can be very frustrating but I've been trying to focus on the fun aspects of this age. Anyway, just my two cents. Mostly wanted to thank you for expressing well the ebb and flow of parenthood. I expect many more changes are headed as our toddlers continue to develop.
You are not alone. I used to tell everyone that my 2.5 year old was the best companion ever. Now, i am not so sure. At her gymnastics class the other day, she yanked my glasses off of my face and hit me on the head while sobbing about having to come off the trampoline! I was so embarrassed! I am also itching to do things for myself now. I would love to finish my PhD, do some writing…anything really that will give me back my sense of self. I love my daughter with all of my heart, but some days all i can do is cry or scream at her. I treasure the days when she is her sweet, sweet self. This too shall pass, yes!
Oh the tantrums! I feel you there! (I have a 19 month old. And boy do we have the tantrums. And my 3 year-old little girl. . . well she skipped the tantrums and went straight to the "I'm 13 so I can do everything by myself. . .and I'm sassy. Oh vey. Help me, Jesus!)
I think getting out of the house and having "me time" is a GOOD thing! It keep us stay at home mommies SANE!!
Hang in there! Hope it gets better soon!
xo,
Christen
ChristenKrumm.com
I think you stole my thoughts…haha! I find myself playing "Changes" by David Bowie in my head at least once a week. You definitely hit it on the head with this post about the many faces of parenthood.
Love this post. I totally feel ya. I have a three year old and a four month old, and I wonder if I'll ever feel like I'm doing it right or soaking it up enough.
Bri, I am right where you are with AOI. you took the words out of my mouth. thanks for sharing
Yup, been there 4 times. It is sad. And learn to let him not eat your meals. It will only end in frustration. The best you can do is present him with food at snack and meal time. But if you try and force it, you've lost the battle before it's begun- trust me. Kids should be unpredictable eaters; it's healthy! Good luck! It only gets worse, then better then worse then better from here on out!
hey. so you're a great mama, and you know it. that's exactly what this is…growing pains. this was the time that was hard for me and owen as well. letting go of expectations, and realizing that he's growing up. Just love him. hard. and have a glass of wine. remember to be true to yourself. motherhood is the most important, but not your only role as a woman. do what makes you happy. otherwise, you'll regret it. also. i don't know anything. xx
it's funny how you wake up one day and all of a sudden you have energy and creative juice that was all focused on one person up until then. i went back to work (a little) at 18 months. a switch just flipped. i was completely happy being home all the time and then i needed to do just a little more. overnight.
http://www.your-fonder-heart.blogspot.com/2013/03/worst-mother-in-world-episode-1.html
i also should say that there were growing pains for me between 18-24 months, at 2, all of a sudden, my daughter became the best best best ever. better than anything before. all the conversation and jokes she started making and how sweet and loving she became. sweet phases pass and it's sad but really really great ones are always coming.
oooh my gosh. i just saw my future in a way i'd never looked at it before! guess i'll triple up on the savoring of my happy baby time. life goes too fast! but i guess as they're growing, we are too, huh đ
THIS —-> I think, "No, I want to be the one to put him to bed. He wants me to put him to bed, to rock him to sleep, and I want to be there for him." I want to do it all. I'm afraid wanting to do it all means doing it all but doing none of it well. And then, I fear regrets. Am I going to regret devoting time to other things? Am I going to look back and think I missed out on something pretty important?
I don't have any advice on the subject. but I echo these sentiments. it's so hard to find a balance. i've never known a guilt like mom guilt. Even if I leave for an appointment, I feel guilt. like I should be home with him, and then doubly guilty because someone is taking time out of their day to be with him (even though they enjoy it). I worry the whole time during weddings unfortunately… is he taking the bottle? is he miserable? will he go down without me? But I also want him to enjoy his time with other people, and not just be familiar with me alone. ah, and i'm babbling!
what a wise lady told me recently was how she's OK with things moving slowly in her career. And as much as I want it all right now, I have come to terms that it's a marathon not a sprint. I have to take on a lot less right now, but one day I'll take on more. And a lot less might not be worse for my career, or yours, because you get to be choosy. okay, now i'm realllllly babbling.
love you B! you're a remarkable mama and you'll get through this with flying colors.
SUCH good advice on the career moving slowly. it's true. patience. marathon. thanks for the comment sarah đ
Oh, Bridget. I am right there with you. Keller is defiantly proclaiming his will these days, accompanied with hitting and resounding "NO!'s" and I want so much to go back to those sweet baby days….I promise it will get better. Everything is a season, I have to tell myself. I will tell you a secret…from experience, working one day a week at Anthropologie is really therapeutic! đ