Steve and I were talking this weekend about how it’s harder to raise kids these days than it used to be. We imagine it is, anyway, since we can’t speak first hand to it. I’m fairly certain my Mom would attest to this too–that it sure seems harder these days as she watches her four daughters do it. I could come up with a variety of reasons why this is so, but the one I’m mainly talking about is fear.
Fear.
I hate that I’m even admitting this (mostly I hate that it’s true) but, though I try my best to appear all laid back and fun loving, I let fear take its grip on me way too often. I’ve mentioned this before in my post on babies and germs, but I didn’t go into as much detail as I could have. I didn’t talk about how when I think about flying across the country, I picture myself on that plane, Parker on my lap, and wonder: How many germs will there be? And will he catch something serious? Could I wipe down the things he’ll touch before he touches them? I didn’t talk about how when I see instagrams of young kids riding the subways of NYC, I wonder: Could I? Are those Moms crazy like me and do they make their kids wash their hands right after getting off? When I read an article about Triple E being discovered nearby, I make a mental note: Go inside before dusk. When I come across an article about the hazards of pesticides on apples, I remember: Buy organic apples only. When Parker has a rash, I study it carefully: Is it serious? Or is it just from sunscreen or sweat? I tell myself to stay off Google. I mostly fail at this.
It sucks. Living like there’s some teetering anvil over your head is just no way to live. I wasn’t raised in a bubble. How’d I get this way? I didn’t wash my hands incessantly, I wasn’t told, “Don’t eat that!” “Careful that the bee doesn’t sting you in case you are allergic!” “We can’t go to the beach in case of THE RIP TIDE!” I just lived. Disease and mosquitoes and junk food existed then too. I’m sure I got colds and sore throats but I came out of them alive. So, I ask again, how’d I get this way?
We’re all living in this world of so much sharing. The media tells us every time a child is kidnapped or a person dies of West Nile. Headlines warn us of sharks off the Cape. Facebook statuses share stories of an illness in the family with a request for prayer. Emails deliver the news of a young, healthy mother, given months to live. Terrorism, flu shots, transplants, MRSA, meningitis, drunk driving (or, worse yet: texting while driving!), miscarriages, shootings (even at movie theatres! Is there no place safe?).
It’s all too much. There is a beauty in the sharing, yes. Finding refuge in another’s story is sacred. Discovering common ground. The same sharing that can create the fear allows for that too. And don’t get me wrong, there is so much good in that. So much good in the support system that can be built through our ability to quickly and efficiently share information these days. But it seems to have made me a worrier. Such a worrier that, I’m afraid, it robs my joy at times. Surely all of these things (or most, anyway) have existed for years. There’ve been sharks off the Cape before, yes? And kidnappings before, right? And some other God-forsaken mosquito-spread illness, correct? We just know everything now. Nothing bad ever goes unreported. And I’m sick of letting it handicap me.
I’m just not entirely sure of how to make it stop. For now, I’m praying.
Any of you struggle with the same things?
Absolutely. Again, could have written this. I got on an anxiety medicine for a while and it helped but i wanted another baby and it's just not practical to stay on those forever. Then my baby was born with heart problems and is getting open heart surgery to rearrange his anatomy – something I couldnt have protected him from- so it hit me… God has a plan for all of us. His plan is greater than ours. I cant offset his plan. And those three sentences have become my mantra. It does make it easier to deal but I have to be very intentional on living this every day or the fear creeps back in just as strong as ever. Hope that maybe gives you the comfort it's given me.
I think all mothers struggle with this. A quote I keep repeating to myself is from Michael J. Fox(!) who so wisely said: "If you worry about something, and it actually happens, then you have lived it twice." How true!
I also play a game with myself: I try to picture my life as the Ocean. And every worry I have is a pebble. Then I imagine myself tossing that pebble into the ocean, and realize what a small splash it makes compared to the big, huge, wonderful life I have!
after these two wise comments all i can think of is this:
Worry is like a rocking chair–it gives you something to do but it doesn't get you anywhere.
Sorry I know this doesn't help at all but at least its funny? kinda funny?
I feel the same way! My fear comes from thinking about my baby and the world she is going to grow up in… for instance kidnapping, social unrest, GMO foods, etc. I seriously have dreams of living off the grid with my little family- growing our own food, meat, etc. There is just too much of everything now- I wish life would go back to being simple (if it ever really was? It had to be… it is so complicated now!) Love your blog and just read your About section- hubby and I are fellow James Taylor lovers too!
1. You are not alone–most definitely. My husband and I chat about this constantly with different things. My fears center around (a) kidnapping and (b) certain death/lower IQ from junk food or nonorganic food. I am convinced if my daughter is outside alone for one second, someone will certainly kidnap her, because kidnappings are RAMPANT according to the news and the Amber alerts I get on my phone. My husband feels the same about open windows at night (thank you Richard Allen Davis for that one). And all the media around organic food is just overwhelming and stressful, as much as it is informative and necessary.
So not that I have turned your comments into my own little therapy session, I can say YES, I worry about these things too, and YES I blame the stupid media overload we live with.
(2) That quote from Tessa Ross is something I need to write on my hand in Sharpie. So wise that Alex P. Keegan.
I too worry a lot…worry about my kids dying or getting sexually molested (my worst fear ever). But wise council once said, "Remove any of your fear with faith. Trust the power of God to guide you."
Um, I don't have kids, BUT I am so deathly afraid of hotels (and the germs there!) that this past weekend, while at the beach, I had an anxiety attack when we stepped into our hotel room. I made my husband drive to Target at 11PM and buy me a blanket that I could wrap myself in, thereby avoiding touching any and all hotel sheets. I didn't sleep one wink all night. I don't know how to get over it, either.
You are not alone! I feel the same way…I actually almost left vacation a few weeks ago because I thought the house we rented was just too "gross". (It was fine, I'm just SO picky and really germ-a-phobic, especially since I have a crawler!). These feelings get to be overwhelming at times, and I've actually been seeing a therapist (it helps!).
Realizing that we can't protect our children from everything is a hard cup to swallow. The best we can do is love them and let them live. I can only imagine that this gets more and more difficult as they get older.
Yep. This is the post you were talking about. I know ALL about it.
Girl. All we can do is pray. And really, that's PLENTY. We say 'all' as if it's well, just throw in the towel…but praying is the most important thing we can do. ever.
Fear of tomorrow robs us of todays joy. Don't let it. I'm talking to me too. My fear isn't germs. It's dying. And not because I"m afraid of where I'm going, because that is certain, but what would I do if L & E died, or who would take care of E if me or L died. Who would know that #24 on CD1 in my truck is the Duck Song, and who'd push repeat on #30 so he could hear the 'pizza yady song'. Who would know that he likes heart shaped peanut butter and jelly. They'd have to figure it out. And that makes me sad. Brings me to tears really, as I type this.
It's so hard. Being a mother. Being a parent. SO many new emotions. All these burdens that we carry because we love our kiddos so much keep us from living in the full joy that they are. What blessings they are to us. A friend once said to me, "God gave you Easton to be a joy, not a burden, and right now you are allowing him to be a burden by worrying.". I'd never want to think of Easton as a burden. So that helps me sometimes when I'm having those moments of worry. Maybe it will help you too.
Hugs from afar momma! I KNOW the feeling!!!!!
xoxoxooxoxoxo
Thanks for sharing your vulnerability. These ladies have left some wise words. And like you mentioned in your post, THIS is the good that comes from so much sharing. Hearing other people's stories and relating to them and helping one another. I am a new mom too and have to conciously NOT let my mind travel to the scary places. Otherwise my brain plays a video of all the terrible things that might go wrong with my baby girl or her daddy or me. Literally like watching a terrible movie in my head. It's hard, so so hard, but I try to heed my dad's advice, don't worry about what you can't control. Like the Michael J Fox quote, which I had never heard, but love. Don't live something bad twice! If only things were as easily done as said 🙂
i think i have become more fearful ever since i got pregnant–whether that little bit of camembert i had before i knew will make a difference.
these thoughts drive me crazy and i realised came from an information overload from the pregnancy books i was reading. things i hadn't even considered became a real possibility and the book made it sounds like it would happen to me.
so what did i do stop reading the books. life is too short and a lot of the time we can't control everything anyway no matter how hard we try. so i am trying to relax and not think about it…well not all the time anyway 😉
Recently I have been increasingly fearful of child predators. On the metro a few weeks ago, we were crammed in and Behr's stroller was near a scruffy, dirty looking man. He waved to Behr and that was all it took for Behr to engage. Behr handed him his curious george sticker and then man put it back on Behr's leg, and then the man rubbed Behr's leg, just a bit. I wanted to scream and recoil, but I was stuck. I couldn't even reach Behr's leg because of how we were positioned. It was so crowded. Fortunately the man got off at the next stop. When we got home, I wiped down all of Behr's exposed skin and changed his clothes, as if that would change things. But I also wanted to remain incredibly calm so that Behr didn't think anything was wrong.
The man's face has been giving me nightmares. I let that happen…and it wasn't really anything. But it did invade my family. In front of my own eyes. I was paralyzed. And I can't believe I just wrote all of this in your comment section, because I haven't told anyone about it – not Mark, not my mom, I think because of shame.
It makes me so scared of what else I won't be able to stop.
It also has giving me balls on the metro. I have started asking people to move, so I can position Behr's stroller along a wall or divider so I can stand guard on the other side of him. So now I am just a crazy rude working-mom, clearly being judged by all, when I ride the metro.
I totally hear you, this is a conversation in our family ALOT. We do not have kids yet, but I have a big fear of any kind of "accident”. I blame this on having a large imagination? I can come up with some crazy scenarios, and they just scare the crap out of me! For some reason I have this notion that if I am more aware than others of the dangers, then surely it will not happen to us, but then I look/sound neurotic. I agree, all I can do it pray and realize I am not in control of everything, and as painful as it might be…he will get us through it… I have to repeat this daily.
When I am filled with anxiety, I repeat one of my favourite verses.
"oh Lord, when my anxious thought multiply within me your consolation soothes my soul"
I think it's from psalms. I love it. It is my go-to verse when my baby was in surgery, and it will be on my heart again next week for his next surgery.
to all: thanks so much for these comments. some of you have real battles in your lives — baby's health and such — and my heart goes out to you. really. i love that michael j. fox quote… it's so true! i'm going to keep it close and continue praying.
xoxo
bridget
yes, yes, yes. i don't have kids, so that territory is unknown to me, but i just got married, and greg has a huge history of the men in his family dying before the age of 50 of heart failure. my mom died of cancer when I was 14, so I always wonder about the things (everything) that people tell you can be carcinogenic. the whole staying off google thing is so hard, but I've basically decided the same thing you have- just to pray and ask for peace and to be responsible for the things i'm truly responsible for. this post was so meaningful, bridget- thanks for writing.
Yes i most definitely do! But not about all the same things. The germ thing doesn't really cross my mind that often. I carry antibacterial and wash my hands all the time, but I don't think about it much. However, I am gripped with fear when i am in a parking lot taking to long to buckle Gemma in. Or when we are at the ocean, pool or even while she's taking a bath. Or when she is eating something (anything!) that could get stuck. See, we could all go on and on and on.
But mostly i pray a lot about this stuff too! And I constantly work to surrender my trust for her life over to the Lord, because really he's the one watching out for her all the time. i trust that he loves us and pray that he will guard and protect her life. (heavy comment i know! gonna go hug my baby now!)
Ugh, I hear you on this one! As my Steve and I look to starting a family I am so nervous of all the things that can go wrong! I work in genetics and hearing all of the crazy things that happen to kids scares me to death. When parents call me and start with, well i googled, i want to scream! It is so dangerous to have so much information out there! My nephew was diagnosed with cancer at 3 months old, and if you look up neuroblastoma, the outcomes are very poor. I kept telling his mom, don't look online, people only put bad things on there. Sure enough he is fine now, tumor removed, no chemo, but there aren't stories on that online. People want what some doctors refer to as medical porn. It is the most gruesome worst of the worst. Remember that when you webmd your symptoms and self diagnose yourself. And I will try to take that same advise…
This is exactly what I'm dealing with today… and I hate it. I'm not an over-worrier, but I think the devil knows exactly where to come after us. And yes- praying and turning it over to the Lord is the only way to fight it!
Thank you for sharing this! I seriously feel like I am fighting being agoraphobic because I have turned into such a mess about being afraid of everything. I too just have to give it to the Lord and put it in his hands and that helps a lot. Something that also helps me is self talk. I tell myself "Bring it back to the minute". I ask myself in my head: "Is my family safe and healthy at this very minute?" Almost always the answer is "yes", so I make myself calm down and it has helped me a ton. Good Luck!
I don't know how applicable my comment would be on here since I'm not a mother and, although I can relate, I'm coming from a difference place, but I have to say that I have the firm belief that things will be okay. You do the right thing, and things will turn out all right. I have faith that there is a plan and I'm ready to take upon that challenge and fulfill whatever it may be. Bad things will happen, but as long as I'm doing the right thing, I'll be okay.
Now, I also believe everyone has their agency and you can't stop people from doing bad things. And because of that bad things happen to good people. That's part of the plan, also, and I have faith that I can find comfort in Christ.
Every single night before I fall asleep, I have to lie there with my eyes closed and do breathing exercises and count down from 100 so that I can fall asleep without worrying someone is going to take him in the night.
Every night.
I am not afraid of germs or kids spreading colds, etc. It builds up their immune systems!
When you mentioned the plane, I wasn't thinking about germs. I was thinking about Grey's Anatomy. What if the plane crashes? Sorry if you will think about that now.
And speaking of the rashes…my 2.5 year old has had 3 rashes in a little over a month. We don't have our Pediactric Allergist appointment until the end of this month.
I am afraid of not letting my kids go so they can explore and make mistakes. I am afraid that I won't teach them the right way on how to deal with life. The good and the bad. I am afraid that they will end up on a couch telling their therapist how much I ruined them and that I am the worst mom ever. I fear that so much more than germs.
You are a really good mom. And being a mom means you wear your heart outside of your chest. Which makes you a worrier.
i don't have kids yet, but i think my biggest fear will be strangers/kidnapping…i am positive i will need an alarm system installed in our house. and even then if it goes off accidentally? i will have a heart attack. there are a lot of great quotes/ideas in the comments…i will need to keep these in mind.
You are not alone! I do my best to avoid the news and anything that may make me worry more than I need to! I think that being a Mom makes it so much harder no to worry! I just sent to oldest off to his first day of school; I sobbed profusely mostly out of fear. I think that the world is moving so quickly that people are losing control. I look back at the way my parents and grandparents lived and I think that they were on to some thing. They still had there hardships, but they lived simpler lives and enjoyed the important things. The "good old days" as my Grandpa would call them seem pretty great! Some time progression isn't always the best thing and I think in today's society are need for wanting more in all aspects of life has really made it hard to live somewhat obliviously and just enjoy!
Oh, lord. Yes. I do struggle. I struggled before I had children and now that I have 3, it's a weekly, maybe even daily, struggle.
I happen to think some people are a bit more predisposed to it than others, not that it means something terrible, but maybe those who are visually creative (quick and dense imaginative capabilities), and neurotic, and like to solve things.
Of course all of these things have existed, in some sense, more or less, throughout history. And it isn't simple.
But I guess we have to casually, and light-heartedly, work with the information we've got, knowing most things can't ever be controlled, especially when our time is up, in some sense.
Maybe that sounds morbid. But this is really just a struggle for me, also.
(And I've had home births, and my three children have collectively visited the doctor less than 10 times in their entire lives – so that's like, 2-3 times per child!) But still, they get a fever, and I figure out, through Google, that it could possible be meningitis. And then later, they're fine. So, I mean, really, who knows.
Maybe it comes about because of guilt. Thinking we have more responsibility than we actually do, over the psychos, the perverts, the germs. And we don't. We just do what we can.
I've started letting my 4 and 6 year old go together, in public places, to the bathroom…you know, where I can't see them. And I wait, with the baby, at Whole Foods or a restaurant or a park or whatever, and they always come back. I don't think it's irresponsible. I really don't. I want them to have freedom, and independence, and to be capable.
Anyhow…thanks for this.
And you're right, so right. The information age is all too much. All too much.
Yes! It's so hard to filter it all.
Worrying seems to come with the territory of being a parent these days. I would agree the media doesn't help. I was having a fine day the other day until I heard on the news about another pertussis outbreak. That one has been difficult to deal with when having a baby in the winter but I figured with warmer weather we were in the clear.
ooooo do i struggle with this. not just the fear of the physical stuff like sickness and injuries, but emotional damage and a deep rooted fear that someone is going to kidnap my children. i shudder just thinking about it. my husband and i were just talking about how commonplace psych disorders seem to be (for children and for people my children may be affected by) and concluded that maybe that is because our community is not just the neighbors near us any more but the whole electronic world that these fears are substantiated because we see so much, not that there is more to see.
no solutions here. just chimming in really. i think maybe i just added fuel to the worry-fire? i hope not.
Oh, my… how I do struggle with this. I am a germophobe, so there's that (terrified of stomach bugs, particularly… how on earth can you stop kids from getting those, though!). And then of course I worry about how I can possibly protect my baby from all the chemicals/toxins floating around in this current day world. It is so overwhelming, especially as I discover almost daily some new "source" of these pollutants that I feel so vehemently I need to protect him from. Food, toys, crib mattress, car seat, stroller, the carpet, wall paint… ahhhhh! It's too much. And yet I feel responsible to protect him as much as I can, so I keep researching and figuring out how to reduce our exposure as a family to such things.
But seriously, I think it often robs my enjoyment of each day and each moment (when I'm constantly thinking or saying "eek! don't lick that/eat that/touch that"). I'm not sure where the happy "middle ground" is between protecting him and letting him explore and live life fully.
Thanks for making me feel like I'm not alone.
Yep. This is why I can't pay attention to the news. I don't watch local news ever. If something is important I rely on my husband to tell me. The news makes my fears worse, so I just avoid it. I am happier and less stressed out.
I don't have kids and I also don't have a fear of germs. Big spiders & bugs, yes but germs-no. I've never gotten a flu shot, I don't open doors with a paper towel when leaving the bathroom and if I am handling raw meat and then I touch something else in my kitchen, I don't always wipe that object right away. I do clean doorknobs and faucets if one of us has been sick. I ride a train to work every day (and you know the trains in Boston) and I don't get wigged out about the germs unless I see someone sneeze on something. I like to think I'm testing my immune system on a regular basis.
@meghan, i'm with you! i avoid the news entirely (easy now that we got rid of tv!).
@jennifer, your immune system will thank you! i'm not weird about germs for MYSELF… it's parker that's made me this way. i blame him! 😉
definitely! i think every mom struggles with this on some level. how could we not? our little ones are out in the world discovering things and some are good and some are bad. we love them and would do whatever in our human power to protect them. i relate to this on so many levels and it goes even deeper. i've seen friends lose their babies, and think "could i lose him?" what would i do? praying for myself also! thanks for being so honest and writing this out.
Honestly, I don't think as much about germs as I should. It sounds like you might have anxiety. Have you thought of talking to a doctor about it? I hope that doesn't come off wrong, but I know I've heard if you are worrying about something (like germs) more than 1-2hrs a day you should talk to your doc.
Again, I really hope that you're not offended. I know I worry, but it sounds like you might be struggling with it.
@marjorie, I'm not offended! you have a point! I will say that it comes and goes and is often not as bad as it sounds here! I have already flown with Parker, in fact, without freaking out (surprise!). But it's definitely an anxiety for me so you're not off base with your suggestion!
Your words could be my words, I am gripped with fear at the same things. The immediacy of text messages. I remember a time when my friends and I called each other, and you didn't wait for someone to text "on your way," and then worry when they didn't show up promptly. That never used to happen..
I am guilty of the webmd-ing and googling problems also which always makes my anxiety sore through the roof as I wait for the results to appear.
I agree, there is good in being connected, but yes, it is too much. I think the solution for me is finding a way to unplug and keep my worries small and around me, as selfish as that might sound, because otherwise there is too far for worries to go.
totally! in my time of teaching prenatal yoga i've had students deal with miscarriage, stillborns, emergency c-sections, very premature babies etc. honestly, it makes me afraid to have a baby. if i didn't know all of these stories, i would be ok. but don't get me wrong, i'm blessed to know these women and teach them yoga throughout their pregnancies, it's just overwhelming sometimes!
Oh yesssss. I ended up convincing myself that I had MRSA and had given it to my baby (considering I had no symptoms, I think this was a classic case of GoogleFear, brought on by a desire to figure out if there was a disease that could possibly in any circumstance maybe make me stop breastfeeding) . It took a half hour of my husband holding me and rubbing my hair for me to get to sleep that night…and all because of a stupid Internet site.
This is a really interesting post. Have you ever watched Bowling for Columbine?
I have recently for the first time and the crux of Michael Moore's film is not (as some harp on about) guns. It's about America (he said it) creating a culture of fear.
People in America are afraid. The media instills fear. It tells you to beware of the big bad bogeyman. According to Michael Moore, America needs to create an enemy (be it the communists or Al Quaeda or the end of the world or flesh-eating viruses etc.) as a means of control. If people are afraid they are easy to control.
This is what I got out of the film anyway … just thought I'd pop it into the debate!
i FEEL you on this..not in the baby sense (clearly) but in the fear/worry/anixety that something bad will happen, horrible diseases will be caught, horrible accidents, etc etc. If stephen doesnt answer his phone, or call when he says he will i go into a complete dibilitating state of panic. And no, not in a psycho obsessive fiance way..but im completely stricken with fear in the worst kind of way. my heart races, horrible thoughts fill my head, i cry…and i cant function until I KNOW he is okay.
thats obviously not normal.
thanks for giving me space to put that out there in the public. 😉
love you.
I dislike adding comments to a post that already has enough opinion but anyways….
I was a major germ-a-phobe when I was younger partly due to the fact that my mom had cancer. So for us germs + sickness + more time in the hospital = bad, bad news.
I met a guy this past spring who lives in AFRICA — mother-load of germs. I visited him and his family the month of August. And guess what??? I didn't get sick once!
I came to realize that God created the human body with an incredible defense system. It's okay. Germs are okay. I can fight off illness especially if I live healthy + eat healthy + and take care of the body God has given me.
So Parker will be fine and the more you expose him to, the stronger he'll be.
B – as you can see, you are not alone! But the common advice seems to be: pray and have faith. He has a plan for all of us and there is nothing we can do to prevent these things from happening.
I try not read the newspapers or watch the news as much as I used to so that we don't have to engage with these problems and worries on a daily basis – but at the same time, we can't live without knowing at all.
As an individual, we will always worry about ourselves, our friends and family. As a partner, you will worry about your spouse and as parents, you will worry even more about your children (as they are your responsibility) but all you can do is be careful and cautious but enjoy life – and don't let the devil creep in.
You are an amazing mom, and all will be ok.
x
I struggle with FEAR. I just took 39 eighth graders to listen to Mitt Romney…I had FEAR. What would I do if a shooter was in the crowd;how could I save my kids?
I absolutely agree with everything in this whole post. I struggle with all these fears constantly and I don't even have any children to worry about. I can't imagine the day far in the future that I do and then the fear becomes 10x worse. I think praying is really all we can do to overcome it.
what a wonderful world we are living, i still wonder this spell caster how he did it!!!
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I don't have kids but I can only imagine the fear and paranoia I will have. I read this article recently – it has a pretty good perspective on germs. http://chriskresser.com/dirt-a-paleo-superfood
But you're right, prayer is the best approach.
every day!
You are not alone. Fear is my main struggle in parenting. It's a difficult job. I was given three children to care for and protect. It seems like there are so many threats to protect them from. It overwhelms me at times. I do worry a lot!
Oh man, you hit the nail on the head. It's the oversharing and the media reporting every single bad thing that's making it seem like everything is so much worse than it is. I grew up never fearing disease and car accidents and cancer, and now I'm constantly terrified of it all it seems. I don't have kids, but I can imagine the fear is only magnified.
Ditto. I have mass anxiety all the time.
Just catching up on your post. I am so afraid. About stuff much bigger then germs, oh I wish it was just germs. More about limited natural resources, global population, our abuse to the planet, pollution, you know, the really really big stuff. Will everything be "ok" during my lifetime? Slim maybe, but my children, I really don't think so. I have the weight of, "How can I save him" on my shoulders, and it is soo heavy. I think about all this, everyday, all day. I'm glad I'm not the only one, but what are we going to do? One of the most dramatic changes I felt after my son was born was the feeling of constant worry.