Elizabeth and I were talking nature vs. nurture the other day over e-mail. Our e-mails are not always this heavy. In fact, more often than not, they’re me asking her some blogger HTML question which she undoubtedly has the answer for. Or sending her a picture of something I pinned saying, “Um, like, is this easy to sew? Could I do this?” And she’ll encourage me saying, “Yes! And here’s a quickie how-to.”
I haven’t sewn yet.
This particular e-mail thread was nature and nurture and what does it all mean? This is a question I’ve thought of a million times and talked through with my sisters, with Steve, now with Elizabeth too.
Which is bigger? Which takes precedence over the other? Can we do everything right with our babies and yet still have nature screw us over?
I have three older sisters. The two oldest are only 18 months apart. Thus, you could argue that they were raised and disciplined and nurtured and loved nearly the same way at the same time by the same parents. They are so different though. Another example – Nathaniel and Jordan. Close in age. Same parents. Same upbringing, same time period. So different.
There’s not an easy answer. Try as I might to find one, I don’t think I will. A kid with the shittiest of upbringings can turn out to be valedictorian, the kid with loving parents who doted on him can turn out to be the drug-addict.
(I can’t come up with an example of nurture winning out. I mean, they exist. It’s just impossible to prove.)
Back to nature winning out, if this is the case, then we should probably get off the back of the Mom who’s toddler-son is a little hellion on the playground. Cause, ya know, he was born that way. No amount of nurture is gonna change him.
(But no! We will surely judge her, won’t we? Lack of discipline! No boundaries!)
(And for the record, I’d be right there with you, shaking my head and assuming the role of judger.)
NATURE? NURTURE? WHICH IS IT?
I turned out okay (I mean, I think I turned out better than okay, but at the risk of tooting my own horn here I’ll say ‘okay’). Loving parents? Check. A solid household? Check. My needs met? Check. So, I turned out okay because they did things right or because I was born with the brain I have?
Maybe it’s 50/50?
How much does nurture matter? I want to believe it matters a lot. So badly. Of course – because this is what I have control over. I want to believe that the love I have for my kids is shaping them to be loving adults who don’t seek acceptance in the wrong places but always know that my arms are a safe place to return to, to talk things through, to feel validated.
Psh. I guess we’ll never know. I’ll still try to get the nurture part down though.
My feelings, for what its worth, is that I don't think we as parents have much to do with our children's choices in the long run, but we can surely teach them manners and boundaries by setting rules and consequences. If they have it in their nature to be hellions we can at least step in and keep them from hurting other children while they are young. I wouldn't want to be a judgy mom, but I wouldn't want my daughter around that kind of kid either.
Keep nurturing and teaching, I think it has more of an affect than we can measure.
First time commenter here. As far as nature vs. nurture goes, I have a great example. We have friends who are very busy with life and their kids are not a first priority. The kids are at daycare every day and most weekends, too. My husband and I do what we can for the little ones (taking them to play, bringing them to our house, focusing on them when we go to their home, etc) and it's AMAZING the difference in their attitudes when they are with us vs. their parents. Not to toot our horns, but I believe the attention we give them, plus our calm demeanor really makes them chill out (because they go nuts around their parents and don't listen which I really believe is them just trying to get some attention) and they listen to us. They are respectful and so sweet and fun. Yet their parents never see that side of them because they don't slow down long enough to enjoy their kids. So they're constantly stressed and overwhelmed and the house is in chaos. To me, this would be a great example of nurture. However, who knows when nature will take over as they get older. But I have seen how when basic needs are met in a child, they thrive on it. I'm not a parent, but this is a situation my husband and I have been part of for four years now, so I have a little experience with kiddos. Hope this helps. Or not. Maybe it just makes things more confusing. Ha!
Good thoughts girl. I like a post that gets my noggin moving.
I think we are all born completely unique with inherent strengths and weaknesses ya know? And that as parents we should treat and discipline and love each kid uniquely….because everyone interprets love differently. Not everyone learns the same way. I think that this is why even kids with wonderful parents can turn out unsavory. That combined with outside bad influences. Also – I think that a lot of times we don't see what is behind closed doors ya know? Things can look great on the outside but be really sad and broken on the inside.
My goal for our kids is to really see them and listen to who they tell me they are so I can respond accordingly.
But who I am really? I'm a 28 year old new Mom…so I could be totally wrong.
I like what the other commenters had to say here too. Good stuff.
I like what the other commenters had to say here too. Good stuff.
I have no real profound answer to this question except that kids react to their parents no matter what, it's just that how they react is completely up to their own spirit.
This question makes my head explode! Especially with our little guy and with thinking of it in terms of adoption. We know more than most about his "nature" but we still don't know a lot and so I could drive myself batty thinking about this. In the end, how children turn out is how they're going to turn out. All we can do is be the best mommies we can be. And you're absolutely doing that.
Bridget, have you read Bringing Up Bebe yet? It doesn't not address this question specifically, however, the insights of the book may help your thought process here. I can send it to you if you want. Just let me know.
p.s. Behr is a happy-go-lucky, laidback, outgoing kid, with a stressed out frantic mom. Needlesstosay, I am beyond grateful that nature is currently winning in our house. I litterly burst into tears when I think about how often I ask him to be quiet or stop fussing.
ah, stupid grammatical error. ignore the double negative. the "not" should not be there.
Ah, yes. The thing that keeps me up at night. I believe in nature when I'm scared that Jack is going to BE that bully on the playground. I believe in nurture when I believe that by starting him out on good foods now, he'll never be a picky eater. But you're right – regardless, we can still go all out with the nurture part and just hope for the best.
I seriously wonder this all the time. I always think it's a little of both, but then all of a sudden the nature takes over and all hell breaks loose. Thanks for the good read this morning!
I absolutely think its a little of both, but nurture is SO important and absolutely shapes how a person will turn out. I have two sisters. We are all SO different and I was the so-called "rebel child" and did a lot of, shall we say, sketchy things in my teenage/college years that my sisters would never dream of doing. However, now we are all "growed up" so to speak and we all have good morals, values, families, lives…which I think is a huge testament so how my parents raised us. Yes I went through a rebellious phase but ultimately, I came back and ended up being the person my parents raised me to be instead of being "lost" forever. And it IS because of their nurturing growing up. I have a wonderful relationship with both my parents and like my counselor has often told me, "kids are shaped and molded to be how they end up for the rest of their lives by the time they reach 5 years old." Which is why those first few years are so critical in raising a child and giving him the love and security they need. Definitely nurture matters and I think, ultimately, wins out over nature.
This was a discussion on Private Practice last Tuesday! LOL!
Wonderful thoughts! I personally think that you are right in both aspects of Nature and Nurture. You're born the way you are but your upbringings (Nurture) is something that NEVER leaves you. You can be a drug addict but still know right from wrong because of the nurture you received. WHO WE ARE– IT'S A CHOICE. We can choose to be our "lesser selves" (nature) or we can choose to be the person we were raised to be (nurture). As parents, it's our role to give them the necessary tools/skills but ultimately they decide. That's the beautiful thing about free will. We all have flaws but doesn't mean we all "work on ourselves". Nurture is what helps you to WANT to be a better person because of the examples you had. This is just my little 2 cents 🙂 Thanks for such a though provoking post.
Here's my thoughts:
It's mostly nurture. Nurture affects our kids the most, not nature. In fact, science is daily showing that our genes interact differently depending on nurture/environment, making nurture even more important. While there are some set things in our nature or genes, much of that is changeable. Stats also show just how much better kids do overall when their parents do a good job raising them and providing them with security. Will a few parents end up with hellions regardless? Oh yes. Will a few crappy parents end up with great kids? Oh yes. But overall, nurture affects kids the most. If you're a crappy parent, you're not setting your kids up well. That being said, it is absolutely not ok to judge parents for parenting styles. As long as there isn't abuse going on, then its not my place to judge. No individual family is a statistic and unless you know them intimately and their situation, you really don't know how they are raising their kids in general and should always keep this fact in mind.
So, the evidence shows that nurture is EXTREMELY important, but never an excuse to judge. Nature is still important to understand and know, but not as important.
You have to read a book called "identical strangers" – it's about a twin study down in the 1950s when unwed mothers' identical twins were given up for adoption and the kids purposefully put in different homes to see if they'd be more alike or different by being raised in two different households. It's crazy fascinating and thought provoking…although the debate still rages in the end, as I think this one probably always will.
ah, an age-old and awesome dilemma! happy you released your thoughts about it in this post!
here's my take:
no matter who your parents are or how they chose to parent you, you will spend some part of your life wrestling with their decisions. maybe not forever and perhaps not in a way that seems central to your story, but nevertheless, you will. biology may have the potential to explain you, but experience has the potential to guide you. and to guide a life through this murky world seems to me to be a powerful and momentous thing.
As a mom to twins I can't tell you how much I ponder this (like a keeps me up at night level of pondering)! I have yet to come close to any conclusions. My boys are only 7mo yet they're already different in every way imaginable. In a really broad sense they're getting the same type/amount of nurturing (but different responses based on needs) yet one has a lot more challenges, hates being loved on & cuddled and is just a more intense and strong willed baby. This makes me think is it all nature?? But then I start to wonder if during pregnancy he would have been able to develop without his brother constantly kicking him while he was wedged in a position where he couldn't really move or kick back, would he be different? Did the whole environment/nurture thing come into play during pregnancy? (Do you see the level I take this to?) I don't have an answer. I need to accept that I probably won't ever get an answer. BUT I need to keep on believing that all this nurturing is, like, at least KIND OF having an affect on nature. (If not I'm in for one wild ride)
Hmmm…it's both but a lot more nurture to me. Even people that came from terrible circumstances and became successful had someone's help, at some point. Somebody cut them some slack or believed in them. That's why it's so important to be the best parent and person you can be.
I definitely think that both nature and nurture come into play. Even though examples of nature winning out seem abundant, the statistics are a great example of nurture at work. Where a student grows up, their socioeconomic status and parental education levels are great predictors of future achievement. There are strong correlations between good upbringing and children who eventually attend college verses children who end up in jail. Everyone hears the stories about the person who grew up in the adversity and made something of themselves, but they are talked about because they are the exception. In most cases, children end up as a product of their environment and successful students coming from successful homes. That this happens most often is an example of nurture at work. So keep your chin up, what you are doing matters greatly.
What a thought-provoking post!! I had to sit and ponder for a few minutes. I am like you in that I would love for it to be nurture. I'm a control freak and it would be oh so nice to think that I had complete control over the person my son grows up to be. But luckily, I think I'm wrong. I say luckily because if I did have complete control, my son may grow up to be just like me. And I don't want that. I want him to be his own person. And at 17 months, he already is.
I do think that nurture can play up or play down what's already innately there. I know my son was born with a tender heart. I am the same way. I show him affection constantly with hugs and kisses and smiles and snuggles. I don't care when people say I pick him up too much or "spoil him" (I honestly don't think there's such a thing for a 17 month old). But what if he grew up in a home with cold parents? Or parents who were gone all the time? I don't know, but I think that his tender heart may break a little bit and he would start to form those horrible "walls".
So when it comes down to it, I think nurture is exactly what it says. Not creating a person's spirit. But nurturing it. Helping what's already there to grow and thrive.
ok, EVERYBODY, just know that i am poring through your comments and just loving them all. so thanks for giving me more (good) stuff to think about!
As a Christian, the nature vs. nurture debate takes on a whole new twist for me! Because God is bigger and more powerful than both nature and my nurturing. That's what brings me to prayer constantly with my two little ones!
This is such an interesting discussion. I think that nurture is more important to parents as it's what you are able to control. I think that the ratio of nature and nurture would be different for different people and that the really is no definitive answer. It's interesting how children raised so similarly have so many differences but I still think that nurture may still have had an important affect on all the children and it's simply the nature combined with nurture that is making them act differently.
Well, you already know what I think. I'm glad you posted this though. Some of these comments were surprising…as in, they made me rethink!
Marjorie is so right. So I said I was the poster child for turning out okay in a crummy circumstance, but really, I had phone calls with my dad and teachers who thought I was the smartest kid they'd ever taught. There were people along the way (and I can remember them all) who led me here with a kind word.
Thank God for them.
Because we've all heard those stories about the babies who never get touched and die.
I just wonder what could have been for some people…those people who never got any loving? What nice thing could even I have said that made a difference?
Good thoughts, Bridget, good thoughts.
I so get you on that control thing.
Heck, I homeschool my kids so I am big on the "pour into them" idea.
But ultimately, you just have to give your kids over to God.
No amount of our pouring into them, teaching them, protecting them or loving them can assure us of anything.
They are His and He loves them more than we do.
So I guess that is the best assurance we'll ever have, right?
Love from,
Greta
You may want to read this book by Bryan Caplan, an economist, who wrote a book based on twin research about the primacy of genetics in who we are. You can find the book here:
http://www.amazon.com/Selfish-Reasons-Have-More-Kids/dp/046501867X
You can hear him discuss the book and its finding here:
http://www.econtalk.org/archives/2011/05/caplan_on_paren.html
http://ngm.nationalgeographic.com/2012/01/twins/miller-text – this is a really good article on nature vs. nurture vs. heredity and it's absolutely fascinating. It includes twins that were raised separately for a myriad of reasons who are near identical and twins raised exactly the same who are so completely different. Definitely worth taking a read, plus the pictures are incredible.