I get a lot of incredible, sweet, heartfelt emails from you guys and, of those, the majority are people who find themselves in a situation similar to the one I found myself in ten-plus years ago. Your situations are a variation on mine: with an older man, with a man who has children, with a widower, or a divorcee, navigating being a step parent, navigating being with a man who was married to another woman, and usually figuring out all of this with friends and parents who don’t understand, so on and so forth.
Then, about a month ago, I asked for post ideas on IG stories and had a lot of people asking me to write about being a step parent.
Thing is, I am not an expert. I mean I am not an expert. I hardly know if I’m doing it right 80% of the time and the other 20% of the time, I’m 50% unsure. So, what does that leave us with? 10% assurance?
Nevertheless, if it’s a place you find yourself, it’s awful lonely. I knew virtually nobody in my situation. I still don’t. At first, it was hard. Especially when my friends were still doing the post-college single thing and I was an immediate mom of four at 22. Now, I’m much more confident in my role, in the life I chose, and I’m accustomed to knowing that most people won’t get it, but that’s ok. They can still listen and empathize and give advice the best way they know how.
So here’s a bit of advice from me to you about being a step parent. Perhaps there’ll be more to come, because there’s no way one post will cut it.
01. Find a great counselor. This might be the most important piece of advice. Much like our physical health, I think our emotional health is just as important. A counseling session is like a great dose of vitamins for your brain, and you’ll need them to be able to do your job well. A counselor, even if the appointments are on an as needed basis, is a necessity. There’s simply no way your husband can be your sounding board for all that you’re going through. (He’s going through a lot, too.) This has taken me years to recognize, and even still, I’m learning. You will find yourself frustrated with parenting, like any parent is, but because it is step parenting and you are the step parent, it’s extra tricky to be venting to your husband–their father–about it all the time. Of course, you’ll do it. And that’s okay. It’s inevitable. But, because you are not their birth mother, it might be harder for your husband to hear than it would be otherwise. It’s different than if you were their birth mother. He’ll wonder if you think you’ve made a mistake. He’ll hear it completely differently from your mouth than he would have from hers, even if you’re saying the exact same thing. Steve has, of course, been my sounding board thousands of times at this point, but I am especially aware (and more with time and maturity) of how difficult it can be to hear–even when it’s just, as it most often is, normal parenting woes. More often than not, I don’t put myself in his shoes, but when I do I realize how tough this situation can be for both of us, not for me alone. So now it is often coupled with, “I do not regret my decision. I love our life and our children. I would choose this again.” (It is not always coupled with this, however, because sometimes I am straight up mad. We’re human after all.) It wouldn’t be fair to expect you to keep it all in just because you’re a step parent, but do recognize his sensitivity, and be sure to secure a really great counselor who can truly be your sounding board. They are worth their weight in gold. I’ve seen the same one, off and on, for our entire marriage. Simply knowing that she’s available to me is a comfort. For me and for Steve. We’ve seen her together, I’ve seen her alone. She’s fabulous.
I’ll do another post on this soon, as there’s way too much to say for one post. Thanks for reading, as always, especially those of you who’ve been here since the very beginning!
i’d say having a counselor/therapist is pretty much great advice for any situation! this series will be really helpful.
xo, brittany
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good point, brittany. counselors for EVERYONE!
Hi! My parents divorced when I was in middle school. Our family is a whole lot of blending at this point – step parents, siblings, estrangements, etc. I JUST started seeing a counselor at 33 – why on Earth did I wait so long is beyond me. Alas – I forgive myself and agree that get yourself to a counselor if you feel even the slightest bit in need. It’s hands down the most practical and supportive part of my life outside my husband and faith.
Have never seen a blog post on being a step parent before. Thanks for sharing!
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Thank you so much for this post. I very rarely comment on anything, but this one is very close to home and this specific advice is amazing. It takes time and a ton of empathy to realize what you wrote about, to see how the same exact words are heard completely differently if they come from a birth vs step parent.
I really appreciate this. I’m a step-mom to my partner’s son, and he’s my daughter’s step-dad, so we have a uniquely mutual situation. Look forward to the next installment!
That is exactly our situation)) Plus a new LO we share.
best of luck to you both! that makes things even more complicated, i’d imagine.
Yes! As a fellow step parent I wholeheartedly agree.
Excited to share this series with my sister who is a soon to be stepparent of three!
Step-parenting is SO hard. I am a step-mom to my husband’s two. I adopted 3 before I married my husband, and he later adopted them once we were married. Although he is their dad now, it can still feel like a “his” and “mine” situation, as bonding takes a long time with any child that is older and not biologically yours. We have one on the way now (we are so excited for this!) I’ve been considering a counselor for a while…I need to stop with the waiting and just do it. A blended family with adoption and multiple races and special needs can be so much to balance!!
oh my word. so many different dynamics at work in your situation! and also, congratulations on your coming babe! finding a counselor and actually starting the process of sharing your story with them is the hard part. once they’re established, it is SO nice to be able to put a call in to get an appt!!! good luck to you on your counselor search!
Such good advice. Hard to imagine which situation is tougher as a step: competing with a ghost to a grieving family or having a live witch who likely hates your new husband and isn’t happy about you being with *her* kids. Either which way, a neutral party is a must for venting and coping strategies. This would be a great series, B, as you seem to have navigated the situation admirably.
i’m sure this would change from person to person, but for me i think the dynamic of shared parenting/potential anger between two opposite parties/etc. would be more challenging! (though, the grief of losing a parent is a whole other enormous thing. so, hard to measure, really!)
YES! I am already grateful for this series!
You hit the nail on the head — not one of my friends or peers shares in my situation, which has made it hard to find a safe space to talk. On top of that, with a little one in the mix, I try so hard not to make things about me…..but that can be tough, and keeping quiet often compounds my feelings of loneliness/frustration. I appreciate this advice.
good luck to you lindsey! i hope you find someone you can talk with real soon 🙂
YES – the loneliness factor is so real. I’m in a similar experience – I’m in my early 30s, my husband-to-be is in his mid-40s, and my step-daughter is 14. The growing pains of joining the household were expected, but still complicated, and it has been really isolating at times to navigate this with no one in my immediate circles who can relate. Counseling has been key for me, along with allowing myself to be honest and vulnerable with my closest friends.
Thanks for sharing this + looking forward to future posts!
Rachel, I am also in my 30s and my husband in his 40s and my stepdaughter is 17 (she was 14 when we got married). teen years are hard no matter what, but I am inclined to say they are even harder when it’s a stepmom/stepdaughter dynamic! You (we!) are not alone!
i can third that. the teen years have been particularly difficult – with some of my kids more than others. emotionally exhausting. can’t say for sure whether it’s particularly hard because i’m a stepmom (especially considering I’m the only Mom two of my kids have ever really known), but i suspect there’s something to it!
My stepdaughter is 14 and although we have a great relationship the teen years are already proving beyond difficult! You’re definitely not alone!
Thank you for this. I am in this boat, and it’s so hard. Especially with a demanding job, some days I just don’t know what to do when I’ve had enough of work, but I honestly feel like I just don’t want to be at home either.
It has honestly never crossed my mind to see a counselor. Maybe I’ll look in to my options.
Thanks for being open and sharing!
Bridget-
I stumbled across your blog a few years ago because of your unique situation….the similar situation I have been in for the last 5 years. I am a divorced mom of 2 (now 8 y/o & 10 y/o) and my boyfriend is a widower with a now almost 12 y/o. His wife passed away when their daughter was an infant on Christmas Eve (my son’s birthday) in the home we now share with our blended family…stage 4 breast cancer was found when she got pregnant and a year after they were married. Long story short our paths crossed at the park with our children and here we are. Navigating through this relationship has had its ups and downs because it’s unique and not one that most could withstand or understand. But we have found a love between us that we cherish whole heartedly. Just know you aren’t alone and some days are HARD, but I know it’s something that I wouldn’t trade for the world. It has opened my heart in ways I never knew possible and it has made me more compassionate as a human. We all have a history, but we all deserve to be loved and to love without judgement. HUGS from one NJ mama to another!!! 🙂
your last few lines. so true and so beautiful. thank you, kandie! what a difficult path you guys have been on. so glad you’ve found each other.
Like you, I ended up in a parental role to my now step kids when I was only 24. It is a tough and occasionally thankless role. A role that is both amazing and amazingly difficult. Thanks for this post!
Coming in as a step girlfriend over here. *raises hand awkwardly* Thank you for these posts! I was actually going to write you and ask for some words of wisdom because you’re the only step mom, my age I know. And I don’t even really know you. None the less it’s great advice and support where & when you can get it. To even know there are other people out there is a sigh of relief. Among other things, I’m currently struggling with not knowing who my peers are. Full time moms don’t accept me, and my single friends seem so young. I’m sort of this odd in between person who has adult responsibilities without the support of adult friends. Wondering if there are other steps out there who have experienced the same black sheep effect.
morgan, that is so hard. i know i felt that way so much when i was early 20s and newly married to steve. i used to go to back to school nights for william and lindsey (2nd and 4th grade at the time)–sometimes without steve if he was working–and be the youngest one in the room by a good 10-15 years. i was sure everyone was looking at me like i was the kid babysitter and wondering why i was there. it has gotten so much easier now that i’m in my 30s and most of my friends are parents themselves. (and i think i just care less if people are looking at me and doing math in their heads as to how i could possibly be the parent of william and lindsey.) but this was not always the case! hang in there. i swear, it gets easier and/or you start to brush it off.
I am a step-girlfriend too! I started following this blog/ig once I randomly came across it and became intrigued by someone else in my current age group that signed up for step-parenting four kids. I love my partner deeply and now that its been over a year of being in the kids life I have gotten a little less anxious but I truly worry about whether I am doing it right. I am invested in the lives of these four kids aged 7 to 13 that had to deal with the divorce of their parents at a young age and it is hard parenting but not being a parent myself. So thank you for posting this. Please make this a series!
I agree, please make this a series! These are amazing for EVERYONE in these situations to read! xo
Its interesting to read this as someone who grew up with both a step-mom (from age 7) and step-dad (from age 10, though recently divorced as well)… its a complicated relationship, for sure. As an adult now, I have so much empathy for the challenges they both probably went through adapting, especially my young step-mom who suffered from infertility for almost 10 years while covering most of my dad’s time with me as he traveled extensively for work. But its certainly not easy as the child either (as I am SURE you have considered/navigated at great length as well)–accepting someone new into your life you have no say over, the unspoken boundaries you tiptoe around that you never would with a “birth parent.” And of course every situation is different with its unique dynamics/issues. I just love how thoughtfully you seem to approach it vs. sweeping issues under the rug (as was often the case in my family) and I’m sure this is excellent advice for many people! Counseling certainly helped me as a kid dealing with my parent’s divorce 😉
oh how i’d love to pick your brain! it can be rough at times — as with so many parent/child dynamics — and i so hold out hope that it will all come out in the wash when they’re older. thanks so much for your comment, kim.
recently i met one of my stepmom’s friend, and asked how they’d met – apparently through a support group, and i assumed, oh for infertility… and was corrected, nope for stepmoms lol. that’s when it dawned on me it had been hard for her! in the end i think good intentions and everyone doing their best is more than enough, i <3 my stepmom 🙂
thanks for sharing bridget, I’ve been reading your blog since you got were newly married and I admire your candor in sharing about your parenting situation, as I’ve found it very interesting and helpful since you have a unique situation and perspective.
Thank you for this – I hope to read more.
I’ve known of my husband’s daughter ever since he found out her mom was pregnant. Two months into us dating, he trusted our relationship enough to introduce me to her. Being only two years old when we met, I’m pretty sure she’ll grow up not remembering a time that I wasn’t there. She regards me with as much love and familiarity as any other family member.
Andy tells me that he used to be a real shithead as a teen, and since she already acts so much like him, he’s worried about what’s to come. But for me, I wonder how much she’ll confide in me, what kind of questions she’ll ask since I’m not her mom or dad. Or will she even regard me in that sense? I’m not sure. But it’ll be interesting to find out.
I wish I could say more here, without betraying the confidence of my kids because this sounds similar to my experience. Teen years definitely have thrown me for loops that I wasn’t expecting–especially with kids who really only know me as Mom. (And, perhaps, no matter whether I was a birth mom or step mom, it’d be the same. These are the questions that sometimes gnaw at me!) But I do think that time and maturity will rule in the end and all will be well. Best of luck to you guys, Chloe!
Yes, please. Please, please keep these coming. When I first started following you (when you were just a step-mom and I was just a birth mom) I had no idea that I would be here. Now, I am a post-divorced, post-single mom, mom to four and step mom to two. Even at 33 and 40 (how old my husband and I were when we got married) we went into marriage with romantic notions of how amazing it would be to all be one family. Reality- it’s a lot harder than we thought! I’m the first of any of my friends to be divorced and the first to be re-married and a step-mom and it’s definitely lonely to have very little people that have been through it. I’ve vented way too often to my husband and I definitely need to take your advice to heart. I know from real experience, it’s HARD to hear someone say something about your kid, even if it’s totally true and if you are in love with and married to that person. I would love to hear so much more of what you have to share!
I love that you wrote about this! My counselor is my literal saving grace. My BF has 4 kiddos and I have never been married and have no kiddos. So many times people look at you as if youve lost your mind when you say I am dating a man with 4 kids. Its always so refreshing to know you are not alone. I think I love my BF MORE because I got a sneak peek into seeing him as a dad – it makes him that much more attractive. Keep these posts coming, they are good for all our blended family hearts
I wholeheartedly agree with your counsellor suggestion. It’s a life saver and changer. Your life stage is very different than mine, but authenticity shines! I keep reading because of this, I always find nuggets of wisdom, grace,, humility and humour. Thanks, Bridget!
Thank you for sharing this, Bridget! There is a lot of power in your words. I love how you make the connection between mental health and physical health. There is so much stigma around mental health issues – not that that was your primary message, but I love it whenever I hear voices of influence acknowledging that we need to look after our mental well being with the same care that we take in tending to our physical bodies.
I personally *love* my counselor and would be lost without her. But so many people in my life were like, “What?!? You’re in therapy?!” when I told them, like it was this terrible thing. I decided I would own my journey no matter what others thought and make it my mission to blast through that shame head on, and now several of the biggest skeptics in my circle have found help from therapy too. But there’s still so much misunderstanding and judgment out there around this issue. Thanks for using your influence and your story to tear down walls of shame. I’m sure it is very vulnerable writing about this topic, but I know many people will find encouragement and support in your words.
Bridget- I have followed your blog for years. I am so so glad I’ve found you. My situation is somewhat similar to yours (married to an older man, step mom to his two) and one of my own. Thank you for sharing your heart and your story- I can relate to all of it. You inspire me- Keep writing!