picture from Switzerland a few days after getting engaged!
I was posed this question by one of my readers in this post a few weeks ago. A fair question, indeed, and one that I thought could have a post of its own. Do I feel like I missed out on my twenties having started dating Steve-with-the-four-kids at the ripe young age of 21 years, a college junior. You should know that, even as I type that sentence which is about me and my life, it’s still shocking. To both of us really. Did I think that would ever have been my life? Did he ever think it would be his? No to both. But alas it was and is and let’s dive in.
I’ve written out our love story. I think I’d write it differently now, were I to do it again, but I’m keeping it as is because that’s how I (actually we! Steve has a chapter too.) wrote it at the time so that’s how it’ll stay. Anyhow, the love story ended and life continued on and now here I sit as a 29-year old, pregnant with my second (but Steve’s number six), and set to turn 30 in a few short weeks. 30! That’s crazy to me.
To make a long story short, do I feel like I missed out on my twenties? The quick answer: yes and no. The long answer: I do distinctly remember browsing Facebook and seeing my friends going to bars, trips to NYC, everything in their lives seemingly footloose and fancy-free. I remember being jealous. None of my friends were married then, and they certainly didn’t have four children. We were in very different places. While that was probably a low point–comparing myself to them and feeling crappy about it–it certainly did happen. Emotional maturity, the kind that you can’t sprout overnight but that comes with life experience in all its glory from pain to joy, has taught me that everyone has their battles and that finances and job woes and heartbreak and singleness and dating can have its share of dark and lonely times. And I skipped over not all, but a lot of that. The characteristic “twenties” is not my story to tell. I guess here’s where I would say so what? Everyone’s life is different. Do I feel like there’s some unwritten chapter of mine that’s just begging to be put on paper and interrupting my sleep at night until I do? Not really (at all). I also didn’t walk in my college graduation and had people tell me, “Oh you will regret that one day!” I haven’t thought about it again until this very moment. Do I suspect that I’ll have some midlife crisis and Steve will find me at the local bar doing shots of SoCo and lime with my shirt off? No. My twenties simply looked different from yours.
My twenties were spent falling really hard and fast for a handsome man who I absolutely could not have parted ways with simply because the cards were stacked up against us, because it would’ve made my life take a very drastic turn, because a lot would be expected of me, because he had children, because he was older. Those things seemed crazy to me then, no doubt, but it seemed crazier to walk away because of them. I would not have been okay with that at all. He was it for me, and that’s all there was to it. My twenties were spent getting to know my best friend. My twenties were spent learning how to be a mother to his four children. They were spent learning my place in this family of five, each person with a unique personality, each person still grieving the loss of their mother (or wife) in different ways. They were full of trial and error both in the kitchen, in the laundry, in life. They were spent getting mad–at him, at them, at myself, at life, and then finding forgiveness and grace and picking up and moving on and realizing that I would do that again and again and again. They were spent learning to love them, learning how to be loved by them. They were spent having a ton of fun going camping as a family, to the Jersey shore, to Switzerland (and coming home with a ring!), and yes even to some NYC bars where I did have more than my share of SoCo and lime. In my twenties I learned so much about myself and my strengths and weaknesses and how they fit (or didn’t fit) into my marriage and my family. My twenties were really, really hard but really, really good too.
Man, did I learn a lot through my twenties.
So did you, most likely. We just learned different things, and some the same. I think that’s okay.
Thank you for taking the time to write this out! At only 24, I feel sometimes like I'm living the life of a 35 year old but I love it. It's who I am and what my story is about. It's different for everyone, and I think that's what's so beautiful about society and humanity in general. Props to that reader for asking that question — and to you for not denying yourself the chance to write your own story!
Oh man, my comment could just be a duplicate of Sarah's, because I want to thank you and I'm also 24 who feels like I'm 35 or older (but also sometimes I feel younger than I am because what the heck am I doing with my life?!).
Maybe someday you could write a post about the top (insert number here) lessons you learned in your 20s?
Beautiful post, Bridget! Thank you for sharing!
Oh gosh, I could try, Amanda! I think I'll be figuring out WHAT those lessons were through the entire next decade though 🙂
Also 24 living life as the undercover grandma!
Love this! I get asked the same question sometimes because I got married at 21 and had my first child a year later. My answer has been very similar to yours… I don't necessarily feel like I missed out, just had a different 20's experience! Isn't so great that we all have vastly different life experiences?
Well said! I'm 24, been married for 10 months to my high school sweetheart and I wouldn't change anything!
I love this post! I got married young too, and am now pregnant with my third child (I turned 29 last month), and I think all the time "everyone just ends up with their own life story." There's no right way to experience life.
And CONGRATULATIONS to you on that third pregnancy, girl!
Love this, Bridget! I can relate so well (my husband is 19 years older, and I was also 21 when we started dating)! Your perspective is so great. Especially love the comment that your 20s were spent getting to know your best friend; I feel the same. Thank you for this!
They really were. Can't imagine my life going another way if I had let all those things get in the way.
I loved reading your response on this! This is something I struggle with so very often. I got married at 20, and at 27 had been through 5 pregnancies and had 3 kids under 4! I find myself feeling bitter and jealous when I see my peers traveling abroad, seeiming to be having unlimited carefree fun with friends, etc. I feel like I went from being a "little kid" straight to being "old." You really encouraged me today to stop wallowing in ugly feelings and just say "who cares? This is MY unique story, and it is a GOOD story." Xx
Some days, it's okay to wallow (I know we all do it–even the ones who are living those "unlimited carefree fun" lives!). I know I do! But to come around again to the who cares is what's important.
I love this post. I'm a firm believer in trusting your path and making the best out of what you have in front of you. All we can really do is make the choices that make the most sense, at the time we are making them, with the information in front of us and that becomes our lives.
Beautiful post thank you so much for writing it, Bridget. I get asked the same question constantly, now I'm going to link to your post, because, like always, you manage to put my thoughts and feelings in words 😉
Well, I'm in my thirties now, maybe after the pregnancy I'll have my share of drinks, because that is something I totally missed out..
So so good to read this today. Everyone has a journey, and I love reading about yours. Thank you for sharing.?
I LOVE your story and the way you write about Steve and the kids and well, I just love this post! Your 20's sound pretty darn great to me because look where you are now….doing life with your best friend with a beautiful family of soon to be 8!!! xxxx
They are pretty darn great. Thanks Liz. 🙂
Oh, Bridget. If I weren't all the way in Southeast Texas, I'd insist (in a very non-stalker vibe, of course) that we meet for dinner with our significant others. I'm also 29. And my husband is 41 and a college professor. We met when I was 22 in his Ecology class and have been inseparable ever since. I too spent most of my 20's defending our relationship, learning to be a stepmother to one very adoring daddy's girl (how did you do it with 4 !?!) and figuring out how to balance and merge my very young & somewhat naïve outlook on life with his very focused and established life. But, like you, this was it for me. And there was nothing (and certainly no one) that could convince me otherwise.
Your 20's are difficult regardless of your circumstance. So cheers to making it through 'em–no matter how you decided to do it.
If I'm ever your way in the future, we should do that dinner. I'll even partake in some SoCo and lime with you 😉
Love this! We have a lot in common. How did I do it with 4? One foot in front of the other! Same as you, I suspect!
Cheers to a future shot with you 🙂
Love this. Just because someone doesn't follow the "norm" doesn't mean their life isn't full of wonderful and varied experiences
Ah, great post! I got engaged and married in college. Everyone told me it was a mistake, but I graduated with two degrees and honors. My husband is four years older than me and we wanted to have kids right away. I had my first at 21 and my second at 22 and 24 years old. No regrets! I'm living a wonderful life. I was never a party person and I don't drink. All those drunk college scenes are meaningless to me and I'm happy to say they weren't part of my life.
Of course, you had it much different with four little ones right away, but that's what attracted me to your blog years ago. I thought your story was so unique. I could also relate to being on a different chapter of life (marriage and kids) while friends are in the single and party years. That was hard for awhile. Now I just turned 28 and most of my friends have "caught up" with marriage and kids. It's all good 🙂
Thanks so much, Marjorie. It is nice now that our friends have caught up though, isn't it??
Today is my 27th birthday, and sometimes I feel like I've missed out, but for the most part I feel my life has taken all these twists/turns for the most perfect reason: to get me where I am today. I wouldn't trade it for the world. Every one has their own life course. And I must say that my later 20s has brought me more happiness in life than I thought I could ever attain, and so I am quite comfortable with aging 🙂 Great blog post!
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Happy birthday, Jenny!
i really appreciate this. i didn't get married until i was 26, but spent my college years dating seriously someone who i didn't (thankfully!) end up marrying, and then falling hard and fast for someone else, marrying him only a little more than a year after breaking up with that other guy.
i, too, sometimes feel like i've missed out. i still feel like i'm missing out, being married to a graduate student who is never around.
i appreciate that it seems as though you've found a brave, beautiful resolve to be content. i'm still working on that. reading this, though, and all of these comments makes me feel as though we all feel this/ wonder/ dream, no matter where we end up in life.
I have found that and I can definitely say I'm content almost all the time. Happy all the time? No, but content. We totally all wonder/dream. It's life.
And cheers to grad. school being over soon!!!!!
I admire you for doing what you did and your twenties were well spent!!
I think its a misconception of today's culture that your twenties need to be spent single and "finding yourself"… whatever that means. And that if you don't you are somehow missing out.
I was married at 22 (my husband is also older than myself) and got pregnant fairly soon after getting married. I'm sure many people (some family and friends included) thought I would "miss out on my twenties." I don't feel that way AT ALL. I wouldn't have had it any other way.
Just because none of my friends my age right now (25) are married with kids doesn't mean that since I AM that I am missing out. In fact, I think they are the ones missing out. ;D
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It is a misconception! For some, those years may be really important and necessary? Maybe? I don't think they were for me. My twenties were certainly not without a lot of growth–which I think you do either way!
certainly! I agree!
Appreciated and enjoyed your thoughtful response, B. I'd say your 20s were full of life and learning and digging deeper. You bring that to your family daily and the world will ultimately benefit.
Thanks so much, Cynthia.
Thank you for this post Bridget! I met my husband soon after I turned 23 (he is 10 years older) when I was so not ready to settle down. But then he just showed up in my life and I was like, "this is it". There was no other way for the story to go…this was our life and I am so glad we found each other at that time. I learned a lot in my twenties and I am still learning a lot now (I am 32). I don't feel like I missed out on anything but I feel that I got to experience so much and I wouldn't have it any other way!
On the flip side of this, I have a friend (32 as well) who is not and never has been married (wants to be just hasn't found the right one). I would bet you she would say she was the one "missing out" during our twenties.
"There was no other way for the story to go." I loved that sentence.
you said it perfectly when you said "so what?" i love that. everyone's life looks different and things rarely turn out the way you think they will. i never thought i would have kids, and didn't picture myself married before 30. but here i am, married for 6 years and with a baby that lights up my life. who woulda thought. sometimes those unexpected twists are the best parts of life.
LOVED this post. the comments and your responses to them felt like mini-posts and were fun to read as well.
My story is different than some of my friend's stories and sometimes I have a hard time conveying to them that this is EXACTLY how I want it to be. Not perfect by any means, but it's mine.
I'm pregnant with # 4 and just turned 29, so you know my 20's were pretty full of married/mother stuff, which I thankfully loved (having wonderful hubbies, helps, right?). What I find funny now is that friends who spent their 20's doing the usual unattached things are now entering the beginnings of the phase of life I've been in for almost 7 years (as others have pointed out), and I actually have to fight off a feeling of superiority sometimes when they're 32 and clueless about things I had to figure out at 23. I'm not saying it's right of me, but it creeps up now and then–I find myself not feeling superior over what I know about babies or marriage or whatever, but rather over the long-term richness of the content of my 20's as (seemingly) compared to theirs. Really, though, everyone's journey is different and I have no right to think that what I learned is better than what they did–I fully believe that. It just feels wickedly nice to bask sometimes in a little bit of that "I've got a huge leg up over most of my peers" feeling after almost a decade of defending myself against the "you're missing out" feeling others would (purposely or not) exude when looking at my "tame" little life. 😉
I get asked that a lot as well. We got pregnant (unexpectedly) at 20 as sophomores in college. My next 7 years were spent switching to online classes, studying abroad in Sweden with a toddler and baby daddy, getting married, having another and now pregnant with number 3 at 28. Did I 'miss out'? Maybe. But I don't feel like I did. Like you said, our 20's just looked different than our generations 20's, but not really All that different from our parents generation I don't think. At least not mine with my mom married at 19 and then spending the next 11 years having 5 kids. It's just not considered traditional anymore. Doesn't mean we wasted our 20's! I often think I would possibly look back if I spent the first 5 years of my 20's partying and that's about it as many of my friends and think I wasted those years. Maybe not but it's definitely something I have considered.
You write about your experiences so elegantly. I just marvel at how articulate you are. I always forget your age. I always forget how young you were when you got married because you seem so much more mature than possible. And really hot.
Yes. From one fellow engaged college junior to the next, yes. I never, ever, ever thought I would be where I am now. When a junior got engaged my freshman year of college, I told my friends that it was crazy and my parents would kill me. Ha! Two years later …
Anyway, I'm only halfway through my twenties so I can't complete say that I haven't missed out, but so far, so in love with how it's been and what I've learned. Thank you for so easily expressing how it is!
Thanks for sharing this post, I married young too and did life much differently than everyone else. After traveling and going back to school at 26, I sit here now 29 and the hubs and I are in complete transition, knowing life will look different than everyone's but its ours and its good. I love what you said about remembering everyone's story is different.
I'm the unmarried-girl-in-my-late-20s who has had the chance to travel, have a career, etc., and you're absolutely right–I have down-in-the-dumps days too. I think it's human nature to want what we don't/can't have though. I'm reading this post and the above comments, and while I don't know what motherhood is like on the daily, I can't help but admire all of you who've been pouring yourselves into your family's and children's lives for years now. I can't say I've done that, although I look forward to the opportunity someday. I don't think the life stages any of us find ourselves in are some cosmic mistake.
I think that last sentence describes it all, and describes it all so well. That's part of the beauty of life, isn't it? We all have SUCH different stories. We can relate to some parts of others' stories, and some others – we are there, wide-eyed, like "wow, that's not me at all!" Kind of beautiful to think about.
Such a good post like everyone said. Thank you for sharing something so personal and so truly inspiring to anyone reading. Props to you girl because you knew it was worth it and you didn't think twice when questioned by those people you encountered who I'm sure we're confused and curious about it all.
Love this post! Not that I have quite the same story as yours, but I did graduate college in three years because I was over it. Then I got married a year later, so at 24, I am in a very different place than the majority of my friends. I think this is where I am supposed to be and not an ounce of me regrets rushing through college and marrying young. To each their own!
Absolutely beautifully written. I just sent this to my best friend who really needs to read this right now.
AMEN. As someone who started dating my now-husband who is 19 years older than me at age 21, I couldn't agree with you more. I wouldn't have my life any other way. It's perfect the way it is. I made the right choice, for sure!
LOVE THIS. I got married at 22 and now I'm pregnant at 25. I got a snide comment last week from a coworker in her 30s about how I got married too young and I shouldn't have been allowed. All I could do was laugh. Every now and then I have those thoughts of what I might've done in a different circumstance, but I don't even care. I feel settled and secure and content, and mostly so glad I got to essentially skip those years of floundering around.
What a wise and beautiful woman you are! Your spirit shines through this sweet blog that made me teary!
You are just what that sweet family needed……and they are what you needed!! Perfect balance……Perfect God.
I love this post, thank you for being so honest. I feel like I can relate to some parts of this, just that choosing to be with my husband made my life exceedingly complicated(so much so that we did break up briefly when dating!) and has brought circumstances to me I would not have imagined or chosen for myself. And that I'm not always happy about! But he was absolutely the right one for me and I would never have walked away because of those complications. Anyway, beautiful post, thank you for your willingness to share!
Great post! honestly the entire time I've been reading your blog and having read your love story that question never crossed my mind but you answered it so well! Thank you for sharing and like you said everyone's 20's are different 🙂
loved reading this. i got married at 19 and took a different path in life as well… this is SO well written – thank you for sharing. <3
I loved this so much! I got engaged at 19 and had a HUGE project due in a class later that day. I went to my class so excited (obviously) and showed my ring to everyone. The professor than told the whole class about how her sister got married at my age, and went through a nasty abusive divorce. She then went on to wish me "luck" in my marriage. So rude! It's people like her that make my marriage that much better I believe. We were married 3 months later, and are now going on 5 years. I haven't ever felt like I missed out on my 20's at all! I just assumed its was a Mormon thing! Cheers to young wives and mamas!
Really beautifully said, Bridget 🙂
This was absolutely BEAUTIFULLY said Bridget! Thank you for reminding us to find the joy in each circumstance that we are in… I never once thought to ask you that after reading your love story so long ago but this was so graciously and beautifully written!
Blessings,
Rebecca 🙂
Great post! Everyone has a different story to tell… I don't think there is a 'right' way to live your life, as dictated by society.
Well written post. It is refreshing to read a very personal answer to this question. Life is just so complicated and it is brave of you to share. As a reader, your love story and honesty keeps me coming back.
Clearly not remotely as complicated… but I'm 25 and my boyfriend has a two year old, and my other twenty-something friends all ask, so tentatively, "Are you sure you're ready for that?" His son does change the way our relationship works, and the way our lives are- but totally for the better. I love every moment we spend together with him and there is something so special about a man who is a father. Maybe we don't go out as much as we would, or maybe we aren't as fun and crazy as we could be… but I wouldn't have it any other way, and I'm excited for what the rest of my twenties will bring. Thank you for sharing this, so much. :o)
Reading your 20's post made me back read your blog a bit, (always makes me feel like I'm snooping haha) I think you're the first non-denominational Christian blogger I've come across- I'm of the same variety:)
I love your post- I got married at 21 also to a guy I am crazy about and so many people thought I was throwing my life away, but I look at so many people my age and in many well most ways I have lived out my 20's so much more- something about sharing your life with someone else makes you want to make that time count! We've traveled and studied and work really hard and had amazing careers and no babies yet 5 years in but hopefully soon and I am so glad my 20's wasn't just dating random people or spending every weekend partying they really meant something:) This post was amazing, like the universal post for the young and inlove;)
you are incredible. love and admire you so much.
and you know when i comment it's a big deal.
Sigh… so much agreement. I got married young and my husband was ready for kids rightaway- I got pregnant fast and here we are. I have friends that have a very different life than I do. But I wouldn't trade it or wish away the last 4 years of my life. I got married to my best friend, have an amazing kid. Partying was never my style. I don't think I've missed out on anything (except maybe the pain of a hangover) by never being drunk. And I'm an introvert- so the likelihood of me doing that even if I wasn't a married mom is zilch anyway. I love what Janssen said about there being no right way to experience life.
Everyones', life is paved differently. That is the beauty of it. I love your story and I have no idea of al the things you have been through. My life story is considerably different to yours yet I feel we are similar in some way. I come from a small island where I lived for 24 years. I finished college the same month I was going through a bad and sad breakup. I decided to move from all that and got on a plane and started a new chapter in New York. I left my family and friends behind. All those decisions, took me to here I am now. Still constructing my life story. I hope one day I have a family. Right now , I'm 34 living in France, just became of French nationality after living here 6 years, and I am trying to figure out my next years . Do I go back to school, do I start a family, so many things. Thanks for sharing your thoughts Bridget.
I really love the idea of you writing out your love story again! Maybe not to share on the internet necessarily, but I think that's such a clever idea to write down the same account at two separate times in your life. I hope you do it!
*or rather, an account of the same event
Uhh, hi. Here again a few days later. Just wanted to say that it seems like there is something about this season and the holiday that seems to go right along with thinking about about things that are a little bit dissonant or a little bit spooky. Like reconciling your understanding of your marriage as you entered it with your understanding of your marriage where you are now. Seems like such a healthy exercise at this time of year! I've been having a few of those kind of revelations myself.
cool to read this bridget. I loved reading your story the first time and I also like that you feel you might write it differently now. x
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