Starting with a throwback picture of easier times seemed fitting as we’re heading into less easier, much murkier times as of late. Heading into? Nay. We’ve headed there, we’re in them, and we are three feet deep. Hold onto your hats, people.
You see, the first huge chunk of Parker’s life was easy as pie. This kid was so easy-going, we brought him everywhere, and he never cried. Of course, I’m remembering this a little too fondly perhaps, but I definitely recall exclaiming to Steve on many, many occasions when he’d return home from work, “He didn’t cry all day! He’s so easy going!” Cause he was. And he is. But alas, I daresay that the “honeymoon” phase is over. Hey, it lasted nearly a full three years so I guess I should count my lucky stars for that. And also curse myself for, merely three months ago, telling Steve, “Terrible twos?! Hardly!” I may have chortled too. Don’t chortle. It’s asking for a curse on your head.
All the experts, moms, sisters, playground-goers, dental hygienists, grocery-store-check-out-people will tell you, “It’s the threes, actually.” But I chose not to believe them, and to proclaim a victory over the twos. Not so fast.
We’ve had some tantrums, some hitting, some crazy behavior that, quite honestly, has surprised me. (Not my child! Yes. My child.) And while it’s all in the realm of normal, it just caught me so off guard and happened so quickly. It felt a little bit, to this self-proclaimed emotional mom, like a betrayal. Like the end of the sweetest, most innocent relationship. I’ve cried a few times.
Additionally, I’ve found that I lack confidence when it comes to parenting a toddler (and, in a lot of ways, a teen–another tricky parenting phase). Years zero through three I felt like I knew what I was doing and I didn’t bristle at other parents’ approach, though they be different than mine. I was so sure that what we were doing was working for us, felt so confident in my decisions. It’s not that I regret anything, it’s just that the situation has changed so we need new rules. I’m not sure what those rules should be. Do timeouts work? How about bribes? How much do I let him put his own shoes on and how much do I take the lead because time is of the essence and we have to get out the door? Is it good to let them know they’ve hurt your feelings or is that considered manipulative? Are you creating a spoiled child if you let them pick a matchbox car when you’re at the grocery store? Are rewards and punishments good or should praise be enough? How do you handle a tantrum in public? What’s right? How much are my parenting techniques screwing my child up forever and ever?
As you can see, my mind is reeling with questions. This is only a small percentage of them. Do you too feel like you’re out in the wild, Bear Grylls’ style, with absolutely nothing in your bag of tricks to help you through?
Let’s talk.
No seriously, let’s talk.
As a parent of twin 2-year old toddlers (who are behaving pretty terribly) and a newborn, there's nothing that makes my stomach drop more than hearing people say "just wait till they're three!" How could it possibly get harder than this?! For the sake of my own survival, I choose not to believe them.
As for how to best handle these adorable little tantrums– I might be naive and a little too easy-going about parenting, but I really believe that in the long term it doesn't matter so much. We're going to eventually find out that we've been doing it all wrong anyway, right? Of course, my children watch tv and were formula fed, so there's already no hope for them ;-).
I know. It's never helpful when they tell you, "Oh, it gets worse!" is it? And it's just not the same for every kid. I mean, gosh, Nathaniel, Jordan, William, and Lindsey could not BE more different. I should know this. But anyway, you sound like you have a lot on your plate but are not alone in the struggle! Take comfort in that at least, right?! I am!
I feel your pain, I had a my two sons 2 yrs and 3 months apart and boy are we there. My oldest is almost 7 and I am still trying to figure it out. Out in the real world they are pretty good, at home not as much (best I can hope for right now). We do time outs (but I am not confident these are helpful but they give me a little bit of time to calm down), we do rewards and consequences. These seem to be my most effect efforts. The consequences took awhile to get them to understand, so when they were little, I tried to make them as soon as possible. Now that they are older they are little more severe and can be delayed. We just had an event (swearing in afterschool program) where I put him in a time out (at 6 3/4 yrs old) because I couldn't believe he said it. We don't swear, so it was definitely friend related! Then I removed all electronic games for the rest of the week. The threat of 1/2 his pack of pokemon cards is on the table should this every happen again. As for rewards, for my youngest we are working on pokemon (they are a little boys dream, I hope you don't have to deal with them but they work) cards for every time we wake up dry (night time potty training shouldn't be happening at 41/2yrs old! It's a struggle for sure but you are doing good. Sometimes you have to let the tantrums play out in public to prove a point to your child! Much to the upset of other patrons (they will survive!). I have literally dragged my children from the grocery cash the door because they used the limp technique! Good luck, the better moments make up for the crappy moments!
I think the mark of a child who's being brought up right is one who is good outside of the house, even though they test all the boundaries within the house. Or at least, I've heard that. I know it to be true for my four older children–adults are often singing their praises and I'm like, "Mmm… I'm not seeing the same behavior here at the house." We must not be doing it ALL wrong then, right? RIGHT?
It is a struggle. You sound like you're in the midst of it too. (And those public tantrums are the hardest!)
Ha, I commented below recommending two other books, but your comment here reminds me of "The Secret of Parenting," which is all about the "baby self" and the "mature self" and how everyone including adults has to learn to control the baby self and release it in safe spaces within reason. Which is why you collapse when you get home after a tough day, or find yourself in a teach conference saying "wait, are you talking about MY kid?"
I know we're talking about toddlers here…but my first thought on reading this original comment was: Me too. I'm MUCH more well-behaved outside the home than at home 😉
Ha, me three!
oh man, you can do it! that's the only thing i have learned. mine will be 4 in two weeks, and he was never easygoing, so the transition to "terrible" wasn't too shocking. 🙂 (even though sometimes i thought it couldn't get much terrible-er and then it DID!) however, i do know that when you feel like it's going to last forever and he's never going to learn to obey, or never going to stop screaming, or never going to eat again–it passes. just as the happy days pass too quickly, the hard days pass too.
for the record, i don't know what will ruin these kids or not, but i am putting my faith in the adage that consistency is key. so whatever you do, just do it, and when it's not working believe it will at some point sink in. ha. even if it means you have to hold the door shut while the kid screams at you and pounds like he's going to tear down the house…not that parker would ever do that!
even with all of the unbelievable behavior, 3 is soooo fun. they get so smart at 3. i loved it!
This struck a chord with me, Melissa. Have to remind myself everything is a phase, on the daily. In fact, after our seriously rough day this week, the next day he was a gem. When it was time to leave the playground, he was like, "No prob Mom!" So, they surprise you with the naughty and they surprise you with the good.
Consistency, very true.
I think that every year gets more difficult – unfortunately! There are new challenges and new behaviors that need to be addressed. It is hard work being a mama! Especially if your precious bundle of joy becomes less than joyful. I agree that the 3's were harder than the 2's. But, my oldest just turned 6 a few months ago, and my goodness the child thinks she is 16 sometimes! My youngest just turned 4 and he has learned whining from his sister, and we have a new little one on the way in a few weeks, and I have no idea how that is going to fit into the craziness! But, every day, no matter how hard, I thank God that I have these little ones in my presence all the time because it is so true when "they" say that the days are long but the years are short. So I am trying to cherish every bit of time that I can!
I don't think time outs work, or maybe I am just not as good as the Super Nanny. I think more outside time seems to help my kids behavior, but living in Maine makes that not so fun for Mama come February 🙂
That motto is one of my favorites. But boy do those days feel long sometimes!!
And you're right. Outside time — especially for those boys. Run the energy out. But come winter… eesh. Crossing my fingers for a mild one.
I hear ya! My oldest is a month older than Parker and we too have dealt with the whining, shrieking, flailing, stubborn obstinance, disrespect, etc. that can come with the 3s. Personally, I think that NOTHING makes you feel so humiliated and out-of-control as a parent as when your child is having a meltdown in public. I never know what to do. I feel judged by onlookers no matter what and usually end up hauling my tantruming child back to the privacy of the car where I can at least TRY to get some order back.
I've had several parents tell me about their rule to have their children obey "right away, all the way, in a cheerful way" and I love that concept. Unfortunately, I have no idea how to execute it! I often feel incompetent and incapable when it comes to teaching and discipline.
Rachel, preach it. We had a public meltdown recently and it was so humiliating and I felt like my parenting was under a microscope and let's just say I was so upset by it. It was like I couldn't even think straight.
I like that concept too but, like you, give me details! How do we execute that, people?!
I recently had a grocery store melt down and decided to try something new…so I grabbed her by her belly and turned her upside down and started tickling her:) she couldn't stop laughing and forgot all about why she was mad:)
I obviously don't have any answers since we're a month out from having our first…but honestly I don't think the newborn or baby phase is as intimidating to me as the toddler phase… so I'm going to love reading all the comments people leave!
Enjoy it, Lindsay! Despite my post and these comments, it is a magical time. I'd do it again and again and again if given the chance!
No kids here yet so unfortunately this advice isn't from tried and true practice, but I was reading another fav blog (LifeRearranged http://liferearranged.com/2014/09/being-unstoppablemoms-when-you-really-dont-want-to/) and she had a similar post yesterday with this quote: “If you take the time to worry that you’re doing it all wrong, chances are, you’re doing it all pretty good.”
BTW – I love your honest writing, and I will be coming back for motivation/help/encouragement when the day comes that I have my own kids -thanks for being a great blogger!
Thank you Leah! And for sharing that quote!
I pretty much like the thought of being out in the wild with you, it soothes me a bit 😉
As always, I really loved that blog post and your timing is amazing!
At the moment, I have no idea how to deal with the threes in addition to some crazy teens; this morning we were at the supermarket and he was hitting other customers with his mini cart – they reacted so nice and calm and understanding, even when he won't stop, I was so thankful, I bought them some flowers and after that cried in the car after dropping him off at a friends house for a playdate. Certainly this wasn't my finest hour of parenting but sometimes it's all a bit overwhelming.
Normally I could handle the tantrums ok, I stay calm, try to be strict without forgetting that he is just a child and keeping in my mind, that is all kind of normal because of the brain development and so on – I did some reading about that, which helped me understand what might be going on in the little head. But when it comes to the question whether to show my pain or not, I'm at a loss.
Sometimes I envy my Marc, my husband, who seems to be so sure and confident in what he is doing – I know he has his moments of doubts too but he seems to handle them so much better than I do.
To leave on a brighter note, I really like the conversations with him now, he is sooo fun and when he comes to cuddle a bit and smiles at me, I cling to the thought that I'm doing ok for as long as I could.
I like being out in the wild with you too, Licia!
You are the sweetest for buying flowers for the other customers. I love that. It is a bit overwhelming, and parenting has made me cry more times than I care to admit. You're not alone!
I think I'd benefit from learning more about the brains of these little ones and how it's all just par for the course as they develop and learn to be their own people.
I just wrote a looooong comment that got erased when my internet crapped out….grr. But I'll share some of my thoughts as well…
I have two boys. 5 and 7. It is HARD, and sometimes it's nice just to know that other moms struggle with the same things. Follow your instincts and know that what works for one child and one family may not work for others.
My own kids could not be more different. My older son was never really a huge challenge. When he'd throw a fit, I very quickly realized that the best approach was simply to ignore him and let him get over it. That includes public places. Don't worry about other people in stores or whatever… A lot of them are parents too and have been there. I've received a lot of encouragement along the way from other moms watching one of my kids flame out. Don't give in to them in an effort to make it easy that one time, because it will only be that much harder the next time.
My younger son is definitely harder. When he gets mad, he gets physical. He has to throw things, punch, hit, kick, scream… And he's getting big now – it hurts! So we do time outs, although I don't necessarily call them that. I have to remove him from the situation – sometimes physically – and put him in a room by himself until he calms down. And then after he calms, we talk about what happened. He's still tough, but I can see it getting better. School definitely helps with this I think.
Other thoughts:
– Agree with the comment about getting outside. All kids but I do think especially boys have so much energy – they have to let it out! Let them run as much as possible, and they will be better at sitting still when they need to.
– It's okay to say 'yes' sometimes. Get an ice cream when running errands, buy the matchbox car…it's especially nice to do it when they don't ask, when they're behaving well. The key is that it's only an exception and not the rule and that they understand that.
– Yes to praise. Let him know you're proud of him when he puts his coat on by himself. Tell him what a good helper he is when running errands. …
– Consistency and rules. Very often the answer is not "because I said so" (Is there anything more infuriating to hear as a kid?) but it's "because that's the rule". We try at least one bite of everything on our plate, we sit in car seats, we stay next to mom when we're in a store, we don't watch TV on weekdays, whatever it is. Make the rules and stick to them.
Good luck and remember to have fun along the way. There's really nothing better in the world than the hugs from a 3-year-old boy!
"Because that's the rule" — I like that. Because, yes! I hated "because I said so" as a kid too!
I ate up every bit of your comment and will probably come back for more. Thank you, Mary!
No, time outs do not work.
No, buying cars in grocery stores is bad precedent since you need to shop for food at least once a week.
If he throws himself down in a tantrum in public, simply vacate the premises with him in tow. Yes, leave behind a full grocery cart if you must.
He should have the time he needs to put on his own shoes or boots at this age. When you're rushed out the door, that is mama's fault, not the child's. Start earlier and choose footwear that fosters independence.
As you may already see, young children act out more at home and perform better in public as a general rule. Opportunities for him to be amongst other children his age where appropriate behavior is the general norm should be plentiful. If you're still opposed to a preschool program, he should be at the park every day playing with other littles and learning how to work it out. He is COMFORTABLE challenging you and falling apart for you. Now he needs to learn how to hold it together with others and that experience will come home to roost.
Good luck! Just the fact that you've asked for input shows you're a good mom.
We were outside today! Playing with other kids at the park! Ten points for me! (Right?)
I don't think I'll totally stop buying him a car from time to time at the grocery store however, Cynthia! But not every time, of course!
Timeouts do work. I use them on my 4 year old and have used them on my older 2 when they were younger. But I also spank! I know…so bad! I only spank for the more serious issues. Like letting go of my hand in a parking lot. And talking back to me or being disrespectful.
I sometimes by my kids a happy at the store because I like to and because I like happies (that is what my grandma calls them!) but I don't do it all the time and especially if they ask me for something over and over.
When my kids throw fits, I also remove them from the situation. We will go to a bathroom or out to the car or to an empty aisle. We address it immediately. I give them time to calm down and then we talk about it. Most of the time the fits are due to hunger, being tired, etc.
I can totally relate to exactly what you are going through. I have a few game changers that should definitely listen to/read when you have time.
The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting: Raising Children with Courage, Compassion, and Connection, which is audio by Brene Brown
The Conscious Parent & Out of Control by Dr. Shefali Tsabary – Oprah is actually doing a Lifeclass with her, the first episode aired on Sunday and the second one will air this Sunday.
Raising kids in the society we are in right now is HARD and breeds self-doubt and questions. It's so easy to question yourself and what you are doing. Brene Brown literally totally changed my life and The Conscious Parent is an incredible way of viewing and treating parenthood. It's a game changer, Bridget! GAME CHANGER.
Ooh. Thank you Amanda! I am really going to check these out. And anyone who Oprah loves, I love too.
I did read and really enjoyed Janet Lansbury's Elevating Childcare book, in case you want to check that one out!
Love this post! My son is ALMOST 2 and already gives me a run for my $$$$! I felt like I wrote your post myself. ( : Anyway, I'm not much into books because I like to try to figure stuff out myself, but I just bought a book that I saw on OWN (Oprah's network) last Sunday. It's called "The Conscious Parent." Have you heard of it? Anyway, if Oprah says it will work then I'm convinced! So far I'm enjoying it and I'm feeling hopeful. Check it out. I do feel blessed when kids are strong willed. I feel like it will only help them in this crazy world we live in. That's me being positive. ( : Best of luck!
You're the second person here to recommend it!
Thank you Lea!
I meant I do feel blessed that "my kid" is strong willed. Oops!
Oh man, I feel you. My son is just over 2 years old and he definitely has his moments. I've read articles and blogs and watched friends, and I'm no seasoned pro or anything, like I said he's only 2, but I finally figured out what sort of works for us and it's actually just a combination of all the things. What I finally figured out was that I could handle it better if I knew what was causing the bad behavior or tantrum. If he's mad that a toy isn't doing what he wants, no big deal – I offer to help him figure it out and if he won't let me help, then I just encourage him and try to ignore the fit. If he's throwing a fit because I said no to something he wanted, that's when I have to stay strong. Redirect his attention to something else and be firm, ignore the tantrum, and he usually gets past it. If he doesn't stop after I've said no and redirected him to something else, I'll threaten or actually put him in timeout and that usually works. If he makes a mess of something and I ask him to clean up and he refuses, we head towards timeout. You have to pick your battles so for me, I want him to listen when I tell him to do something, so if he doesn't after a time or two, he gets timeout. Then when he comes out of timeout, I explain why he was in timeout (Mommy said to pick up the cat food) and then I take him right back to what it was and tell him again. If he still refuses, he gets another time out. Rinse and repeat.
The biggest learning experience for me has been watching him and figuring out whether his fit is real (like he's hungry or wants something I didn't realize) or just for show. That and being consistent. When I stopped staring at him during tantrums not knowing what to do and instead started reacting with redirection and timeouts, the tantrums seriously subsided. That's my kid though, all kids are different.
Some of the other stuff you mentioned, I'm with you in the struggle. Telling him he hurt your feelings? I don't know. My little one usually cries when he sees his Grandma and then he warms up to her. It hurts her feelings a LOT and I'm struggling with how to handle it. He's too young to understand that it hurts her feelings, that when you see a family member you're supposed to smile and say hi and give hugs and kisses. We can ask him to do it but if he refuses, we can't force him or he'll just refuse more. And even negative attention is attention, so if he's hurting your feelings and you make a big deal about it, it's attention and he might keep doing it for the attention. At this age, they're constantly testing boundaries to see what gets a reaction and to see how far they can push. It helps sometimes to remember that.
Thank you for this comment–picking your battles… such wisdom in that. It's like, I don't want to be a flake, but I also don't want to pick them all because gosh! That'd be a lot of time outs. I agree with always explaining why he was in time out too!
This is exactly what we do and it works pretty well. Frustration, tiredness and hunger are usually the source of tantrums. Deciding what your boundaries are, and being consistent are key. Depending on the source of the tantrum I either ignore, or explain what's wrong. Sometimes I think the toddlers feel we don't understand so it helps if you feed back e.g. You are upset cos mom wouldn't buy you are car. Is that right?
Frania! You'd love Janet Lansbury's book (though, perhaps, you don't need it since I think you've got a lot of it down!). A lot about validating your child's feelings. While I do a lot of things wrong, I definitely talk to Parker a lot that way. "You're really mad because you couldn't do xyz aren't you?! That's so frustrating!" It feels juvenile but I think helps!
Reading these comments like it's life or death.
You and me both, you and me both.
Ha! Me too!
I feel ya, we aren't even in the two's yet (soon), but our boy has exploded with tantrums and expectations of having his way on his timing, a lot of which is strong personality I think. He's not a materialistic driven kid so that's not an issue when it comes to wanting things or expecting physical things, but when he wants attention, or juice, or to go outside, he expects it to happen right then and has started into a tantrum/screaming fit if it doesn't happen. We are working on his patience and have had to resort to just ignoring his tantrum or re-directing his attention. His patience is the biggest challenge and something we are constantly talking to him about because we are having another baby in a few months and there will be no choice, but to be patient. It's hard and often I feel I am screwing it all up!
I hear you, Emily. Hard to BE patient and hard to teach patience. Rest in the fact that we all feel like we're screwing it all up!!
Oh man. My Carter was a Parker. Textbook kid in every way. He was SO easy going. So sweet. So agreeable. Terrible twos? By golly…we skipped right through those. I got downright cocky about how well-behaved and manageable my two year old was. Even the threes seemed like a cake walk. Until one day, my three and half year old turned into a monster. I cried too. What the hell did I do wrong? Not MY kid! He must be sick. He must be getting a tooth. He must be tired. Growing pains? All I can say, is "this too shall pass." I tried everything to no avail. You cannot reason with crazy. Stick to your guns, be consistent, and ride out the storm. My Carter is now a well-behaved, sweet as pie, reasonable six year old. It's a phase. A rough one at that. Hang in there Mama! You are not alone.
Ha. I laughed through the beginning of your comment because we so are the same. Easiest child of all time. So the tantrums really throw me for a loop now! I'm glad to hear you're on the other side of it!! Hanging in there!
On the flip side, there is nothing as lovey as four… Best age ever (says this mom to an 8, 9 and 10-year old)
I'm glad to hear that!! And there are times (at night in bed) when threes can be sooooo darn sweet (but then I'm like, "how can you be such a tyrant other times and so stinking sweet now?!").
Ah, toddlers.. To tame or to trust? I love Naomi's take on this and find her so refreshing.. Thought I'd pass along just in case it resonates with you 🙂
http://naomialdort.com/articles9.html
Big hugs!
I will check that out, thank you Meghan!
Set boundaries and be consistent!!! Like you, I have 2 way older kids (I know you have 4) and then my 4 year old. We still butt heads a lot BUT I am the boss and he knows it.
If he wants to put his own shoes on and you are in a hurry, say "I will let you put your shoes on in the car, but if you don't have it done by the time we get to the park, I will do it for you".
I believe in giving kids choices. Easy choices. "Do you want to read a book or eat a snack before bed?" and then they answer and I don't budge after they have told me their choice.
Some things they know they have to let me do and they have to follow the rules. Like brushing teeth 2x a day. Changing underwear and clothes. LOL! Eating 3-4 bites of each item I give them for dinner. etc etc etc.
Parenting at any age is tricky! Just find what works for you and stick with it!!! And remember, this is just a phase and you are doing a great job!!!
oh and I also might be against the norm, but I talk to my kids about so many things. I let them know when something hurts my feelings or if I don't like something. I want them to always be able to express themselves in a good way. So if they don't know how I feel about something, they will have a hard time letting others know about their feelings as well.
Alice, I totally agree on the choices thing! Sometimes I boil it down to this: treat them how I would want to be treated. Obviously, we still have to get stuff done, and they haven't totally learned the respect bit, but do I like choices? Yes! So why wouldn't he?
It is so tricky. We're all trying our best. Thank you for your comment!!
I've always thought the "Terrible Twos" was such a rotten rap for kids since it's really the parents who do most of the adjusting during that time, kids are doing what comes naturally to them, that is putting their "toe" in the world and finding out how strong that bond is between "mommy and me". This process seems to be even more exaggerated at three. Unless we're dealing with a psychopathic child (and that's clearly not the case here), it is expected and should be applauded that your son is testing you and your limits. That just spells maturation to me. The real job is to remain firm in your boundaries and expectations and carry them out with a voice that is best thought of as velvet covering steel. No backing down. No whimpering (on your part, lol). You're really much further ahead in the parenting game if you can acknowledge that you child has behaviors that are not acceptable but that you are up to the challenge of being that solid, unshakable, willing to hide your tears Momma who will provide him the structure to learn to "get along in this family, this community, this world".
Is it helpful to tell a 3 year old that he's hurt your feelings? My experience would be that this is best swallowed up and shared with another adult. In the end it seems that over time when we teach our kids to do the right thing just because it's the right thing to do then their emotions come along with this. Before you know it you might be uttering "It really hurt my feelings that you went to your girlfriend's parents over Thanksgiving and didn't come home to see us". Thoughtfulness is easily modeled to the young. Invoking any sense of guilt in a child can be risky since their psyche construction isn't yet completed. I once dealt with my 10 year old son's "bullying" a kid at school by hatching and carrying out a plot to "verbally bully" our beloved family dog. Lesson learned quickly. This parenting job requires creativity and turning on a dime. You're clearly such a creative person that you'll get this whole thing down in a snap.
I have read something similar to what you're saying here–I think in Janet Lansbury's book–about sharing our emotions with them almost being manipulative. It's unnatural for me NOT to, but I do think it might be best. Like you said, it's almost an attempt to get them to feel guilty which they might not understand! And better to have them do the right thing because it's right, not because they're afraid of hurting someone.
Thank you so much for your comment, Luann!
(I hope this isn't a duplicate, please delete if so?)
3.5 with boys is….ugh. As Ask Moxie once put it, "the nadir of human existence." Did you know boys have a testosterone spike around that age equivalent to the onset of puberty? I am so glad I'd heard that going in, because otherwise I REALLY would have freaked out when my sweet, gentle, funny son suddenly turned into a maniac. So much weeping. So many threats. So physical and aggressive and nutty. He turned four in August and it's gotten a lot better, but I really found that consistency, sympathy, and pouring on the love helped most.
I've just started reading the classic "How to Talk so your kids will listen, and listen so your kids will talk," and it is AMAZING. Every parent needs it (for all ages). I wish I'd read it when he was a baby!
We've also used "1-2-3 Magic" since he was 2.5 to help us stay consistent and not lose our tempers. Also highly recommended.
I am so glad to hear about that testosterone spike!! I swear, if we could learn more of the science, it'd at least explain the irrational behavior and thus make it a bit easier!
I have that book! Thank you for the reminder. Getting it off the shelf… now.
And pouring on the love, amen.
ha! This sounds a lot like my experience except her "terribles" came earlier! We had many days free of crying, she slept through the night at two months without any crying it out! Such a dream! She was the BEST baby and I felt really confident as a mom (ha!) but about the time 18 months hit the tantrums came and turned my world upside down! She's almost 2 now and I'm just praying it all calms down around three! For her tantrums I've found that if I can restrain her somewhat (just holding her hands or arms so she can't hit me) and talk her through it with a calm voice she calms down about 80% of the time. also, if she starts throwing a fit in a public place I try to ignore it as much as I can and just let her cry it out- even though it's awkward- as long as she's not endangering herself (her favorite thing to do is the "dying swan" throw yourself all the way back) because I don't want to give her attention for that kind of behavior. To be honest though, a lot of days I just feel completely lost! It's so hard!
I've heard girls hit it sooner (and then leave it sooner) than boys. So take comfort!
Dying swan. That's so accurate!
I highly recommend the book, Wild Things; the Art of Nurturing Boys. Its a wonderful blend of brain chemistry/developmental milestones along with breaking down what makes boys tick and how to meet their needs as a parent. And bonus…it breaks down their development all the way into adulthood.
My boys are 6 and 4 and my daughter is 2. On our best days, I have praised the heck out of their good behavior, ignored the majority of the moderately poor behavior and disciplined swiftly and firmly the truly poor behavior.
Parenting is hard. It just is. But you are doing a great job. And it's all going to be ok. Really.
I believe you — I do think it'll all be okay. Steve and I waver between telling ourselves that (with all five kids) and then other days thinking, "Never! They're never growing out of this!" We have good days and bad days 🙂
I agree that three can be harder than two. My personal tough stage (as a mama, not as a kid, haha) was actually 18 months – two years, with both of my children.
The thing that helps us the most is to draw a big picture of what we want for our kids. For us, the key thing we are concerned about is obedience, truthfulness and kindness. Those are the two biggies. So, we choose to draw big, fat boundaries and battle lines around those three. Behaviour that is disobedient, deceptive and unkind makes us step up to the mark and go toe to toe (with whatever parenting strategies sit with your philosophy, be it punishment, time out, one on one discussion etc). My personal feeling is that when kids are older, there is very little you can do about a disobedient or deceptive 'bent' in your child. Where there is no truth, you absolutely cannot make progress. So I am TOUGH on truth.
A phrase that helps me is: discipline is for character, not for immaturity. That is, I discipline and engage with my kids over issues that demonstrate character problems (like the ones I mentioned above) not for things like (and i know this isn't you but it's an example) not being able to sit still or crying/whining when they're tired etc. Those things are possible more annoying than the character ones, but they're about immaturity and development, not the 'heart'.
So, in the moment of tantrums and yuckiness, ask yourself (if you can) what the bigger issue is that's at stake. Sometimes it's not about a sandwich cut in triangles or squares — it's about control. And if that's happening, then it's clear to me: this is a battle that I need to win. Sometimes it is just about triangles or squares though 😉 That's why discernment and reflection is key.
I get it wrong a lot though :/
Lacey, this makes a lot of sense. Thank you for your comment!
I've heard some good things about Parenting Without Power Struggles. I haven't read it yet (it's on my to-read list, along with every other book on this post/in the comments), but I thought I'd throw it out there. My daughter is 13 months- the age where the will starts to come out, but discipline looks a lot more like redirection than anything else. I think you're doing a great job.
As someone else mentioned, timeouts can be good for the parent to calm down as well. I think that's a fair point, and useful at all ages. Margaret isn't being 'bad' on a super fussy day, but sometimes putting her in her crib for five minutes {where she's totally safe!}, means that I can take a breather. And usually when I go back in, she's happily playing with a board book or small toy. Sometimes I feel like parenting is sometimes for me, not just her. 🙂
Yes, the time out is as much for me as it is for him! Sometimes, anyway. Thank you for the book recommendation, Lauren!
First off, I have no advice.
However, you are SO not alone. I'm right there with you.
It's always good to know other moms are on the same page.
Thanks for sharing your heart,
and as soon as I have a few extra minutes i'll be reading through the comments to see if I can glean a tip or two for my own wild and crazy parenting ride.
=)
xox
Thank you Becky! We're in this together! Thank goodness for other Moms.
Hi Bridget! I really appreciated reading your post. My oldest is 4.5 now and I just want to encourage you that it gets easier! My daugther is a fiery red head with a will of iron. The threes were a tough time with her and I have to admit that I enjoyed my favorite beer on her fourth birthday in celebration of her life AND leaving the tumultous threes;)
1.) Choices are your friend! This age is all about the child wanting to be independent and feeling like they have a say in everything. Choices are a life saver. Ex: Sophia, would you like to put your shoes on now or in 2 minutes?
2.) Foster independence in any way possible. Let him try to spread that peanutbutter and jelly sandwich. A three year old child wants to be the master of his environment. Finding ways to help him become more independent definitely leads to better behavior in my experience.
3.) Time-outs: If one of my daughters is having a temper tantrum I say, "Wow, you must be really tired if you are behaving this way. You need to go rest for 5 minutes in your room to compose yourself. We sure will miss you while you're resting and look forward to seeing you back down stairs." I set a timer and they can come out of their room if they have a happier heart. This way the kids don't feel shamed or feel like they are 'bad'.
When dealing with the tough moments I try to remain FIRM but FRIENDLY. In doing so, I am able to keep my emotions out of the situation which is best for everyone 🙂
Anyway, I hope some of this is helpful! Hang in there! You have a beautiful family.
Lianna,
I LOVE this comment. This sort of parenting approach sooooo resonates with me. And also is so reminiscent of the Janet Lansbury book I just finished.
I'm definitely letting Parker take more responsibility in the kitchen. The other day he managed to put raisin toast in the toaster (with a little bit of help) for him and his Dad and then he buttered it! The look of pride is so priceless.
Your number three–spot on.
Really, I like all of this. Please keep coming back and commenting routinely 🙂 I think I would love to glean more from you!!
xo
Disclaimer: please excuse this ridiculously long technical, geeky response but this topic is so interesting to me! I am a behavior analyst for children with autism and almost all of the same principles apply to neurotypical kids. I study and manipulate childrens' behavior for a living and collect large amounts of data to make sure the program is working. :)))
We use 100% positive reinforcement! The goal is to replace every "bad" behavior with an appropriate behavior. If a child acts out, we try to figure out what the antecedent (reason) for that behavior was and respond appropriately. There is always a reason for a behavior whether it be escaping a situation/task, getting an item, or wanting attention. If a child hits another child because they want a toy, we would say "Oh, Billy we can use our hands to tap Susie and ask for a turn". If they are messing with a display in a store, I would give them a fidget toy such as a stress ball or stretchy figure to hold or play with with instead and let them know that displays are only for grown-ups to touch but they can have the toy or keep their hands down by their sides instead….then give them lots of excited praise and a hug when they follow directions. Instead of telling them "no, don't do that" they are shown the correct alternative behavior in a positive way and praised or rewarded when they do it right. Kids by nature love positive reinforcement, so over time this becomes habit and we "fade" the rewards or praise to a minimum because at that point the new behavior is expected. By using the word "we" instead of "you" it also lets the child know that this is not a rule just for them. It is something that everyone abides by. I have had students turn complete 180's in their behavior while never once in 2 years using the words "no" or "don't". I never yell and never raise my voice because the child learns best in a calm and logical atmosphere that teaches rather than scolds.
We also use token reward systems for good behavior and they work really well. This is an excellent resource for using them with toddlers! http://discipline.about.com/od/increasepositivebehaviors/a/Create-A-Token-Economy-System-To-Improve-Your-Childs-Behaviors.htm
I hope this gave you some help. I don't have kids of my own and am NO expert- this is just professionally a couple of tricks I have learned. You are doing such a great job with all of your kids. I can sense your love for your amazing family in every post. Keep doing what you're doing girl!
"we" instead of "you" – Lauren, I'm taking that one to my grave! Thank you.
I will reread this comment several more times, I think.
as a sped teacher and mum of 2, i agree whole heartedly with her approach. i cannot say i don't ever, or even infrequently, yell, because i do.
all people want attention in some form… grown adults, particularly, do better when it's positive recognition. so i guess i'd say try and focus on that and the other behaviors will be extinguished.
No problem! Glad it was any help. It sounds weird at first to say "We pee in the potty instead of on the floor!" or "We talk in quiet voices when we're at the grocery store but we can yell at the playground" when you're supposed to be telling the child what to do, but after a while it just became habit and I don't think about it anymore. It almost makes it click in their head that "wow, even mommy and daddy are following this rule! everyone is! I should too!" It will take a while for there to be progress and he might test you a lot at first but 100% consistency is key to making it a shorter process.
Thanks Erin! hey girl, no harm no foul on the yelling. I have to restrain from raising my voice and used to a LOT more than I should until I figured out it wasn't helping me. You are so amazing for what you do! Keep it up!
Bridget, this is so interesting. I was going to comment with a similar approach. We've learned so many useful tactics from Tuck's therapy that I now apply to all my kids when I need to. Reinforcement is huge, and trying to find out what really triggered the tantrum. An example I like is: If a child throws a tantrum every time they have to put their shoes on, and in turn you send them to time out, you're reinforcing that bad behavior since now that child has escaped the very thing they didn't want to do. In their mind, they've won. (Ugh!)
Before I learned more about this I totally would have waited it out and put my kids in time out for a bit, not knowing that I was setting a bad habit & reinforcing bad behavior. Now I try to just push through. Completely ignore the tantrum, no eye contact what so ever, no words- just shove those shoes on his feet & out we go. We don't even "talk" about it after. BUT, when they put their shoes on the first time, without tantrum there is genuine, happy praise & they are so proud! I could go on and on- I have a whole book about this method, hahaha. I mostly apply it to Tuck, but it's been helpful in understanding behaviors and how habits can be broken.
I'm also a big believer in warnings and choices. My kids needs to be warned when the activity is going to change (especially Tuck & Finn), and when I remember to give them one it's so much smoother a transition.
My girlfriend just wrote about something I loved too- she said to remember "it's their day too". I love remembering this when I have a day of errands or something mostly for me- those are the days to buy that in the checkout line, or the bag of skittles at the gas station (Finn's fav), or skip making dinner and take mcdonald's to the park instead:) It's their day too!
Thank you very much, Lauren
"It's their day too" — Chelsea, I loved that (among everything else you wrote). So good to remember that.
3 words for you. Love and Logic. I've used it all 18 years of teaching. For grades 1-8. It's all about choices and avoiding power struggles. I work with the hardest kids in 8th grade, all in one class together and have no discipline problems. Get it for your teenagers, too. It's such an easy approach but works amazingly while honoring and respecting your kids.
I have also heard RAVE reviews of this book! I'm dying to read it.
A few of my favorite mom friends, whom I really look up to swear by this book.
You're not the first to recommend it — I think it is going into my Amazon cart… now.
I'm just going to come back here in X number of years when this pertains to me….because it is too good not to follow up on. You have the best commenters in all of blogland!
Sarah, you'll have more wisdom than you know — teachers are ahead of the game!!
Do some research on love and logic! I'm not parenting anyone, but I have 11 preschoolers that are proving it to be an effective strategy! Do some research on it! The main concept–immediate and meaningful consequences. (i.e, you throw a toy across the classroom and it breaks, you're not going to timeout because you'll forget what landed you there. instead you can come pick it up.) Good luck!
Done! And thank you!
oh my gosh, i read every comment on here and reread quite a few. so many helpful tips from mamas. the internet is an amazing tool for parenting in this generation!!
i have NO advice really, as we are just now in our mid-2's with a very sweet, very independent and strong willed little boy. he goes from snuggliest ever to chucking toys across the room in frustration in no time. always surprises me, and i know the 3's are coming. and i wanted to burst into tears at your honesty in saying how much it shocked you. "not my child! what happened to my obedient eager-to-please son?" has been something i've already had racing through my head, and we're not even to 3 yet.
we use love & logic on him most of the time (but some days everything is a crapshoot and some of that is my own inconsistency/insecurity about parenting at ALL). love & logic works well for him for things like "oh how sad! you threw your truck and we don't throw toys, so your truck has to go to time out" and truck sits up on the counter in view but not in reach. lots of choices in this line of thinking, everything from "would you like to turn the ipad off now or in 2 minutes?" to "would you like to put your jammies on first or brush teeth first?" anyway – choices work pretty well for him now, they help him know a transition is coming, and so far have helped redirect when a meltdown in imminent. but – like anything, it doesn't work every time because these little sweethearts have their own mindsets about stuff too, and i love the janet lansbury approach that it's their day too, and their body, and their world.
i think the answer for all of us in the trenches is a combination of instinct, parenting styles we can read about & learn, and a whole LOT of love and consistency.
it's really freaking hard, but what good work to make little people ready for the world. on really hard days, i try to at some point (usually after he's in bed!) think about how fast 2.5 years with him has gone, and the next 2.5 will go by fast too even though some days are eternally long and exhausting and frustrating. mothering someone is really vulnerable and like having a mirror held up in front of your face, especially when they are acting out or publicly melting down (THEWORST) and your response is really public and raw too.
really longwinded – but just want to give you a virtual high five and say "you're doing it! so am i! we're not alone!!!" and please keep sharing. it is so, so encouraging to just not feel like i'm the only one whose really sweet kiddo acts crazy sometime. (my fave comment was "you can't reason with crazy." haha) xo
Love everything you're saying here, Jess! And I will definitely keep sharing… this is volume 1 in a hundred-volume series, let's just say. 🙂
oh no! my comment just disappeared! oh well….. just wanted to say there is SO MUCH great advice in this post that i need to take some time to read through. My almost-two-year-old is generally really good, but I see glimmers of "terrible twos" and I want to equip myself with as much information as possible on how to handle!
Oh no, my comment disappeared too! Anyway, I wanted to recommend The Whole Brain Child. It's a great book that explains what is going on in brain development at different ages, and how to respond appropriately. The idea is to recognize biologically why your kid is acting crazy/ridiculous/whatever and handle the situation in a way that promotes emotional intelligence and helps them develop into a well-rounded person rather than just reacting in whatever way will make them stop the fastest. The authors give lots of strategies for different ages. Though the authors are scientists, it is really easy and interesting to read. Also, I just saw today that they have another book out: http://time.com/3404701/discipline-time-out-is-not-good/.
And just so you know, based on what I know about you from your blog, you're a really good mom. Really good.
My 20 month old has started throwing tantrums and doing a bit of pushing and yelling 'no!' at her cousin these days when he's around (worried he'll take her toys..??) so all of this runs through my mind on the regular – I have no idea what is the 'right' way to handle a tantrum or a display of possessiveness or jealousy…and I fear that a lack of consistency will just make things harder but since I question my reactions constantly I am definitely never in the realm of being consistent…. why is parenting so hard?!
I don't have much to say, considering I'm not anywhere near to becoming a parent, but one thing I've learned while training to be a pediatrician may help you: there are very, very few wrong ways to be a parent. Seriously. You can do this. In fact, you already are. Best of luck to you and all the mommas going through rough spots. You are all awesome!
I have not read all of the comments thoroughly just yet, but there are tons of great ideas here!
I will echo what some have already said–that choices have been great for dealing with my two-year-old–and yes, it's a lot of the Love & Logic stuff that I use with my 8th graders at school too.
The key with choices (which probably has been mentioned) is giving two options and making both options favorable to you and him, which seems obvious, but I guess it wasn't always for me.
Tell him what you want to see him doing/acting/behaving like, not what you don't want.
And….tons of positive reinforcement and praise for when you are so proud of him for doing the right things :))
Fun to read all the stuff here……we are all in it together :))
Oh gosh, I'm so there. Once my daughter turned three everything changed. I've realized that she is most definitely "strong-willed." She can be very sweet and calm, but is also opinionated, independent, and stubborn. There have definitely been tears on my end. I have three books lined up to read: Raising Your Spirited Child, The Strong-Willed Child, and The Happiest Toddler on the Block. I'm not a parenting-book reader, but I need serious help here!!
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