well, the last week has been a little stressful over here. maybe a little more than a little. really stressful, a bunch of unknowns. the stuff that just seems to pile on and make you feel all sorts of unsettled and vulnerable in your life with a very narrow tunnel-perspective that doesn’t seem to be able to focus on anything but the negative. which is so stupid and sucky because then shit really hits the fan and you’re like, “god, what i wouldn’t give to have those worries back instead of these real ones.” you know? so anyway, at 4 am, my mind was active and so by 7 am when the rest of the house was active, i was hungry but lacked the energy or motivation to actually cook a decent breakfast. since steve’s class schedule gives him some wiggle room on fridays, we went to a diner for breakfast. a diner can be such a nice atmosphere to be leisure. glasses clinking, coffees being refilled, the smell of bacon cooking and chatter all around. we all go through crap, don’t we? that’s the thing. so, i sat there feeling heavy (but a little less heavy, having gotten out of the house and a little bit out of my head too) and realized, at some point, that i didn’t expect the crap. i don’t know what to blame this on. my own naivety? the fact that my childhood was normal rockwell-esque? i find myself surprised when hard things happen to me. what a stupid thing. i feel like i shrink under the heaviness of it all sometimes. of life, in general. like i am so in my head, so in the future, virtually unable to grasp the present moment and give myself some grace. unable to see that the positive outweighs the negative. unable, even now, to be sure that it does. i look at other people, going through real things, and marvel at their resilience. where’s mine? when things are hard, i just want a corner to cry in. i have somehow bought into this idea that the real hard stuff can happen to those people, but not to me. it’s so ridiculous, and untrue, and foolish. and damn, then i read stories, awful stories, shared on facebook or twitter like rapid fire, and i think, “now that’s real hard stuff. this isn’t.” i know everything is real and true as you’re going through it, mine and yours, but i guess what i’m saying is that i wish i were more resilient. to others, it probably appears that i am, but in my head i feel so weak as i walk through hard times. i don’t feel strong, and i wish i did.
this all sounds heavier than necessary, i think. it’s just my thoughts as i sat at breakfast this morning and as steve and i talked through life and pain and relationships. so, here i am, blogging it. thanks for reading.
I've been extremely blessed in my life thus far, and it's been a bit of a "nerfy" life (office reference). I know that the longer I live, the more difficulty I will face. I definitely don't want to advocate pessimism or negativity, but I'm also of the mindset that just because my struggle isn't as big as someone else's is doesn't mean it's not a struggle. Do I need perspective if I start to whine about a minor headache when someone else is experiencing a terminal illness? Absolutely! However, I'm hesitant to say that my own issues aren't valid just because they're not terminal. I don't want to put words in your mouth that you're saying nothing only the worst of the worst issues really matter; you may not be saying that. Anyway, that's my two cents. I find that it's a hard balance because I never want to be a complainer, and in my head I know that God will take care of me, and regardless of the junk in this life I have the hope of a home in heaven, but I'm human and pain is painful and hard not to wallow in sometimes! I'm typing this on my phone so it seems not that long, but when I hit post I may discover I've written a novel. Forgive me for taking over your comment section! 😉
I am the exact same way. I somehow managed to have a pretty scar-free childhood, so I often feel like I'm such a baby and can't handle anything, especially, like you said, when I see what others are going through. I, too, wish I was more resilient and am always taken aback when something even slightly off happens.
As far as trying to be more positive about things, I always love this poem to help adjust my perspective:
http://bookdiva.wordpress.com/tag/the-ponds-by-mary-oliver/
beautiful poem!! i love how it goes from the beautiful lilypads to noticing their imperfections. thanks for sharing.
Absolutely! Glad you liked it : ).
Sometimes it's okay to dwell in your own misery. Sometimes it's okay to realize that someone else might be going through something worse. All of your feelings are ones that I've felt before. Hugs, and I hope things are looking up soon.
I'm sorry to read that, Bridget. I wish you some sunshine, literally and figuratively and of course strength and courage to fight through your struggles. Once again, I admire your ability to put your feelings in such a well written post and I feel (again) really close to you.
While reading, I nod all the time, sighed and wanted to show your post to others for explaining to them how I feel. I would love to give you some sort of advice, something to help you, to lighten up your days right now, like you always manage to do for me with your blog, but I didn't find a way yet so I'll keep on worring and thinking and wishing the childhood days back, when everything seems to be so easy and when times got rough, mum and dad somehow manage to fix it.
you're so sweet to me. thanks so much, friend. wish i could chat with you over a cup of coffee!
can definitely relate to this. but what i'm realizing is that we're too hard on ourselves. you're dealing with things in the best way you know how. don't beat yourself up about it. perhaps when this passes you'll have the ability to reflect and handle the next tough time differently, but for now, be kind to yourself. we're all human. xx
I don't think you give yourself enough credit. Or maybe you give 'those other people' more credit than needed. What I mean to say is that I think we can take on a lot more than we think. And that's not just because we are all stronger and tougher and way cooler than we suspect, but we, simply said, don't have that much of a choice. When life gives you something to chew on, you only can try to make it work. What else could you do? Ofcourse there is that corner and we all crawl in there now and then and feel really, really sorry for ourselves. That's ok. That's allowed. That's good too, in some way, we need that sometimes. But ultimately you will get out of that corner (I suddenly have the time of my life singing in my head), even without patrick swayze (;-)) and deal with whatever life brings to your doorstep.
Because you are strong enough. You are cool enough. You are tough, kind, sweet, caring, resilient enough. You are human.
*end of speech* (Sorry for the wordiness. I sometimes don't know how to stop…!)
you're right. there isn't a choice. that's so poignant.
patrick swayze would make everything feel so much better though, wouldn't he?
thank you for this sweet comment.
Oh man. I'm sorry. And I'm there. We've been going through a hard season for awhile now (with minor breaks before something else starts back up again). For me, I was not taught conflict resolution….at. all. Or even taught that it's ok to be hurt/angry. The older I get and face life's hard times, I realize I need more tools. To know how to stand up for myself. To have to say 'no' sometimes. To actually learn and practice forgiveness. To confront. To have patience and grace. It's such a messy world. Everyone with their own problems, values and felt perceptions of how things are. I'm glad you've got a husband that takes you out and talks things over with you! I say kuddos to you for acknowledging and working through your pain and hurt.
so true – amazing how we carry around these wounds/burdens/etc. from childhood that we don't even realize. sounds like you DO recognize it though. kudos to YOU as well!
I totally relate to this post. I've been going through some tricky postpartum and life things lately, and vacillate between feeling like I have it the hardest of anyone and woe is me and why why why,and then feeling like I need to be more tough and suck it up. I'm trying to remind myself that feeling bad about feeling bad doesn't help and so am trying to show myself some kindness, the type I'd show a friend in the same situation. It's harder than it sounds.
postpartum is real and tough–i so hope you have a lot of loved ones around you to support you! and that you feel some sustaining happiness very soon, sara! 🙂
I smiled as I read your post, not because of the hard things you are going through but because every one feels exactly the same you do when crap happens. They look at others and feel they are so resilient while they themselves are weak. You are stronger than you think! The fact that you recognize others have harder things than yours shows that you are strong. It is okay to feel its unfair and you shouldn't have to go through this. The difference between a strong person and a weak person is that they dwell on the crap too long and never move forward. Just by talking about it makes you a strong person as it shows that you are working through it and moving forward.
Have never commented before, but, as many others have said I am consistently blown away by your courage in confessing such honest thoughts/fears/worries/emotions on this public forum. You might underestimate how many people read this and take comfort in the realization 'Oh..so it's not just me.' Anyways, interesting that you bring this point up as I recently discussing the exact same idea with a friend the other week after the anniversary of the Boston Marathon. I watched the stories, pains and mostly triumphs of victims and felt like if I was handed that kind of adversity I would not be able to overcome it and accept it and make the best of it. It's a frightening and vulnerable feeling. I also had a pretty cushy childhood which may contribute, but I think that no one really ever expects hard things to happen, or sits there preparing for them. And you're probably a lot stronger and more capable than you give yourself credit for! I too have such a hard time living in the present, something I'm always trying to work on instead of desperately trying to pin down the past and wastefully worrying about the future. I guess what I'm saying is, you're not alone, if that's any comfort! And unfortunately self-doubt loves company, and it's nice to hear that other people have also called their resilience into question. Not sure if you've heard this Ted Talk on vulnerability, it's not completely related but it may inspire you for a day or two so check it out if you get a chance! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o
Appreciate your honesty as always! Stay positive, focus on the good things, and take it day by day. A couple of timeless clichés never hurt.
this is such a nice comment, colleen. thanks so much for it, and for that ted talk link!
xo
i feel all of this briget and can completely relate. that tunnel feeling, that feeling of hopelessness, the guilt when you compare your problems to someone else's. i don't know what you're going through but i can certainly lift you up tonight. thinking of you!
Perhaps your ability to grasp emotion with such tensity and depth is your strength. If it has you thinking, observing and writing about it, then your strength lies is gaining expansion from your (amazing) self-awareness. I mean, noticing resilience in others shows there is resilience in you, don't be so hard on yourself.
"Death and life are in the power of the tongue; those who love it will eat its fruit."
Tunnels are temporary structures on any journey, you'll make it out just fine, better than fine!
All the best!
Bridget, I am totally with you on this post! I remember when we were moving for the second time intercontinentally in 2 years how I felt packing again after just having moved. I just looked at my running shoes and thought of lacing them on and running, just running down the road and away from my worries, my sleepless nights, my dwindling strength. Moving continents and jobs did beat the shit out of me. And I wasn't good at it. And after we moved: Hurricane Sandy hit us. It was rough. But the world kept turning and I didn't collapse. At least not every day. I did cry a lot, bitched more than I am proud of. But it got better. And the change hurt but it wasn't forever. Was this decision the best one? Probably not. But at least we got through it. Hang in there. The world will bring sunny days to make the nasty hard ones a little bit easier. And on days when all else fails: french fries help…as my mom used to say.
Honestly, I think that's how we all feel when were going through hard things. Like: Gosh, other people totally have it together, even when it's rough. I bet no one really feels like they have it together. It's an act, and I don't say that like it's a bad thing–that's just how it goes some times. Fake it 'till you make it. Hope all goes better for you and yours!
I'm probably echoing what many others have said, but I have felt exactly this. Thank you so much for being open and sharing this-although today was a good day, reading your words brings relief and comfort for the bad ones that will inevitably come. It's nice to know others can empathize. There is strength in that simple truth. Thanks again!
you've conveyed in words what I've been trying to adequately say for a few weeks now. When it rains it pours, huh? I think sharing things, no matter how heavy they come across, takes courage and strength. Thanks for sharing. 🙂
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