I was talking a little while back about writing a serious post on faith and at least one of you (or only one of you) said they wouldn’t mind reading it (I also realize a post without pictures is one that the majority of you will skip entirely. That’s ok. I do it too.). This was a good three months ago probably. As you might’ve noticed, serious posts are few and far between here at Tales of Me & the Husband. Not because I don’t think serious thoughts. Nail polish, puppy dogs, and butterflies are not all that’s on my mind. Just most of the time. Truth be told, I am not a terribly serious person–those who know me can probably attest to that. But, I can be, when the time calls for it, and the time calls!
So, here goes nothing. My first real post on faith. It’s not going to be too long and I have compartmentalized my thoughts because if I took you on my whole journey then Blogger might run out of memory and my blog would be kicked off the network. Can that happen?
As I was saying, here goes nothing. I would say faith doesn’t come very easy to me. I would say that it used to. But I think that’s mostly because I wasn’t asking hard questions and was more content being naieve. My goal here is not to rock your faith whatsoever. Wherever you are, be there. If you feel what I’m saying though, then ask the questions yourself. So, my question is really this: how can God be all-powerful and all-loving? I am not the person who can read the news headlines and turn around and chat about the weather. I mean, I would say I do that sometimes, but mostly out of necessity because otherwise every single day would be depressing. Right? If you really let your heart be heavy with every single death, earthquake, or bombing, your day would halt entirely. I don’t understand these things. Now, I know I’m not supposed to. God is in control. Yada yada yada. I am sick of those answers. If God is all-powerful, why do these things happen? Does he see the plate tectonics shifting and the tides rising and choose not to do something about it? If that’s true, then how is he all-loving? On the other hand, if he sees the shifting and the rising and can’t do anything about it, though he wants to, then how is he all-powerful? An all-powerful and all-loving God just does not make sense to me. This doesn’t mean I still don’t hope and pray for a future that God will bless. This doesn’t mean that I don’t love Jesus his son, and think about his sacrifice. It also doesn’t mean that I think I have the answers. I will be the first to admit, I do not have the answers. I am glad I am not in charge. I am glad He is and that, despite my doubts and questions, He’s still there. I remember my favorite professor (my husband!) telling the class once, “He’s a big God. And He’s not afraid of our questions.” I rest in that.
These days I consider Him to be an all-loving God. And perhaps not an all-powerful one. Or perhaps one that chooses not to be all-powerful (which still raises an issue for me… if he’s choosing not to be all-powerful). But, if perhaps that was his choice before time barely began, to let the world run its course and sit back and love us despite ourselves, and mourn with us when we mourn, I can understand that a little better. Deciding on a dime that now’s the time to jump in might seem like his plan wasn’t a well-thought out one. It’s the whole answered and unanswered prayers thing that gets me. “God healed my Mom from cancer!” What about the Mom who wasn’t healed? Were their prayers not fervent and desperate enough? Or how about an initial surgery to remove a tumor failing… but the second one works. “God answered that prayer.” Why didn’t he just make the first surgery work? Here’s one of my favorite examples. I am in a small group Bible study and I remember hearing the story of a woman in Africa being raped. She was ostracized and kicked out of her village because of this. Simultaneously, elsewhere, a missionary was raped. The two were devastated by what had happened to them and couldn’t understand why God would let it happen. Then they found each other. They found comfort in each other and became close friends all because of the tragedy they’d both experienced. God did have a plan. At least that’s how it was told at a missionary conference. But, I’m wondering, why couldn’t we just have avoided both rapes in the first place? To boil it down, reduce the entire argument to them finding each other to be the simple answer to this unthinkable act drives me insane. How about God have protected both of the women in the first place and avoided both rapes? I think Christians get into really murky waters when trying to figure these things out and I should just let it alone. But to be honest, I’m sick of not asking the questions. I know that a lot of people who have loved and lost have been seriously burned by the Christians when, upon losing their loved ones, are supposed to take solace in the words, “All things work for the good.” I think we are better to listen, love, and be a shoulder to cry on. So, here I go, on another tangent, and I said this wouldn’t be long (woops!) but it’s the all-loving and all-powerful thing that gets me these days. I don’t know what to make of it.
I’ll keep trying. Or maybe I’ll stop trying at some point and just conclude that I won’t have the answers in this lifetime. That I am limited and He is not and to just let Him do his job. But, it’s hard. Right?
