happy valentine’s day, from steve and bridget.

There’s no time like Valentine’s Day to share our marriage tips! Lol, I hope you know that line was full of sarcasm. But, 12 years in and, in a lot of ways, it really feels like we’re just hitting our stride. We’re in a groove. (Only took 12 years?! Go Bridget and Steve!) Okay, okay, I’m going to be serious now. Truly, relationships are so tricky. The ups and downs are to be expected but are not talked about nearly enough. Call me crazy, but with those people closest to me, I wear my heart on my sleeve and we talk candidly about our marriages in ways that I know are so comforting to us all. Real vulnerability and connection is one of the best parts of the human experience. I know I don’t talk that much about our marriage here, but I’d like to do more of it. So today, Steve and I together are sharing some of the things that have helped our marriage in the hopes that it might help you through a rough spot (we’ve had plenty of them).1) Assume the best intentions. It is way too easy, I mean WAY too easy, to assume the worst. Right? “He said this to hurt me!” “She did that because she does not care!” Stop those thought processes right in their tracks before they give more energy than necessary to the issue. When you do, and you instead assume the best of your partner, you’ll find that you enter the discussion about whatever it is a lot more graciously (no, he actually said this because he is hurt… because she’s stressed about work… because he didn’t understand what I meant). Crazy idea: assume your partner loves you (because they do!) and enter it with the full knowledge of that. When you do that, you’ve already lowered the temperature in the room. Which, in turn, makes whatever the real issue is easier to deal with. And besides, there’s nothing worse than finding out after a long fight that you’re actually fighting about assumptions rather the facts! (Of course, if you assume the best, and then come to realize you were wrong, you can always get into the knock-down, drag out brawl later!)

2) Don’t be afraid to fight. It’s just an argument, just a disagreement, just a moment (or an hour or two!) where you’re at odds with one another. But it will pass. We’re only human. We see things differently. To quote the proverb, “most of what we see is behind our eyes”. Since that’s true, our versions of reality just don’t match perfectly. So of course we’re going to end up “throwing down” on occasion. But iron sharpens iron. And sparks fly. If all that is true, then don’t invest so much worry/anxiety/drama in the fact that you fight on occasion. Passionate people are passionate lovers AND passionate fighters. And don’t compare yourselves to your friends who, in their seemingly perfect relationships, never fight. Everyone is different. (And, so many of them, probably do.) Instead, know that you’ll get through it, that (often) you’re fighting BECAUSE you love one another (if you didn’t, you’d simply walk away), and that, rather than tearing you apart, fighting can also be one way you come to understand one another more deeply. You fought with your partner? Whatever. Nothing to see here, folks. Next. But, on that note, fight with some level of respect. Otherwise, the fight has a way of going to unnecessary places real fast. Now I’m not just mad that you never clean the kitchen, but I’m also mad that you’re RAISING YOUR VOICE AT ME.

3) Date nights (or date breakfasts!) are crucial. From getting all fancied up to go out on the town, to sitting down to watch a couple of episodes of “The Last Kingdom” after the kids are in bed (Steve and I just put down an entire bag of chips and drank a bottle of Mexican Coca-Cola while watching “the Bodyguard” last night), time together alone on a regular basis is the ticket. Your relationship started this way (well, for most of you it did–we’re a different story!). And when the kids are grown and out of the house, it’s going to end this way. You might as well keep it up in the meantime. Your relationship is worth the extra effort now despite all those insane demands on your time. Fit it in: the laundry can wait; maybe your kid doesn’t need yet another organized sport that has you running a couple of nights a week and every Saturday morning. A way to show love to your kids is to love their mother or father well. And with young children in the house, it can be (has to be) small ways! Even 20 minutes at the end of the day in bed together. When you’re thinking about jobs and promotions, etc., always remember that, all things considered, time is more precious than money. And, when you’re stretched to the limits, a quick note in the mailbox sent to their office takes about 5 minutes, and one stamp. Jot a favorite thing about your spouse, and send it off. They’ll love it.

4) Show love, even when you’re not feeling it. (Even as I write this, I’m pretty sure that when I’m pissed, I’m not showing love. Easier said than done!) It’ll feel strange and maybe even fake, but you might be surprised how the feelings follow–and how it’s reciprocated. He’s complaining about a sore back? Give a quick massage. She seems tired? Put the tea kettle on for her, and head up to put the kids to bed by yourself. Shoot a quick text–funny, surprising, sexy, sweet, whatever. Think of the other. Do it constantly. Even in the smallest of ways. It’ll feel so good, they will feel loved, and in turn, so will you. Steve would like you to know that I threw his hat off and he was having a bad hair day that he’s not proud of.  And to that man right there–forever glad you’re mine. You’re my favorite person.