sweater: J.Crew
jeans: ASOS
shoes: Nordstrom
clutch: Providence Story
The other day I walked out of the house, about 6 PM, not to return till close to midnight–girls’ night! Anders, both this tiny little bubbly boy who was just inside me and this toddler on the precipice of boyhood, was sitting on the couch at the time, playing with Magnatiles. Right next to my front door is a window into the living room where I could watch this, like I’m oddly on the outside of my own life looking in. There’s the door, at my fingertips, where I could reenter, chaos and all, at the push of a handle, my existential pondering whisked away immediately with a cry for food, a fight over a toy car. But I stood there, for about two seconds in all, really, and watched this moment.
There was a time where that exit would’ve been accompanied by crying. First with Parker, then with Anders. Now they can cuddle up quite contentedly with Dad and know with certainty that Mom, she’ll be back. Motherhood slowly trickles into this quiet independence where you’re not the only one who could possibly meet their needs after being in a you’re definitely the only one who can meet their needs camp for what feels like forever.
Here I rejoiced as I headed into the city with friends and mourned the little baby who needed me and me alone. I’m convinced that’s motherhood. Two feet, firmly planted in opposite camps. Longing for and looking ahead. Bitter and sweet. Happy and sad.
You write so well – I can really feel your emotions.
Charmaine Ng | Architecture & Lifestyle Blog
http://charmainenyw.com
Beautiful pictures of you, Bridget and a touching post.
A) LOVE the outfit! You really have the blowdrying arm back!
B) Yes- motherhood is constantly being torn between kids and everything else…but it’s wonderful none-the-less.
Do tell us about the night out! Cheers!
Loved this post so so much I linked to it on my post today because it just fit so well with what I’ve been feeling lately. That IS motherhood. Always. Hope you had a fab girls night out!
aw thanks bruna!
Hit the nail on the head. Literally voiced my innermost thoughts about motherhood with much more beauty and succinctness than I could have. Beautiful. Motherhood is one of life’s greatest contradictions, at least emotionally. You want to watch your little human that you helped create grow, learn, thrive, become independent, but you want to be their sole provider, the one they need and turn to at all times, at any time. It is tough. Being a mom. Best job ever!
yes! we are literally raising them TO BE independent of us! to one day give them away to the world! it feels so unnatural. my heart wants them under my roof forever. it’s the strangest thing.
Okay that outfit is so good- love that sweater! And the words are also pretty dang good- what a perfect way of explaining that ping.
Xo, Brittany
Spring coat roundup on my blog today!
http://Www.notablob.com
thanks Brittany!
Yes, yes, yes. I alway try to put the contradictory feelings into words, but you just nailed it for me. I have never felt so conflicted with my emotions in my life, as I am now as a mother of two. There is a constant push and pull and I tell people “I am the most unstable person I have ever been!” The hormones, the emotions, the love, the frustration – it’s all-encapsulating, and it’s so touching when I read your words expressing those very thoughts so eloquently.
Hi Bridget! These reflections are my favorite posts. I love reading them but boy do they hit home. I am in the season of littles right now and feel this pull almost daily!
Oh Bridget – this is so perfect. In so much of life, I feel these both/and contradictions. It’s painful and it’s beautiful. It’s feeling the wistful ache and the self-denying embracing of and rooting for and standing behind who these little ones are becoming. It’s tough. And it’s awesome.
Thank you for articulating it so beautifully, as is your wont. Hit home for me. Maybe especially so because, like you (at least what you have shared here), this baby (nearly a year old) is my last baby. So there’s that’s bittersweet knowledge of that too. Aaaanyway. Thank you, Bridget! Your voice feels like a support and a standing-with. I’m thankful for it and you!
Hi Bridget, My name is Kelly, I’ve read your blog for about two years now. I just started reading this book and for some reason I thought of you. Perhaps because you gave your life to children at such a young age right out of college or because of your journeys to Italia.
Here is an interview of the wonderful and funny Italian woman who wrote the book: http://www.ncregister.com/daily-news/one-italian-wifes-countercultural-message-to-women
You might not agree with all of her sensibilities but I think you might find the book entertaining nevertheless.
kelly, thank you so much for the recommendation!
It’s funny, reading your observations about the passing of time with your kids and how it affects you, I couldn’t help but be struck by how your kids are going to look at these pictures of you later and the thoughts they will have. I’ve seen pictures of my mother when I was little, and she was so beautiful, and so young, and her clothes and everything about the pictures just put her RIGHT THERE in that era. I think these pictures of you will be the same for them. With your cute little skinny jeans and your semi-sassy pose in the third picture–somehow I think they’re going to look at THESE pictures as adults and just be catapulted back to remembering that young, beautiful mom that you were.
you’re going to make me cry, Stacy! this was a really sweet comment.
How did you get such bright pictures at dusk?! I’m impressed!! Also, that sounds like such a bittersweet place to be in. Definitely freeing, since you don’t have to wear those milk pads in your bra just to go party with girlfriends because even though you pumped your body still things your new baby needs to eat every 5 seconds (my life for months, haha!). But I can see how it’s different when you are suddenly not the only one who can give them what they want.
totally bittersweet! but that’s so motherhood for me – every time you depart a stage and enter a new one (so… ALL THE TIME), I am always wistful for the last while being excited about the next…
it was actually still fairly bright out (I think this was at like 4ish last weekend). but I lighten them a bit in PS too. sorry I didn’t answer that before!
So nicely put and so very true! My second (and last) is just a few weeks younger than Anders, so I am 100% in the same boat. My breaks and rejoices all at the same time.
Gosh this post hits home for me! I’m mom to one little boy, 2 years old – I think just barely older than Anders if I have it right. We have definitely entered the time of me being absent for a bit is fine for everyone, but it’s definitely this struggle between being sad that I’m seemingly not as important as I once was and happy because that means I can enjoy a girls night or stretch an errand out and take my sweet time if I want without the (self imposed) guilt of being away!